Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore
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ALICE: Wait. No, wait. I can do that better. I can sing better than Alice Faye. ALICE: I swear to Christ I can. MOTHER: Allie! Allie! Alice Graham, you get in this house... before I beat the living daylights out of you. Do you hear me? You wait and see. And if anybody doesn't like it, they can blow it out their ass. DONALD: Alice! DONALD: For God's sake, do something about that kid! Turn that damn thing down! I'm sorry, Don. Now keep it off. You're going to drive us deaf. Do you want me to have a fight with him? ALICE: How are we to have a meaningful family relationship... when he's on the verge of killing you half the time? And why do we have to have Mott the Hoople 24 hours a day? Maybe if I had a Kitty Kallen record. Kitty.... Am I lucky? I don't know. I'm an okay sort of person. How did I get such a smart-ass kid? You got pregnant. The mouth. The mouth on him. Honey, dinner will be ready in about 30 minutes. DONALD: Whatever you say. You're the cook. Come on and help me clear up the table. What are you doing on the floor, kid? Act like you got good sense. TOMMY: Thanks a lot. Harold wasn't home. Good. You're just in time for some peach shortcake. DONALD: Let him finish dinner first. ALICE: He doesn't want any more. But he wants that old sugar crap, don't he? I hope this is good, now. Alice, what the hell have you done to the coffee? I didn't do anything to the coffee. Doesn't it taste good? It tastes like hell. Mine tastes all right. Oh, God, it's salty. -You think that's supposed to be funny? -What do you mean? You know what I mean. What the hell did you do to the sugar? What? Don't lie to me, boy. It's not sugar. It's salt! ALICE: Donald! DONALD: That's okay, boy. That's okay. You run. I'll save it for you. When you get back, you're going to drink it! See how you like it. Alice, if you'd show a little respect around here, it just may rub off on him. Socorro sucks! Watch your head. GROCER: You're sure laying the money out for meat. Company coming? No, my husband hates me. I'm trying to get him to chase me around the bedroom. Tommy, do you want to give the thanks this evening? No, thank you. Father, make us truly humble and thankful... for these and all the other blessings. We realize that all good things come from you. In the name of Jesus, we pray. Amen. Amen. I made the lamb the way you like it. -Is it good? -It's okay. Irene Payson got back from Denver today. Said she had a real good time. She did? Well, what all did she do? Let's see. She went to visit her family. Then she went to this mountain resort, and she did a whole lot of shopping. Do you like it? I hate lamb. Right. What are you watching? I don't know. Is it a movie? Looks like one to me. Is it any good? I don't know. I just turned it on. BEA: Don't move. ALICE: You make me laugh. BEA: Sorry. Don't make it too tight. I got to be able to sit. BEA: Don't I know? I know. ALICE: All right. I thought he was going to kill Tommy this morning. I really did. Yeah, I heard him yelling. He sure sounded mean. He's not mean. He's just.... You know, he gets so.... I don't know. He just gets so loud sometimes. I sure couldn't live without some kind of man around the house. ALICE: I could. BEA: And neither could you. Yes, I could. Easy. -No, you couldn't. -Easy. Could be just as happy if I never saw one again, ever. Of course, it might be different if I ever, you know.... If I met a man like Robert Redford, that could be different. I'll bet it's different. He wouldn't be the kind of man that would roll over and go to sleep... as soon as he's finished. I think he'd be very gentle. Listen, I wonder what kind of build he's got on him. Did you ever see his feet? Feet? I heard one time that's supposed to be an indication. Excuse me. I saw a picture. They're huge! ALICE: Bea, wait a minute. BEA: They're like this! ALICE: Shut up, you nut. Hello? Yes. This is his wife. What? No! ALICE: My Donald is dead. God, forgive me. You know, I still expect him to come home for dinner. I know. KEN: Wait here, Harold. ALICE: Bye, Harold. HAROLD: Bye, Allie. KEN: I'm sorry. ALICE: Thank you. KEN: See you later. You want me to come in with you for a while? No, I have to get used to it sometime. I might as well start now. ALICE: Thank you. BEA: I'll be over in a while with dinner. ALICE: Thanks, Bea. -How much money is there left? -Don't ask. I'm asking. Before the funeral, there was a little over $2,000, but.... TOMMY: What's left? ALICE: About $1.59. TOMMY: What are you going to do, Mom? ALICE: I don't know, pal. ALICE: What are you going to do? We're in this together, you know. TOMMY: You've got to be able to do something. ALICE: The only job I ever had was singing. It ain't Peggy Lee. -I had a little trouble-- -Seven more dollars. Thank you very much. Terrific. TOMMY: I'm going to turn 12 in Monterey. ALICE: That's right. You'll love it there. I can't wait till you see it. TOMMY: It's got to have Socorro beat. ALICE: That it does, by a lot. Thank you. Wear it in good health. WOMAN: Are you asking $12.50 for this shawl? ALICE: Yeah, but you see, it was originally $50. This is the original price tag. I don't know. It is beautiful, but that's too much for me. It's not too much for a $50 shawl. WOMAN: I don't know. ALICE: Neither do I. I may kill myself before this day is over. I can't believe I didn't sell this: a homemade apron with a daisy on it. Ma'am, I'd like to give this to you as a present. No, I couldn't. Please, as a favor to me. It would make me happy if you'd take it. I certainly do appreciate it, and thank you. You're welcome. I'm sorry if I was rude before. I've been kind of nervous lately. Enjoy it. I certainly will. You can just bank on that. Bye. Lock your door. Hope it doesn't rain too hard. I wish you weren't going. There's room in the car. Want to come with us? Maybe I will. Just leave Ken and the kids flat. ALICE: Wouldn't that be hysterical if you got in the car and drove off with us? And they never saw you again. I can see their faces. I wish I could. ALICE: Bye, Harold. -Be a good boy, now. -Okay. I'll miss you, Allie. I'll write to you. No, you won't. People say they will, but they don't. Don't cry. That'll make me cry. -Who's going to make me laugh? -No. Don't, Bea. Bye. BEA: Here, take this with you for luck. ALICE: Thank you. BEA: Take care of yourself. ALICE: