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  • [all the Brady kids and Alice are tied together by a staircase from Roy Martin, who left and kidnapped mom, they all think in their heads]
  • Bobby Brady: If I had been a better detective, I would've been on Mr. Martin sooner. This is all my fault.
  • Cindy Brady: If I wasn't too busy looking for my doll, I would've seen something suspicious. This is all my fault.
  • Kitty Carry-all: I bet he wouldn't have tied me up if I was Barbie. This is all my fault.
  • Peter Brady: What a dumb-head I am. I guess Roy was not much of a hero after all. This is all my fault.
  • Alice: I must've not put enough mushrooms in his spaghetti sauce. This is all my fault.
  • Greg Brady: Marcia looks great in those ropes... Wait a minute, what am I saying? This is all my fault!
  • Jan Brady: It was wrong to make up George Glass. This is all my fault!
  • Marcia: This is all Jan's fault.

  • Cindy Brady: You can't take my mommy!
  • Marcia Brady: Cindy's right! Take Jan!

  • [Asked where Marcia is]
  • Cindy: She's over there getting lei'd by those Hawaiian boys.

  • Jan Brady: His name is George.
  • Marcia Brady: George what?
  • Jan Brady: George, uhhh Tropicana!
  • Carol Brady: What a nice name. Is he Cuban?
  • Jan Brady: No i mean... Glass. George Glass
  • Marcia Brady: That's funny. I've never heard of a George Glass at our school.
  • Jan Brady: That's because he's a transfer student. He came in the last week of school. He's really good looking and he thinks I'm super cool.
  • Marcia Brady: Sure, Jan.

  • Carol: I wish I could be gay again.

  • Carol: Careful, Mike. he's got a gun.
  • Roy: I don't need a gun to take care of you. I am going to kick your Brady butt.
  • Cindy: He said the "B" word.

  • Mike Brady: A gift is only a good thing when the giver has given thought to that gift. But when the gift the giver gives gives grief, then that gift should give the givee regrets.

  • Marcia: [brushing her hair and counting] One, two, three, four.
  • [noticing Greg undressing through the curtain]
  • Marcia: Four, four, four.
  • Greg Brady: Marcia?
  • Marcia: [seductively] Yes, Greg? [normal voice] I mean, what?
  • Greg Brady: If Roy really is Mom's husband, then does that mean.
  • Marcia: We're not brother and sister?

  • [Walks out]
  • Roy Martin: [laughing] The ones from my room. [Stops laughing] My room? The one's from my. Oh no!
  • Carol Brady: Roy, are you all right?
  • [the song "Good Morning Starshine" begins, and the flowers on Carol's dress animate and float around her face]
  • Carol Brady: Roy, are you all right?
  • Roy Martin: Oh God! I'm tripping with the Bradys!

  • [after Carol has fainted]
  • Mike Brady, Roy Martin: Honey, are you all right?
  • [they stare at each other]
  • Carol Brady: [not surprised] I'm all right.

  • Mike Brady: Us Bradys have to stick together, or we'll fall apart. Much like that house of cards. You see, a deck consists of 52 cards, and if the hearts didn't work with the diamonds and the spades with the clubs, then how the heck would we ever play a game of Gin Rummy? So, in keeping with the spirit of togetherness, I'm sure you kids know the right thing to do.

  • Mike Brady: You seem to be having quite an effect on Peter, Roy.
  • Roy Martin: Well, it's like I always say: "Veni, Vidi, Vici. I came, I saw, I conquered".
  • Mike Brady: Well, like I always say: "Caveat Emptor".
  • Roy Martin: Doesn't that mean "Buyer Beware"?
  • Mike Brady: Yes yes it does.

  • Jan: I'm sure hope we'll find Mom in no time.

  • Cindy: Isn't there something we can do to cheer ourselves up?
  • Greg: Hey, I know.
  • Bobby: Hey.
  • Cindy: Nice.

  • Greg: Sorry, I've been acting weird the last couple of days.
  • Marcia: I've been acting weird too, Greg. After the wedding, I'll move back in to my room. I can wait til the attic. Until, you go to college.
  • Greg: Gee, you're the best sister a guy never had. Well, ever had.
  • (Greg and Marcia are hugging each other)
  • (Greg and Marcia have stopped hugging)
  • (Greg and Marcia have a moment)
  • (Greg and Marcia kiss on the lips)
  • (Greg and Marcia have stopped kissing)
  • Greg: (Shakes Marcia's hand) I gotta go.
  • (Greg and Marcia are awkardly walking away separate)