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  • [first lines; two teenagers answer the door to Nick’s knock delivering their pizza]
  • 15 Year Old #1: Thirty four minutes, four minutes late. Pizza’s free.
  • [his friends points to the pizza poster where Nick works, which has a 30-minutes-or-less delivery policy]
  • Nick: Come on, you guys live two towns away, it’s pretty much impossible to get here in thirty minutes.
  • 15 Year Old #2: Huh, exactly! That’s why we order from your shitty pizza parlor.
  • Nick: Okay, you guys are pretty smart. You’ve figured out a way to beat the system.
  • [he gives them their pizzas]
  • Nick: There you go.
  • 15 Year Old #2: Thank you.
  • Nick: What, no tip?
  • 15 Year Old #1: Sorry, only got the big bills.
  • Nick: Mmm, you guys kinda of remind me of me when I was your age actually. You know, kinda like just trying to get drunk any chance I get. what you got the fridge full of beer, right?
  • 15 Year Old #1: Man, we don’t have anything.
  • Nick: Really?
  • 15 Year Old #2: Could you get us some beer?
  • Nick: Me? Um…listen, I shouldn’t do this, but if you give me the money that your mom gave you for the pizzas, which you didn’t give me, uh…I will run out and get you some beer.
  • [whispering to his friend]
  • 15 Year Old #2: What do we do? Let’s get fuckin’ shit faced.
  • Nick: But I want a tip this time.
  • 15 Year Old #2: Okay. Um…we have…that’s forty.
  • [he hands over the money to Nick]
  • Nick: Uh…thanks, man. Wait, um…how many am I gettin’?
  • 15 Year Old #2: Whatever that will get us.
  • Nick: Okay. I will see you soon.
  • [he turns and leaves but stops and turns to the boys again]
  • Nick: Wait, you boys like O’Douls, right?
  • 15 Year Old #2: Yeah, fuckin’ love that shit!
  • 15 Year Old #1: Totally.
  • 15 Year Old #2: You rule!
  • [after Nick has witnessed Chet sat in his car with his date performing oral sex on him after which she then kisses him]
  • Chet: Hey, what the hell? You just been sittin’ there watchin’ the whole time?
  • Nick: Yeah, man. I got the whole show. Really classy move there at the end by the way, that kiss?
  • Chet: Look, the woman is kind enough to provide me with felacio services, I’m not just gonna dart outta there like she’s an untouchable.
  • Nick: Nothin’ says chivalry is dead. Here, have a beer? The alcohol should help wash the taste of yourself out of your mouth.
  • Chet: Well thank you, sir.
  • Nick: Hey, I rented some movies for us. I got uh…I got Lethal Weapon. I got uh…Lethal Weapon 2.
  • Chet: I think I’m gonna have to pass. I gotta be up early tomorrow to teach a class at seven.
  • Nick: Come on, man! You’re a sub, just call in sick like the real teacher did.
  • Chet: Dude, you know I got hired to full-time last month, alright? You bought me a laser pointer.
  • Nick: I know. I’m just having trouble accepting you as the man. You know, cause you’re you. Filling kids heads with a bunch of bullshit, laser pointing at stuff, just so you could have your summers off.
  • [Dwayne and Travis are target-shooting watermelons in an old scrap yard]
  • Dwayne: You know, if you weren’t such a skinny little bitch, you could be in the military.
  • Travis: I don’t need to be in the military, dude. I taught myself to do this shit. Went online and looked all this up.
  • Dwayne: Oh, I hear you. I taught myself how to eat pussy and cut my own hair.
  • Travis: I taught myself how to eat pussy here.
  • [watching Friday 13th in 3D, Dwayne jumps up from his seat and starts heckling Jason Vorhees on screen and Travis joins him when Dwayne father catches them in the act]
  • The Major: Who are you two fags fucking?
  • Dwayne: Just…Jason Voorhees.
  • Travis: Afternoon, Major.