I will. -Goodbye. -God bless you. Thank you for everything. Oh, God. Are we there yet? ALICE: Don't look back. You'll turn into a pillar of shit. TOMMY: The whole state is shit. ALICE: Don't talk dirty, Tommy. How may times do I have to tell you? Give me a potato chip. Take this off my hand. Mom, I feel sick. -What do you mean? -Like I might throw up. ALICE: You want me to pull over? No, I'll tell you when I feel it coming. TOMMY: Mom, I feel it coming. ALICE: Okay. All right. Get the door open. ALICE: Stick your head out the window. TOMMY: It's all right. ALICE: You don't want me to stop? TOMMY: No. I feel it again. Okay. All right, honey. Just hold on. Aim it out the door. All right. No, I'm all right. ALICE: You don't want me to stop? TOMMY: No. We'll get to Monterey sooner. Mom, are we in Arizona yet? If you ask me that one more time, I'll beat you to death. Just sit back there, relax, and enjoy life. -Life is short. -So are you. -Mom, I'm bored. -So am I! What do you want from me, card tricks? We should be in Phoenix in about half an hour. And then we'll, as my Aunt June used to say... "get gussied up and go to a swanky place to eat." How's that? What? I said we's gonna go out amongst them tonight. What? What do you mean, what? What are you, Helen Keller? I said, try and look decent. We'll go out and have a good dinner. -I don't care. -You're annoying me. Is this where you're gonna look for a job? I got to get a new hairdo tomorrow and buy myself something sexy. TOMMY: What if you can't? ALICE: What, buy myself something sexy? TOMMY: Get a job, dummy. Don't be rude to your mother. She just bought you a cheeseburger. Don't look at me like that. I'll get a job. Did you love Dad? Of course I did. What a question. You don't seem unhappy. I'm unhappy. What are you talking about? I'm very unhappy. I don't have to show all my emotions. TOMMY: Because you used to fight with him so much.... Sure, I fought with him. He was a pain in the ass sometimes. -What's going on with you? -No, Mom, I want to know. Why did you marry him? Boy, are you nosy! Will you get in bed? I'm in bed. Tell me. Because he was a great kisser. A great kisser? That's why you married him? How great can you kiss? Ask me again in a couple of years, I'll let you know. TOMMY: Who is it? ALICE: Diana Ross. Are you ready to see a great beauty? Ta-da! You really love that joke, don't you? That's your favorite one. -Did you bring me a present? -No, I didn't have time. Okay. What do you think? You look good. But is it sexy? Sexy for Phoenix. Besides, I'm not applying at the Boom Boom Room. -How do you know you can get a job? -Because I will get one. -What about when school starts? -Don't worry about the mule going blind. What if it gets to be September-- What if it gets to be what? What's your problem, kid? What do you want from me? What's bothering you? ALICE: Get over here. ALICE: Sit down. This is what I want you to do, okay? I want you to make me a list. I want to see it in writing. Write it all out, all your problems... all the things that are wrong with your life, that can go bad. Start writing. Write! Write it! A whole list. All the bad things. Why aren't you writing? Write! I'm out there, spending too much money on clothes... trying to look like maybe I'm under 30 so somebody will hire me... and you're sitting in here, whining like an idiot. I will get a job, all right? I will get you to Monterey before your birthday. I will get you in school by September. I swear it! Shall I open a vein and sign it in blood? I'm sorry, Tommy. I know you're upset, too. You've been taken away from your home... and your friends, and everything. When we get to Monterey, things will be better. How do you know? Hey, kid, give me a break. ALICE: Act like you got good sense. ALICE: Just give me a little time to make some money... and everything will be okay. Okay? Okay. Okay, honey, I got to get going. -I'll be back about 5:00 or 6:00, yeah? -Okay. ALICE: All right. -Will you wish me luck? -I do, Mom. Good luck. ALICE: Club Manhattan. Quo vadis? ALICE: Try this. -Excuse me, is Joe or Jim in? -What? I said, is Joe or Jim here? I heard what you said. I just didn't believe it. -Why not? -There ain't no Joe or Jim. ALICE: What? BARTENDER: There's no Joe-- I heard what you said. I just didn't believe it. ALICE: Is the manager or someone in? We ain't hiring no waitresses. I'm not a waitress. I'm a singer. You're a singer? Is the manager in? He's in the hospital, having half a lung removed. ALICE: I'm sorry. BARTENDER: He wouldn't want no singer. Thank you. Excuse me, could you spare a glass of water? BARTENDER: Sure. Are you really a singer? -Where did you sing? -In Monterey, in California. BARTENDER: What's your name? ALICE: Alice Hyatt. He wouldn't want no singer. Okay. Thank you. -Sorry. -That's okay. LENNY: Come on in the back, I'll introduce you to the boss. Chicken? Chicken, I want you to meet Alice. -Hyatt. -Mighty nice to meet you, miss. Hyatt. Miss Hyatt. -My name is Holliman. Chicken Holliman. -Glad to meet you. Would you mind turning around for me? -Turn around for you? Why? -I want to look at you. Look at my face. I don't sing with my ass. Lenny, what's with this broad? Hello. Is the manager in? We don't have a manager. Just the owner, Mr. Jacobs. Thank you. Jacobs? Something I can do for you? Come on, now. What's the matter? Marie, bring us two Scotch, rocks. ALICE: I'm sorry. -You trying to ruin my afternoon trade? -No. Sorry. JACOBS: You act like it. Here, swig on this and troubles will vanish. Thank you. See? What did I tell you? Now you got money in the bank and a faithful husband. Come on. What can I do for you? You came towards me with a question mark on your face. Do you have a Band-Aid? Marie, see if you got any Band-Aids down there. I've been looking for a job all day. These shoes are new. I just got them this morning, and they're giving me a blister. Thank you. I'm a singer. I'm sorry. I got no money to pay a singer. That's okay. Nobody does. If I could give you a job, I would do it. Thank you. You're very kind. I don't know what I'm going to do. -I don't even have a piano in here. -It's okay. -Come on. -Thank you. My husband just died. -I don't even have a piano in here. -I know. I have a little boy I have to raise all by myself... and I don't know how I'm gonna do it. I don't even have a piano in here. Do you have any experience? Just before I was married. JACOBS: Are you any good? Look, why don't you come back tomorrow? Let me sleep on it. No, you'll say no tomorrow. If I could just sing for you now.... All right. There's a piano bar down the street. Come on. Great. Thanks a lot. Marie, I'll be back in about 20 minutes. JACOBS: Don't burn it down. The owner said okay. Just don't scare anybody away. ALICE: I won't, I hope. JACOBS: Have a go. ALICE: Okay. Is there anything in particular you'd like to hear? Anything special? Do you know: "What's the use of getting married? "It's only a waste of time I'd rather sit upon a shelf "One makes two when you're talking to yourself "Never let a girl be master for the sake of a cuddle and a kiss "You may have lots of things you never had before "What you never had you'll never miss" ALICE: I don't know that. "So what's the use of getting married?" ALICE: I don't know that song. So what'd you ask me for? Go ahead and play. Okay. Thank you. Is that on? How about now? Okay. Hi, everybody. Just go on and do whatever you're doing. I'm going to sing. I'm just going to sing a little. Thank you. Thank you. Bye. That wasn't really very good. I know. I was kind of nervous. Auditions are hard, you know? -You go for the piano for the first month. -Sure. That was it. I did it! I got a job as a singer! Are we rich? No, we're not rich yet, but we might be someday. I found this motel, and a woman said we could have a room with a kitchenette. The monthly rate is dirt-cheap, and we can save like hell. What am I supposed to do all the time? Go visit a reservation and play with the Indians. It's too hot outside. Goodness, Wanda Fay, take a fan with you. You're a very weird kid. ALICE: You know what I'll do when my ship comes in? I'm going to get me one of those fancy negligees... and a pair of gold high-heeled slippers... with the fur pompons on them, or whatever you call them. And then I'm going to shave my legs, like all those ladies on television do. What do you want when my ship comes in, honey? Tom? You always look like such an angel when you're sleeping. ALICE: I'll get you to Monterey, kid. I swear to God I will. I like your singing. ALICE: Thank you. BEN: Well? Well? I'm lonely. Aren't you going to ask me to sit down? ALICE: No. BEN: Why not? Because I prefer to sit alone. Come on, nobody likes to sit alone. You're right. The real reason why you can't sit down is because I don't want you to. Why? Because I'm in a very bad mood. -Maybe I can help you to get out of it. -I doubt that. BEN: Why are you in a bad mood? Do you really want to know? -Yeah, I really want to know. -All right. I have a 12-year-old kid stashed in a motel who's bored out of his skull. I'm not making enough money in this place. And I cut my little finger on a tin can this morning opening some peaches... and it hurts like a son of a bitch every time I play a chord. And if one more guy makes a pass at me, I'm going to sock him in the face. Sorry about your finger. ALICE: All right, sit down. Over there, please. Don't sit so close. My name's Ben Eberhardt. Mine is Alice Hyatt. Hiya, Hyatt. Oh, please. Yeah, I guess a lot of fellas pull that one on you. Yeah, but most of them are under 12. Sometimes I've thought I'd like to mimeograph a page that listed my age... where I went to school, my favorite color... my most embarrassing moment, what I do for a living... all that type of stuff. So, what do you do for a living? -I fill bullet cases with powder. -Do what? I fill bullet cases with powder. You're not kidding? I guess there's not a whole lot to say about that. I really like your singing. I really thank you. Can I ask you something, just a little personal thing? Let's hear it. -It's coming. -Okay. -Do you mind if I sit just a little bit closer? -Yes. Alice. What are you doing? You're ruining it! I paid a lot of money for this. Should have put you in boiling water first. You big baboon! You just wait. You'll be sorry. MAN on TV: Shut up, lady. Okay, Sam, take it away. WOMAN on TV: l won't sing. Why? ALICE: Is that the only word your mind can understand? BEN: Why? Because I don't date teenagers, that's why. -I'm 29. -Liar. -I'm 27. -Maybe. BEN: Maybe.... ALICE: When? Last month. Look, I'm 35. Does that mean anything to you? Three-dash-five. When I was in the third grade, your mother was pregnant with you. When I graduated from high school, you were sucking on Popsicles. Now, I don't date teenagers. BEN: Alice. -Is it yes or no? -No. -No? -Yes, no. -Yes? -No. Yes. No. Now I'm all mixed up. No. Stop grinning at me. That's all I need right now... to get involved with a 27-year-old person. I just don't need it. Period. You sure? What was that? I don't know. MAN: You just stay out of it! Just stay out of it! You're a whore! WOMAN: I thought this was supposed to be a vacation. MAN: You call this a vacation? Shut up! WOMAN: Stop or I'll scream, then I'll have everybody in here. WOMAN: Everybody will be here! MAN: Keep your voice down. WOMAN: Don't come near me. WOMAN: I want out. MAN: Go! There's the door! You going out late again tonight? I don't know. Why? Just wondering when you'll introduce me to that guy... you've been running around with. ALICE: His name is Ben, and of course I'll introduce you to him. Should I call him Uncle Ben? TOMMY: Isn't that what men like him like to be called? Men like what? Don't be so sure you know what you're talking about all the time. You should see the bags under your eyes. I wouldn't be surprised. I've been working, you know. You've been coming home late for almost a week now. And I figure he's going to be around for a while. So I have to call him something. Coming. Hello. -Hi. Are you Miss Hyatt? -Mrs. Hyatt. Could I come in and talk to you for a minute? What's it about? My name's Rita Eberhardt, and.... Sure. Come on in. I'm sorry, it's a terrible mess in here. Let's go in the kitchen. -Would you go in the other room, please? -Who's this, the Avon lady? No lip. Just go in the other room. So he's married. I didn't know that. I'm sorry. I really didn't know it. I can believe that. For all I've seen him in the last two years... I hardly don't know it myself. I wouldn't have come here like this... only Ben's been missing work off and on the last week or so... ever since he met you. Lady, we just got to have his salary check regular. George, that's my little boy, he's got this ear trouble. It just drains and drains, and it don't seem like anything