  • The Major: It’s been twenty years, Dwayne. When are you finally gonna get up the courage to ask him out?
  • Dwayne: That’s not funny. We’re business partners.
  • The Major: Oh, yeah? What kind of business are you in?
  • Dwayne: Entra…entraper…
  • Travis: Entreprens.
  • Dwayne: Entrepreneurals.
  • The Major: That’s not a business! You can’t even pronounce it!
  • Dwayne: We’re just tryin’ to watch this movie. About forty five minutes left and three titees comin’ up. You’re comin’ at the worst possible time.
  • The Major: Yeah, well I bought that TV so I could watch my football. Not so that you and your boyfriend can jack off all over it.
  • Dwayne: Well, then maybe you should learn how to share the common space better.
  • The Major: Common? The only thing common in this house is you.
  • Dwayne: Come on, Travis. This movie sucks anyway.
  • Travis: You look good, Major.
  • The Major: I paid for the damn cold cuts too. Maybe if you got a job, or a fucking prospect, or a clue how to get any of the above, I’d let you eat ’em.
  • Dwayne: You’re a cold son of a bitch, dad.
  • The Major: That’s what it takes, boy. In the core, pussy’s like you wore dresses keep us entertained.
  • Dwayne: That’s really fucking disturbing.
  • [Nick pops a balloon to get Kate’s attention]
  • Kate: Very funny, but you’re late.
  • Nick: No, no. I’m forty five minutes late, which is like, ten minutes early for me.
  • Kate: Where the hell were you? You live like two blocks away.
  • [referring to his uniform]
  • Nick: Yeah, I got held up trying to pick out the perfect shirt and hat combo for you. What do you think?
  • Kate: I like it. It’s very minimum wage.
  • Nick: Thanks. I can’t wait to quit and take this shit off.
  • [referring to the pizza they’re eating]
  • Kate: Say what you wanna say about your boss, but the man knows how to make a good pizza.
  • Nick: I think that guy can suck on a dick.
  • Kate: Mmm, did you see Tom Small’s Facebook update?
  • Nick: No, you know I don’t check that shit. I’m off the grid.
  • Kate: He came out.
  • Nick: What?
  • Kate: Even posted a picture of him and his Latin boyfriend.
  • Nick: Tom Small is gay? That kid used to beat the hell out of me and Chet in grammar school. Wow!
  • Kate: Tell me about it. He OTPF’d me at Junior High formal.
  • Nick: What the hell is that?
  • Kate: Over the pants finger.
  • Nick: That’s disgusting.
  • Kate: So I’ve got news.
  • Nick: Even bigger news than the Tom Small? Cause I don’t know if I can take much more news.
  • Kate: This little corporation called The Four Seasons decided to finally get their shit together and accept me to their management training program.
  • Nick: Really? Woh! Congratulations. That’s amazing.
  • Kate: Thank you.
  • Nick: I just can’t believe they’re opening a Four Seasons in town, we don’t even have a Radisson.
  • Kate: Yeah, exactly. Which is why I’m moving to Atlanta. I’m going to be working in their special events department.
  • Nick: In Atlanta? You know I know a little bit about it from rap music, and uh…it sounds like a fucked up place.
  • Kate: Come on! It’s everything I’m working towards.
  • Nick: Did you tell your brother?
  • Kate: Yeah, Chet was really happy for me. I thought you’d be happy for me too.
  • Nick: I am. I’m totally happy for you. In fact I will make you a crunk CD or something. You can show it off to your new hustler friends in Atlanta.
  • [sat in a in a sleazy strip club with a stripper dancing on top of him]
  • Dwayne: He treats me like a bitch, that’s no way to treat his son! He thinks he knows me, he doesn’t. He doesn’t fucking know me. I have more ideas than he could ever dream of. I have plans bigger than this whole fucking house.
  • Juicy: Sure, whatever you say. Maybe just be quite for a while. Forget about your old dad. Let me do my thing.
  • Dwayne: Wish I could forget about that asshole. As is, I’m pretty much just waiting for him to drop dead. Just don’t wanna mess my inheritance.