will stop it... and the medicine costs a terrible price. -I'm sorry. -It's okay. How did you know my name? I left George with my girlfriend Nancy... and followed Ben night before last. I saw him and you coming out of Jacobs' place... and then yesterday I asked around about you. You don't have to worry. I won't be seeing him anymore. BEN: Rita? Rita, are you in there? Mom? BEN: Rita, you in there? You bitch, I know you're in there! You might as well answer me now! Alice, is she in there? Rita, you bitch! Open the door. Open the goddamn door, Alice! Alice, open that goddamn door! I said, open this goddamn door, Alice! What did you do? What did you do? Get out! BEN: Don't touch her, Alice. If you don't drag your ass out that door, I'm going to cut you. I'm going to cut your ass. Get out! What's the matter? Why are you acting like this, Ben? Why don't you just calm down now? Just go home. Don't tell me what to do. God damn it, Alice, don't tell me what to do! Don't tell me what to do, Alice. Damn it, don't ever tell me what to do. I'll bust your jaw! All right. Okay, now, I'll tell you what. I'll be over at Jacobs' to pick you up later when you get off of work, all right? All right? Okay, see you about 1:30? All right. I'll be there. Alice, you just got to understand one thing about me. I'm just like this. Don't mess around with it, and it won't mess with you. Mess around with it, and it's going to kill you. That bitch has messed around with me. All right, sweetheart? Okay, I'll see you later. ALICE: I'm all right. ALICE: Please close. Let's see if that's closed. ALICE: No! I can't go on. TOMMY: Oh, shit. Wait, let's calm down. I'm going to do this now, and I'm going to close it. -Something's sticking out over here. -Stick it in. -All right, now I am going to close it. -My poor suitcase. TOMMY: I'll give you a little weight. Got it? That's it! I've got it. Let's go. ALICE: All right. TOMMY: Did you remember the money? ALICE: No. ALICE: Are you all right? TOMMY: No. ALICE: Where is it? ALICE: Come on. Quick, tell me. Which way? You turn here. -Where? Come on! -Here! ALICE: Are you sure? TOMMY: Here! ALICE: I'm doing it. All right, let me see this. -We're okay? -Then you turn like this. -See? Turn like this. -Okay. On the third day, they sight the great gray gorilla. And what they do with the gorilla is they take it... the guy goes up the tree, like he always does... knocks the gorilla off the tree, and he falls down. He's yelling to the hunter, "Shoot the dog! " Sit down, will you? -But did you get it? -Get what? The joke. Remember when I told you about the dog? -Yeah, I got it, honey. -You did not. I'll explain it. The first time, the gorilla falls down... the dog grabs it and swings it around till it's dead. ALICE: The dog grabs the gorilla and swings what? TOMMY: The gorilla till it's dead. The dog grabs the gorilla and swings it around till it's dead. I got it. -The joke is where the dog grabs it. -Where? On the nuts. That's the punch line. ALICE: "The dog grabs the gorilla by the nuts," is the punch line? No, that's the part of the story you have to know to get the punch line. You know what nuts are? -Balls. -Right. We'll go on from there. Come on, Tommy. Let me drive the car, will you? Let me just tell you the punch line. When the gorilla falls off the tree.... See what I mean by falling off the tree? When the gorilla falls off the tree... the hunter's yelling, "Shoot the dog! " Because he got grabbed in the nuts and swung around till he was dead. Ain't that funny? TOMMY: That the gorilla-- ALICE: Tommy, it's enough. TOMMY: The gorilla fell down, and the dog grabbed him by the nuts. Are you going to tell me this story again? TOMMY: No, I'm going to tell it to you until you understand it. ALICE: I understand it! Now shut up! TOMMY: Then what's the joke? ALICE: I don't know. TOMMY: Then I'll tell it to you again. ALICE: I think Tucson might be a nice place for us to stay... till I make some more money. I mean, we're here. Why not? How much money did we save in Phoenix? $90. We weren't even there very long, and I had to buy all those darn dresses. Did you sleep with him? Tommy! -Well, did you? -Of course not. I hardly knew him. Then how come you came home late all those nights? Because we were talking. We had coffee and we were talking.... This isn't right. I'm not gonna discuss my sex life with you. Then I'm not gonna tell you about mine. You drive a hard bargain. ALICE: "City of Tucson. ALICE: "Winter home of the Cleveland Indians." So far, I hate it. ALICE: I wish we could find a cheap motel. Why doesn't somebody put out a sign: "Cheap Motel"? -It's not fancy, but we like it. -Yes, it's home to us. Christ, you'd think it had a bed. I suspect it's under here someplace. It is. The bed. Okay, I'm off to get rich. -I'll see you later. -Thanks for the warning. God, he's a card. Good luck. Tell them you know Kay Starr! Okay, you can relax, kid. I got a job. Where? -Mel and Ruby's caf. -They got an electric piano there? They don't have a piano. How are you going to sing? ALICE: I'm not. I'm waiting on tables. What? I'm a waitress, that's what. Is it a nice place, anyway? Hell, yes. Mel and Ruby's caf? Are you kidding? TOMMY: It doesn't sound so bad. There's just Mel there. Ruby's been dead for 14 years. The place killed her. It'll probably kill me, too. They gave me the address where I can go to buy my waitress uniform. Oh, God. A waitress. TOMMY: Maybe I could do something. Get a job. Thank you. It won't be so bad. It's right next door. I can walk to work. We'll always have food to eat. I'll earn enough money to get us to Monterey. I forgot to tell you. I saw a place up the street where you can take guitar lessons. FLO: Here, honey, eggs firm, right there. FLO: Here, Gene, toast coming up. FLO: Hi, honey. How are you? Here's your eggs. Flo, ready on the bacon! Mel! Where's that order of bacon? I swear that man moves like dead lice were falling off him. I mean, Grandma was slow, but she was old. Mel, what you doing back there, pulling on your pudding? Or are you giving it a whack with a hammer? I heard the only way you can get it up is to slam it in a door. I don't want to get too close to you, honey. It will get you all bothered up early in the morning. I could lay under you, eat fried chicken... and do a crossword puzzle at the same time. That's how much you bother me. Do you need anything else at this table? The tea, sure. Did you decide what you want for breakfast? First, I want a big smile. ALICE: Do you want eggs? DAVID: Yeah, ham and eggs. Ham and eggs. How do you want your eggs? Everybody, listen! We got us here a new girl, and her name is Alice. And today is her first day on the job. FLO: And Mel here says that she was a singer. How about them apples? And everybody can see she's got big tits on her. FLO: But hands off. Let the girl do her work. If there's going to be any grab-assing around here, grab mine. You look, but don't you touch. Steady, big fella. It gets easier. All right. Now, do you want toast? -Yeah. -And coffee? -Thank you. -A big smile. VERA: What did you want? MAN: Some toast. You took away my plate. Here, take this one. These people are.... Vera. Excuse me. I can't find the tea bags. Could you show me where they are? I looked all over down here, and I don't see them anywhere. MEL: What the hell's going on out there? I'm sorry. I was looking for the tea bags. FLO: They're right down there in a can across from the coffee, a little round can. ALICE: I see. Yeah, thank you. FLO: Okay. You all right? FLO: You know, I can tell that you're new to this kind of work. But you catch on real quick. Most of them.... Honey, most of them are out that door by 10:30 in the morning, crying. Thanks a lot. I might blow my brains out. You don't like me very much, do you? Not very much, no. Honey, that's okay. I've been dumped on by kings in my time. I don't doubt it. Flo, I really don't need anybody making speeches for me... so I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave me out of your jokes, okay? -Jokes? What jokes? -The little routine you do for the fellas. Just leave me out of it. I sure would hate to have breakfast with you every morning of my life. You don't have to worry. There's not much danger of that. God, I hate that place. I said I would hate it, I was right. I hate it. But I earned $17 in tips today. Not bad. Mel said I'll do better in a week or so. How long do you think we'll have to stay in this hellhole? TOMMY: Quit it, Mom. Quit it, Mom. You better stop. ALICE: No, Tommy. No more. ALICE: That's it, no more. Honey, I was only kidding. Don't do it. You'll get it all over everything. Tom, I'm warning you, don't do it. If you do, you'll be sorry. You'll be very sorry because I'll drench you. I will. I'll pour it all on your head. I quit! No more! Okay, that's enough. No, no more! Don't! Come on, cut it out. That's enough now. TOMMY: You sure? ALICE: Yes, I'm sure. Stop. Look at this mess. This is terrible. What have we done? You! BOY: Bye. TOMMY: Bye. Weird. Very weird. He's even weird for Tucson, and Tucson is the weird capital of the world. I didn't know that. -What's your name? -Tom. Mine's Audrey. It's really not. It's Doris, but I like Audrey better. Weird. You want to get high on Ripple? TOMMY: What? AUDREY: You want to get high on Ripple? No, I can't. TOMMY: What about your folks? AUDREY: My dad split two years ago. Mom turns tricks at the Ramada Inn from 3:00 p.m. on. What if she came home? She wouldn't even notice. I could have a troop of bare-assed Eagle Scouts... in for the afternoon and she wouldn't blink an eye. AUDREY: Is your mom a hard-nose? TOMMY: No, a singer. -Or a waitress, I guess. -A singing waitress. Weird. So you want Ripple or not? No, not today. Maybe Wednesday. -I'll see you then. -Right. Bye-bye. What about Friday? No, I can't. I'm sorry. Thank you. New Year's Eve? I'm pretty sure I'm not gonna be here for New Year's Eve. What am I doing wrong? It's not that. It's the beard. I'll cut it off. -No, I like your beard. -You do? You want some more coffee? ALICE: Tommy, what are you doing? Come on, honey, cut it out. Why don't you go play with your girlfriend Audrey, or something? She's got the curse. ALICE: In that case, why don't you go to that last table... sit down, shut up, and don't move? -Don't even twitch. -Mom, I'm bored. B-O-R-E-D. Bored! I lost my place. -You want to read something good? -What is it? The Bride Screamed Murder. The Bride Screamed Murder. VERA: You can color it if you want to. We're going to have to stop meeting like this. AL: Good night. ALICE: Good night, Al. AL: Have a good night tonight. ALICE: You, too. ALICE: Do you drive a motorcycle? -No, my father picks me up. -I see. -Did you want to meet him? -I'd like to. -I just came to escort you home. -Thank you, sir. VERA: Alice, this is my daddy, Duke. DUKE: Charmed, I'm sure. ALICE: How do you do? Very nice. Neat motorcycle. Weird. Daddy Duke? I can't open this. -Where did you put the butter last night? -I never laid a finger on it. The hell you didn't. You can kiss me where the sun don't shine. I'll kiss you anywhere you want. Where the hell's the butter? Why don't you give yourself a jack job in a paper sack... and get off my back? Hi. Come on in, there. You ready for some eggs and grits? I'll get the hash browns and the coffee on, sugar. Got it all ready. Hi. DAVID: Come outside. I got something to show you. TOMMY: Wow, is this yours? TOMMY: Neat horse. Mom, he's got a fantastic horse out there that I can ride. Can I go? No, I don't think so. Mom, I'm going just crazy in here. Just crazy! ALICE: Read a book. TOMMY: Mom! All right, go on. But don't be gone long. Come back early. -Will you come on? -That's very tricky. DAVID: I got no shame. TOMMY: Let's go. -He's got a hutch where he raises rabbits. -I'll bet. -But horses are the main thing. -I've seen horses. I rode this chestnut one that was named Ribbon. And hold on! He makes his own ice cream! He asked us out there Sunday. Farmer John's gonna have to get along without me, I'll tell you that. -I want to go. -No. -Yes! -No! -Yes! -No! Shit! ALICE: Don't run over us. DAVID: Hold him in. ALICE: You're doing good, honey. DAVID: Took me six years to get this place. We've got fescue or winter pasture, you know. Right before you get to that bare stuff. And that's alfalfa, or it will be in two months. I see. ALICE: Gee, it's just-- DAVID: It's nice, isn't it? Yeah, it really is. Tommy, don't use your fingernails. She'll kick that bucket over. TOMMY: Okay. Very funny. That's wonderful, darling. How would you like the holy hell kicked out of you? Tommy, watch the fingernails. Christ, she's got tits the size of cucumbers. What do you expect? I just don't know where he gets that language. I really don't. Think real hard. It'll come to you, lady. Maybe he picks it up