  • Juicy: Really? What kind of inheritance?
  • Dwayne: Well, when the old man left the service, started buying lotto tickets. Next thing you know in ninety eight the dude hits it for ten million dollars. And ever since then he’s been burning through it like an NBA dropkick. Winnebago’s, flat screen TV’s, sort of senseless spending. We’re probably down to like one or two million now. As soon as he kicks it, all that cash is mine.
  • [as she’s sat on top of him half naked manipulating him]
  • Juicy: Maybe I could help you get that money now.
  • Dwayne: Oh, yeah?
  • Juicy: Before he spends another penny.
  • Dwayne: And how would you do that?
  • Juicy: I know a guy in Detroit, he could help you. Probably do it for hundred G’s.
  • Dwayne: Do what?
  • Juicy: Kill your mean old dad. So what do you say? Are you ready for your crown?
  • [she puts his hands on her breasts]
  • Dwayne: Uhuh.
  • Nick: It’s pretty crazy about Tom Small, huh?
  • Chet: Yeah, well, I never liked him.
  • Nick: Your sister did. You know she let him finger blast her, big time.
  • Chet: What the fuck are you talking about, man? I don’t want that shit in my head!
  • Nick: Sorry. Yeah, your sister told me about it last night. I thought you should know.
  • Chet: What are you guys swapping stories about getting fingered?
  • Nick: No. Just your sister made some questionable decisions. You know, like uh…like moving to Atlanta.
  • Chet: What’s wrong with that? She’s gonna manage a hotel, I get free rooms, you can go over there and crash whenever you’re out on the streets. We’d all win!
  • Nick: Yeah, accept her. Once she gets involved with some Atlanta douchebag that’s totally wrong for her. You know, some…some doctor who drives a white BMW, listens to Fish. Fucking lame!
  • Chet: Fine, whatever. Why are we talking about who my sister goes out with?
  • Nick: I don’t know.
  • Chet: You wanna fuck my sister, don’t you?
  • Nick: Chet, I really don’t wanna talk about this, okay?
  • Chet: Aahh! My twin sister who is based on fucking me?
  • Nick: Oh, hardly! Your sister is attractive and she excites me. Yes, in a sexual way. Can we please just be adults about this?
  • Chet: You, an adult? You had a Lunchables for dinner last night. You’re a fucking man child!
  • Nick: Hey, don’t say shit you can’t take back, okay?
  • Chet: How about this? Do you wanna know who I saw naked?
  • Nick: Who?
  • Chet: Miss Jenny Rifkin when I was nailing her the week after she dumped you, intercourse style. That’s right, by brown hands all over her nice white kid-ass.
  • Nick: Wow! You pulled a Judas on Jenny fuckin’ Rifkin. That is messed up, Chet. Almost as messed up as how I sold your Willy Mays signed ball for two hundred bucks!
  • Chet: Hey, my grandpa left me that ball in his will! You helped me look for it for a month!
  • Nick: Now you know why we never found it. Are we done here?
  • Chet: Not quite yet.
  • Nick: Okay.
  • Chet: I was the one who told John Tanner about your mom fucked that life guard and I always felt God awful about it, cause even though I swore secrecy he wound up telling everyone else in town then your parents got divorced. But now I don’t give a shit!
  • Nick: Well, then…then you ruined my whole fucking life!
  • Chet: Not much a life to ruin, but yeah! I guess I did.
  • Nick: Okay, Chet. You’re right, I do wanna have sex with your sister, again. Because the first time was so awesome.
  • Chet: Bullshit! That never happened.
  • Nick: Graduation night.
  • Chet: No. You fucked Tina Scado.
  • Nick: No, I just told you I did. Same story, different girl.
  • Chet: What? You deflowered my sister and I know all the fucking details!
  • [suddenly he jumps on to Nick and they start wrestling and hitting each other on the floor]
  • [after Chet has beaten Nick for sleeping with his twin sister]
  • Chet: You’re not good enough for my sister, okay? You’re a pizza boy!
  • Nick: You know, I actually feel sorry for you. Fucking dick. Cause you’ll never understand this shit is way more complicated than your fucking online dating.
  • Chet: You’re a shit friend! All these years of asking me for stuff, favors, you know? That beat down is the last favor you’ll ever get!
  • Nick: Good. It’s the last one I’ll ever need.
  • [Nick leaves the apartment giving Chet the finger]
  • Chet: Yeah, I’ll give you a call and order the fucking mozzarella sticks!
  • [cleaning the Major’s pool]
  • Travis: The pool is so dirty, dude. I mean, where did all these leaves come from?
  • Dwayne: Where the hell do you think, dude? The fucking trees!
  • Travis: That’s what she said.
  • Dwayne: No, ‘that’s what she said’ jokes don’t work with that. It has to be something in a sexual reference. Like, you know, ‘These leaves are hard. That’s what she said.’
  • Travis: Oh.
  • Travis: Dwayne?
  • Dwayne: What?
  • Travis: Look, I don’t wanna get in the middle of a family matter or anything. But uh…uh killing the Major seems kinda messed up. Right or no?
  • Dwayne: No, it’s not messed up, dude. It’s barely even murder. I mean, it’s really just kinda shooting a few years off the old man’s shitty existence.
  • The Major: Hey, Dipshit? My pool ain’t ready in an hour or you don’t get paid. Maybe you ought to wake your lazy ass up before noon.
  • Travis: I woke up at one fifteen, Major. That’s a fact. You look good.
  • [the Major walks back into the house]
  • Dwayne: Nice to see you, dad. Love you so much.
  • [Dwayne holds up his hand giving the Major the finger]
  • Dwayne: You know why I sleep late, Travis? It’s not because I’m lazy. It’s on account of me having so many God damn dreams, big ones. Prepare yourself. What’s the one thing this town’s missing? I’ll give you a hint. It’s cash business, it’s crawling with sexy bitches.
  • Travis: Chinese food restaurant?
  • Dwayne: No.
  • Travis: Abortion clinic?
  • Dwayne: No! Yuk! No! A tanning salon! You know? Think of all the green, all the brown flesh. And it’s the perfect front for a prostitution rig.
  • Travis: Woh!
  • Dwayne: And guess what?
  • Travis: What?
  • Dwayne: I’m gonna cut you in on it. Yep. Make you a partner in business, if and only if, you’ll be my partner in crime. You’re gonna be fucking rich and famous helping dudes to come and get tans. Or are you gonna be a fucking pussy and clean this asshole’s pool for ten bucks and hour?
  • Travis: Yeah, alright. I’ll do it. But I’m not gonna shoot the Major or anything, alright? I’ll hold him while you shoot him. That’s it, dude.
  • Dwayne: No. Listen, I’m not shooting anybody, alright? You wanna be a millionaire, Travis, you gotta start thinking like one, okay? Do you think millionaires murder people? No. No, they don’t. They hire a highly trained assassin to do it for ’em.
  • Travis: Right.
  • Dwayne: Which I have done.
  • Travis: What?! Where are we gonna get a hundred thousand dollars to pay this deadly assassin?
  • Dwayne: See we’re now getting down to the heart of the matter. How do we get the hundred G’s? Cause once we have the hundred G’s we basically have the million. Once we have the million, well then we own everything everything and everyone in this whole fucking town.
  • Travis: Yeah. Maybe we uh…rob a bank, isn’t that what people do? Just go down to the local branch shoot some old dipshit security guard and be like…
  • Dwayne: No, you’re not really thinking like a millionaire.
  • Travis: Alright then. Maybe we uh…hire somebody to rob a bank?
  • Dwayne: Dude, fuck hiring! Let’s force some dumb motherfucker to rob a bank for us. So, I film myself banging this dude’s wife, okay? I talk her into doing some degrading shit, like if the neighborhood kids are over then I’ll whack hard on her face. And then we use the tape to blackmail her husband into robbing the bank.