at school. Cooking utensils? Right. Hey, you going to come help us with this? No. I can't sing that kind of music. -You can try it. -No-- TOMMY: Let's try again. For somebody who says he can only boil water... you got a lot of fancy equipment out there. What? -In the kitchen, that stuff. -My wife got those things. -I didn't know you were married. -I'm not. I was married... but we split up about two years ago. She divorced me, took the kids, and split. ALICE: I'm sorry I asked. DAVID: No, it's okay, it's just... she wanted this, I wanted that. She said, "I'm leaving." I held the door for her. TOMMY: Come on, a person could go crazy waiting in here. A person could also get his face slapped, too, you know? TOMMY: I bet I could. ALICE: That's right, you could. ALICE: Can you get him? DAVID: Yeah. DAVID: I hardly recognize him with his mouth closed. ALICE: Isn't that the truth? DAVID: He's a good kid. ALICE: Good night. DAVID: Good night. ALICE: I had a real good time. DAVID: Me, too. Steve, you better watch it. You're going to draw back a bloody stub. I changed the price on the combination here. Listen, tell Alice her roast beef is ready. Where is Alice? She's out there in the john, trying to get her knees unwelded. Why don't you lay off her? She's all right. I like her. She doesn't like me. Go, go on. FLO: Here, honey, I'm sorry. Mel gave me the order at the same time. FLO: I had to bring you a salad-- MAN: How about some service over here? -Flo, ready on the BLT! -Right! MEL: Flo, where's Vera? We got three orders piled over here! Flo, where the hell's Vera? What's the matter? You didn't get your milk? FLO: You're absolutely right. I'm going to get you-- Where the hell is Vera? -I can't get this thing open. -Okay. Can't you hear me? Where the hell's Vera? She went to shit, and the hogs ate her! What the hell is going on here? All I asked you is where the hell Vera is. Come on. Look, I'm really sorry. You know, Flo's got personal problems. It's an accident. It happens. All right, honey. I'm sorry. Really. That's the worst thing I've ever heard in my life. You know, you have a worse mouth than my kid. -You mean, you like it? -Like it? I hate it. Did you make that up? No. I heard it all my life. I heard it first from my dad. -You're kidding me. -No, he's got some terrific sayings. He lives out on a farm. He always says his name's P.P. He always says, "Don't call me P.P. 'cause I'm all urine." FLO: He makes up poems like, "Alice, Alice, got no malice." No more. I'm glad you like that one. Come on, the customers are waiting. What's the matter? Yeah. Laugh, laugh. My business is falling apart, and you're laughing. On the way back to the motel, I saw the "Waitress Wanted" sign. I said, "Why not?" So I took this job. Let me give you a hint. -Honey, unbutton that top button. -Really? If you bend over, you get more tips when you're working. -You're kidding me-- -I'm not kidding. I got $50 last week. -Really? -Yeah. -Like that? -Yeah. Honey, forget what I said. You do that, and I'm never going to get a tip again. You're so funny. Boy. You really need someone to talk to, don't you? You know, I bet you sure get lonesome, don't you? Yep. I miss my friend Bea. What time is it now, about 2:30? Exactly. How did you know that? I can feel it. Bea is now watching All My Children. There's this character on the show named Jeff... and she's just madly in love with him. You want me to fix you up with somebody? I know lots of guys who'd fall down over you. Their brains would fall out, and they'd froth at the mouth. That sounds attractive. Thanks a lot, but I don't think so. Besides, I kind of got my eye on Daddy Duke. Honey, if you change your mind, just let me know. ALICE: I sure will. ALICE: Isn't that sun wonderful? -Is today the Ripple day? -No, not today. -You want to steal something? -Steal what? -I don't know. What do you need? -Nothing, really. What do you want? Nothing, except some guitar strings, but they're real expensive. -Where are they, at Chicago music store? -Yeah. AUDREY: Let's go, darling. Come on. Are you all right? -My knee. -What happened? There's a slick spot on your floor. I hope this doesn't ruin my tryout for cheerleader. I'm so sorry. Maybe you just stumbled. -Thank you very much, sir. -Good luck on your cheerleading. DAVID: I'd rather take a whipping than mend fences. Maybe it would be easier to get an electric fence. Not really. They'd be out in about a week, anyway. They smell the apples over there and get wilder than a guinea. ALICE: What does? DAVID: The cows. DAVID: Don't try and understand a cow. ALICE: Okay. DAVID: The only thing dumber than a cow is a chicken. Turkeys are worse. You know what a little turkey does when it rains? Put their head back and open up their mouths and drown. ALICE: They do not. DAVID: They do, too. My grandmother lost about 200 of them once in one rainstorm. ALICE: Could I touch your beard? ALICE: It's soft. DAVID: Your brother taught you to kiss? ALICE: I don't mean he demonstrated. He told me that the worst thing that can happen... is if a boy feels like he's put his lips in a bowl of wet oatmeal. At least he said "lips." So the most important thing to remember before you kiss... is to wipe your mouth real good and keep your lips together... so he doesn't kiss your teeth. We went to see The Postman Always Rings Twice. And there was this big close-up of.... What's her name? Lana Turner and John Garfield, right? They're coming together. Big dramatic moment. At last, they're going to kiss. ALICE: The music's playing. Very dramatic. Just as they come together, they both open their mouths. I thought, "My God, don't they know how to kiss? What's wrong with them?" I turned and looked at my brother to see what he was going to say. ALICE: He didn't move, he was just looking at screen. ALICE: He didn't say anything for three weeks. Then all of a sudden one day, he says: "Well, Al, I've been thinking." DAVID: Al? ALICE: Yes, he always called me Al. "l think maybe you're supposed to part your lips a little bit when you kiss." God bless him. If not, I had my work cut out for me. ALICE: So anyway, and then... we decided we wanted to go into show business from the movies. Why did you leave? I got married, and Donald wanted to live in his hometown. I wanted to go on singing. He said, "No wife of mine is going to sing in a saloon." I said, "Yes, master." I kind of liked that. DAVID: You liked it? ALICE: It was like, you know... my idea of a man: strong and dominating. I'll show you our act. This is what we used to do. I figure, I don't know, the bubble dancer didn't show up. So they called my brother and I. My brother would enter and walk onstage, and I'd be behind him... making the same moves, so that you couldn't see me from the front. And then he'd get out and say, "Usually I do an act with my sister... "but she didn't show up today." And then I would.... Then they would laugh again. -So we'd do it on the other side, right? -That's a hell of an act. That's what we did. That was my start in show business. ALICE: And then-- DAVID: Tough act to follow. ALICE: We never got paid for it. I found out years later... that people got paid for being in show business. When I was 19, I got a job in this really nice hotel in Monterey. I would play the piano and sing. I really liked it there. That's why I want to go back and pick up where I left off. DAVID: Which do you want? ALICE: What do you mean? Do you want to go home, or do you want to sing? I want to do both. Can't I have everything? -You think they're the same? -You mean, they're not? I don't know. That was a while ago. I have an idea, fella. DAVID: I've been getting one myself. ALICE: An idea? DAVID: Yeah. What's yours? -I have to show it to you. -What? If you come with me into the other room, I'll show you my idea... if you'll show me yours. TOMMY: Shoot the dog! Didn't you get it? I'll tell it to you. In the beginning, the guy's saying: "What do you want me to do with the gun?" He doesn't tell him. Then the guy says, "Shoot the dog." He says, "Shoot the dog." He says, "Shoot the dog." Wait a minute. Do you see why he said shoot the dog? Hi, what are you two up to? -We're gonna go fishing by this-- -By a spring-fed lake by Pittsville. -A spring-fed lake up by Pittsville. -We need four cheeseburgers to go. Okay, four cheeseburgers. You know what happened today? ALICE: Guy up the street got robbed-- DAVID: Start the burgers. We're running late. Then come back and tell us all about it. -Will there be anything else, sir? -I guess not. TOMMY: What? Hog got your tongue? DAVID: There goes the fishing trip. She's leaking oil. I got to take her to Charlie's. TOMMY: Did you ask? ALICE: He said he can't ruin his truck... so you can catch a fish. Got it? Sounds familiar. Cheer up. Tomorrow, you're 12 years old. You're fully grown. You can do whatever you want, go fishing, get married, or.... When I count to three, draw. One, two, three! You missed me, sidewinder. Put in another quarter and try again. Hello there, you lonesome polecat. TOMMY: You think you're such a good draw. TOMMY: Try and outdraw me. ALICE: What's he doing? -When I count to three, draw. -He's your kid. I'm scared. One, two, three. Tommy, please don't do that. It stops my heart. Put another quarter in and try again, Mom. -Can I put it in? -Go away. DAVID: You got a very spooky kid. ALICE: I know. I told you three times, it goes from D to A7. And I told you three times, A7 hurts my fingers. Try it this way. Two fingers. I got these 12-year-old hands. I can't do that. You can't do that if you don't try. Now try it. Let me put it this way: no. Come here, Tommy. You won't learn anything by quitting. David. Tommy! Turn that thing off! TOMMY: Damn you! Screw you. Do you understand that? When will you understand that I hate that shit-kicking music of yours! Shit-kicking! Did you hit him? Did he hit you? TOMMY: Shit, yes, he hit me. -You hit him? -You're damn right I did, and he needed it. -That's what guys who hit kids always say. -For Christ's sake. I don't know what you expect from him. I expect him to do what I say when he's in my house. Why should he? All you do is criticize him. -I what? -I was hoping you'd be an example for him. Like you were? You're a hell of an example. ALICE: I damn well try to be. That's why he's got the foulest mouth on any kid I've ever seen. ALICE: When does he ever hear me swear? DAVID: You spoil him rotten. That kid thinks he can do whatever he wants to do... whenever he wants and wherever he wants to do it. So do you. You're just as selfish as he is. You want what you want when you want it. I really don't think you understand kids at all. You do? What is that supposed to mean? -Forget it. -No, I won't forget it! How dare you tell me how to bring up my child! How dare you! Where are your children? I know exactly what I'm doing! DAVID: Yeah. That's why you can't make up your mind about your kid... your job, Monterey, or me. You're wrong. I just made it up. Aren't you going to open the door for me? ALICE: Come on, Tommy, get in. What are you going to do, walk 10 miles? Get in, dope. TOMMY: Now what? ALICE: What do you mean, now what? TOMMY: You said we'd be in Monterey by my birthday... we'd get there, and everything would be fine. -We'll get there. -Said the waitress in Tucson. What's wrong with being a waitress? I'm supporting you with it, aren't I? -For God's sake, we'll get there. -You never ask me what I want to do. ALICE: Sure I do. We're in this together. TOMMY: When you say so. ALICE: Who the hell do you think you are, buddy? I said we'll get there. If you can find a job, if it pays more than $50 a week... and if you don't get involved with another maniac. Who cares? I don't give a damn. If you open your mouth once more... I swear to God, I'm going to nail it shut. I'm warning you, Tommy. I mean it now. I'll stop the car and push you out, and you'll walk the last mile home. ALICE: All right. ALICE: Out. Get out. ALICE: Go. Walk. AUDREY: My dad was a bastard, all right. He used to make me bend over while he whipped me with his belt. I still think about going up to him and saying: "All right, Harry, bend over. You're going to get the belt for that." Yeah, mine was a bastard, too. Or I guess so. I don't know. You going to be going to school in Tucson? No. My mom says we're going to Monterey. Monterey? You know, you're lucky to get out of Tucson. The school here is weird, let me tell you. Mr. Emmet, the science teacher, wears a hairnet. Scary. Really scary. Can I have some more wine? Tommy, are you in there? ALICE: Tommy? What did I do? Come on, honey, let's do something. I don't feel so wonderful. Put another quarter in and try again. Hello? Yes? Is he okay? Thank God. Sure. Thank you. The market's not going to press any charges, Mrs. Hyatt. -Thank God. -They had a nice long talk with