  • Travis: That’s a great idea, Dwayne. Really good. I just think it might be a little hard to find a wife that slutty and gross by Tuesday.
  • Dwayne: Yeah, I guess seduction does take some time. So what do we do? We use political pressure, death threats…?
  • Travis: Or a bomb. Everyone’s afraid of a bomb, Dwayne.
  • Dwayne: I was gonna say hypnotism, but I like a bomb. Yeah, I mean that’s definitely thinking outside the box.
  • Travis: Right?
  • [referring to Travis’ idea of strapping someone with a bomb in order to get them to rob a bank]
  • Dwayne: What would you? You just like stick it to him like we did the water melons?
  • Travis: Yeah, strap it on, man.
  • Dwayne: You can do that?
  • Travis: Yeah. Camel jockey’s do it in caves. I got a fucking dope ass garage workshop in America.
  • Dwayne: This is true. And what I like about this idea is this is kinda how a fucking millionaire would do it. We don’t have to lose any sleep over it, nobody gets hurt.
  • Travis: Accept the Major.
  • Dwayne: The trick is gonna be, where do we get our dude? Cause if we’re gonna commit to kidnapping, I mean that’s just as risky as a murder.
  • Travis: That’s a good point.
  • Dwayne: We have to figure out a way to bring the dude to us. Lure him into a situation that we have total control over. We also gotta make sure this dude is not connected to us in any way.
  • [stumped at where to find this guy when suddenly a commercial for Vito’s Pizza airs on the TV next to them and they stare at it]
  • Dwayne: Sometimes fate pulls out its big old cock and slaps you right in the face.
  • [at work Nick is making up pizza boxes]
  • Pizza Boss: Hey, I don’t mean to interrupt you curing the cancer here but uh…it’s time to get back on the street.
  • [dumps a pizza delivery bag on the table give him the delivery address]
  • Nick: No, I’m…I’m off in ten minutes. Where the hell is this?
  • Pizza Boss: Oh, here let me check my ‘fuck you map’. But yeah, it’s in uh…thirty minutes or less land or else the pizza comes out of your paycheck.
  • [Nick gets up and picks up the delivery bag]
  • Nick: Tick tock.
  • [Nick drives up to the pizza delivery address and walks up to the doorway]
  • Dwayne: Hey, over here, buddy. Sorry you got the ass end of the night.
  • Nick: Yep, I hear that. Hey, listen I know I’m probably like ten, fifteen minutes late, but uh…
  • [suddenly Dwayne wearing a gorilla mask appears at the doorway]
  • Nick: It’s uh…it’s a great mask. That’s very funny. So listen, about the whole thirty minutes thing, are we cool? Cause uh…
  • [Nick sees another figure wearing a gorilla mask walking towards him]
  • Nick: Oh, another one. The missing link. That’s uh…that’s really nice. I wish I could get stoned too. So which one of you gorilla’s handles the cash? Cause uh…
  • Dwayne: Get him!
  • [Travis charges at him and Nick starts running]
  • Nick: Woh! Woh! Dude, just take the pizza, man!
  • Dwayne: Escape is impossible!
  • [Nick stumbles to the ground and Travis leaps on top of him]
  • Nick: Yoh! What the hell? Rape! Rape!
  • [Travis presses a chloroform soaked rag against Nick’s mouth and nose until he passes out]
  • Dwayne: Step one.
  • [after being knocked out, Nick’s blurry vision comes into focus and he sees the two figures in gorilla masks]
  • Dwayne: You thought we were gonna rape you.
  • [Dwayne and Travis laugh]
  • Dwayne: What an idiot?
  • [Dwayne takes Nick’s wallet and reads his driver license]
  • Dwayne: Alright, let’s see here. Mr. Nick Davis of One Ten North Whatever-the-Fuck- Street. Right now you’re wearing a highly explosive bomb vest
  • [Nick with mouth duct taped looks down at his chest and sees the bomb strapped to him and mumbles something through the tape]
  • Dwayne: Shh! Calm down. Calm down I’m carrying a piece.
  • Travis: Hey, man. Take it easy. Alright, I build the bomb so it’s pretty stable.
  • Dwayne: For a fucking bomb. Don’t do anything stupid like trip over your shoe laces or anything. That vest is packed with C4. The C is for chaos.
  • Travis: Hey, it’s actually for ‘composite’, but you know don’t bump into shit.
  • [Travis does the explosion sound with his mouth to indicate Nick will blow]
  • Dwayne: So what do you think, pizza boy? Can we take the tape off?
  • [Nick mumbles loudly in agreement]
  • Dwayne: Mmmm? I’m trusting you now.
  • [Dwayne takes off the tape from Nick’s mouth adn Nick starts shouting]
  • Nick: Help! Help! Help me! Help!
  • [mocking Nick’s plea for help]
  • Dwayne: Some one help him! Help! Help him!
  • [to Nick]
  • Dwayne: Who the fuck do you think you are? You might as well be in outer space, man. Nobody can fucking hear you scream.
  • Travis: They would hear you more in space, actually.
  • Dwayne: No, you can’t hear anyone in space. That’s…it’s from Alien.
  • Nick: Why are you doing this to me?
  • Dwayne: Why does anybody do something fucked up to someone else? For money, dude!
  • Travis: Che-che-che-ching!
  • Nick: I’ll go sell my car, man. I can get you, like…I’ll get you like a thousand bucks.
  • Dwayne: For that Mustang?
  • Travis: You mean a hundred dollars?
  • Nick: No. No. I’ll get you a thousand bucks. I swear to God, please!
  • Dwayne: We’re gonna need a hundred grand.
  • Nick: Where the fuck am I supposed to get that much money?
  • Dwayne: I don’t know. Maybe The Donner-Wells National Bank on Charles Road.
  • Travis: By the Olive Garden.
  • Nick: How am I supposed to rob a bank?
  • Dwayne: That’s not my problem, dude, it’s yours. Get creative. Maybe use the scary bomb strapped to your chest. Maybe do it the old fashioned way, get a gun, a band of outlaws. Doesn’t matter to me, it’s not rocket science.
  • Nick: Fine then, do it yourself.
  • Dwayne: Well I would do it but looks like I’m wearing the gorilla mask and you’re already wearing that bomb.
  • [to Travis]
  • Dwayne: Go ahead and tell him about the bomb vest.
  • Travis: Look, you seem like a pretty smart guy. But just in case you’re gonna panic and try and be a hero, like ‘I’m gonna take this fucking vest off! Fuck you guys! You’re and asshole!’ Don’t to that, okay? Cause we booby trapped it to shit!
  • Nick: Okay!
  • Travis: Okay? There’s also a little remote detonator on the back we can trigger at any time by dialing a number.
  • Dwayne: We got your shit on speed dial. We’re watching you, alright? So do what you gotta do but know that if you go near a police station, Fourth of July has come a little early this year.
  • Nick: No. No. Don’t…don’t do that.
  • [to Nick]
  • Dwayne: It’s nine a.m., you got ten hours.
  • [he turns on the timer on the bomb vest]
  • Dwayne: Soon as you get the money, call this number here.
  • [he holds up a piece of paper which he give to Travis to place in Nick’s wallet]
  • Dwayne: You call, we’ll give you specific directions on where to make the drop off. You do good, we’ll give you a six digit combination that will stop the timer and open the lock. But if you don’t do good, allow me to make a little demonstration for you.
  • [Dwayne and Travis sit on either side of Nick]
  • Dwayne: Pay attention to the uh… cuddly bear there on the barrel.
  • [Dwayne pretends his cell phone is ringing]
  • Dwayne: Ring-ring-ring-ring. Oh, look! The bear’s calling, what a coincidence?