Tommy. He's right over there. -What's he wearing? -He's got a sweatshirt on. He got a little sick. Here are his things. -He was sick? -Too much wine. I see. You're the singing waitress? ALICE: I'm Tommy's mother. AUDREY: I'm Audrey. It's nice to meet you. It's nice to meet you, Audrey. Tell me, how did all this happen? It was just a big mistake. -Big mistake. -Whose? The store's. Doris, come on, let's go. I got to go. Ramada Rose is upset, so you tell Tommy I said goodbye. Yes, I will. Would you come on? So long, suckers! He's all yours. -Thank you. -You're welcome. You look like you've been embalmed. TOMMY: What happened? ALICE: It's all right. Go back to sleep. What? VERA: Alice? ALICE: Yeah? VERA: You're late for work. I know. I'm sorry, I overslept. I'll be right there. You okay? Isn't David coming in today? You want to talk about it? Alice, come here, honey. Come on. Come here. FLO: Come on, sugar, right now. FLO: Come on, honey. -Flo, the combinations are ready. -Mel! FLO: We're going right here and have us a little talk. Come on. Come on in here, Alice. Shut that door. Everything gets so screwed up. I know. I don't know. I just.... I tried and.... I don't know. I met David, and then... I spent all the money I had saved to get to Monterey... for Tommy's birthday present. You know, his cowboy outfit. I don't know. I got sidetracked, and then.... Gosh, I was so.... I was so scared of Donald, you know? I was always trying to please him. I was so afraid not to please him. -You were scared of him? -God, yes. And now I'm without him. I mean, it's like I always felt that he was taking care of me... and now I just don't know what to do. Honey, it's nice to have somebody take care of you. But he didn't. I just felt like he did just because he was there. I don't know how to live without a man, that's what it is. FLO: I want to tell you something. My life ain't exactly a bed of petunias. I got me a daughter, cutest little thing you ever saw. She needs about $4,000 worth of dental work... else she's going to have buck teeth. What am I going to do? I ain't got any money. My old man.... Honey, he ain't talked to me since the day Kennedy got shot. What, did he think you had something to do with it? FLO: Look at that face. Look at that body. Honey, the Lord blessed you with talent. You can sing. I don't know about that. You never heard me sing. You got to be good at it. You had a job. I used to be good when I was a kid. But I'm not good anymore. -My voice has a wiggle in it. -I won't bullshit you. You better get that wiggle out of your voice or take up something else. I'm so mad at David, I could just kill him. I really could. I could just kill him. -Sounds to me like you love him. -No. I do. MEL: Flo, what the hell is going on in there? FLO: Beat it. We'll be back in a minute. MEL: Vera's going crazy in there! -Give us a minute. -I won't give you a minute-- Open that door again, you'll run a 3-legged race to the undertaker. You don't know what's going on. You want to get through the day with just Vera? Don't do this to me. Will you please tell him.... Yeah, I know, but it's my life. It's not some man's life that I'll help him out with. No, ma'am. I can't help it. That's the way I feel. What is it you want? If I knew that, I wouldn't be out here crying in the toilet, would I? -Alice, have you seen this? -Yeah. -I made it myself. -Did you? Did you ever notice what it's made out of? Safety pins. Honey, that's what holds me together. Now, the first thing you got to do is figure out what you want. Once you know that, you just jump in there with both feet... and let the devil take the hindmost. If David comes back, I'll give him a bust right in the mouth. Mel, this is wrong. It's supposed to have tomatoes with it. MEL: It's got a tomato. ALICE: No, a side. Quick, please take my station. No. You want to end up in the toilet again? Please. -No, ma'am. -What do I say to him? Tell him if he wants to keep his shoes under your bed, he better straighten up. ALICE: Okay, I'll tell him. ALICE: Yes? What would you like? I'd like to see you again. I'd like you and Tommy to come out to the place. Or we could do whatever you want to do. DAVID: I know it's got to be different. Yeah. DAVID: I think I understand you. I want to. I want to try. Please. MEL: Ready on the side of tomatoes. God damn it, Alice, I said please. Well, big deal! What the hell is that supposed to mean? Just because you have good manners... doesn't mean I suddenly turn into Dale Evans. DAVID: Did I ever say that? ALICE: You don't need to. I want you and Tommy with me. What the hell do you want? I sure as hell don't want to hear you two fighting for the next 10 years... I'll tell you that. That's between me and Tommy. What about you? I want to sing. I want to be a singer. I am a singer. Anything I do from now on has got to include that. How good are you? I'm as good as I am. That's how good I am. Sounds like one hell of a gamble to me. DAVID: Sure it's worth it? ALICE: Yes. Yes, I am. Definitely. VERA: Feels like fall today. What about Monterey? Is that part of it? ALICE: David, you just don't understand. DAVID: God damn it! Explain it. I was happy in Monterey, you dummy! DAVID: You were a little girl in Monterey. You could be happy here. Sure. But I'm not gonna let anybody stop me this time. Who's stopping you? Pack your bags. I'll take you to Monterey. I don't give a damn about that ranch. All right. All right? MAN: All right, can I have some coffee? ALICE: All right. TOMMY: When we get to Monterey, will you let me write to Audrey? ALICE: I think Audrey's a little mature for you. I don't think she's mature. I think she's nice. Mom, when are we going? School starts in two weeks. Yeah, I know. Look, honey... I know I promised I'd get you to Monterey before school starts. If I don't, Monterey isn't the only town in this country that's got a school. -I might get to go to school here? -Maybe. Great! You mean, you won't mind if we don't get to Monterey? It wasn't my idea. It was your idea. Thank God. I mean, if I'm going to be a singer, I can be a singer anywhere, right? You really love David, don't you? Yep, I do. I like him, too. I just hate his taste in music. TOMMY: You always said you could fight with somebody... and still like them. ALICE: Now you're using your old noggin. Thanks, pal. My boy. TOMMY: Mom, I can't breathe.

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