  • [he talks into his cell phone]
  • Dwayne: Hello, bear. How’s it going? Yeah, you just hanging out getting fucked up. That’s cool. Wait, what do you mean you couldn’t rob the bank? It was too hard? What, so you went back to your bear cave and hid like a little crying bitch? Well, that’s a shame my stuffed buddy. Because time is up.
  • [he pushes a button on a detonator and the bear explodes into cloud of stuffing]
  • Dwayne: I liked that bear. I don’t even fucking know you. Well get to it, man.
  • Nick: Okay.
  • Dwayne: Show and tell is over.
  • [Travis unties Nick’s hands]
  • Travis: And you’re free.
  • Dwayne: Dude, time is literally ticking right now.
  • Travis: Here are the keys to your great car.
  • Dwayne: Go on now. Get after it.
  • Nick: Okay.
  • [Nick goes to leave but turns]
  • Nick: Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Can we just…just maybe talk about this?
  • Dwayne: Yeah, of course we can talk.
  • [Dwayne takes out a gun and fires two shots at Nick’s feet]
  • Nick: Woh! Woh!
  • Dwayne: Get fucking moving!
  • Travis: Be careful.
  • Dwayne: You’re wasting time! Go! Fucking move!
  • [Nick gets into his car and drives away fast]
  • Dwayne: We’ll be watching you!
  • [as soon as Nick leaves Travis takes his gorilla mask off and turns to Dwayne]
  • Travis: What the fuck, Dwayne? You told me that was a replica gun.
  • Dwayne: Yeah, it was. Then I paid a Mexican fifty bucks to put a firing pin in it. Now it goes boom.
  • Travis: Dude, we can’t have a loaded gun around that bomb.
  • Dwayne: Don’t you ever question me. I’m the one fucking this bitch. You’re the one holding the camera.
  • Travis: I know, man. I…I’m just saying you should have told me.
  • Dwayne: This ain’t like the marines. If you hesitate, if you fuck around, I will leave you behind. Come on. We got some surveillance to do and possibly breakfast.
  • [after interrupting Chet in the middle of teaching his class]
  • Chet: Well, well, well! Look who wants to apologize? Well, you know what? It’s gonna take a lot more than some pathetic groveling.
  • Nick: Chet, shut up! Okay? I don’t want to apologize to you.
  • Chet: Then what do you want? Cause we have nothing left to say to each other.
  • Nick: Last night two guys in masks jumped me and strapped a bomb to my chest. Now I have less than nine hours to rob a bank!
  • Chet: You’re hysterical. Great joke. I’m gonna go back to my class.
  • [Nick unzips his jacket, revealing the bomb]
  • Chet: What is this?
  • [Chet goes to touch the bomb vest but Nick pulls back]
  • Nick: No! Don’t! Don’t! Don’t!
  • Chet: What the fuck? Is that thing real?
  • Nick: I am not fucking around here! Two guys did this to me and if I don’t rob that bank in time this thing is gonna blow.
  • Chet: Seriously?
  • Nick: Seriously.
  • Chet: And your first thought was to come a school filled with young children?
  • Nick: Well, I guess I didn’t really think about it.
  • Chet: Just back away. Okay? Back away. Back away. Back away. Back away.
  • Nick: I mean, I think the vest is probably safe for now. These guys don’t want me to blow up in accident before I get them their money, right?
  • Chet: Oh, yeah! You figure that two psychopaths that put a bomb on your chest made sure it was safe? There’s no margin for error in their fucking bomb vest design!?
  • Nick: No! No! I don’t know! All I know is that this is real. Okay? This is real. This is happening. But I have no where else to go.
  • Chet: For what?
  • Nick: I need your help, okay? I can’t do this alone.
  • Chet: Dammit! I wanna tell you to get fucked.
  • Nick: I know.
  • Chet: But I can’t! Cause I’m a better man than you. If I let you go and you explode or whatever, this shit will come back and eat at my conscience and affect my relationships with other people. Like my future wife and kids and shit. We’re having a picnic or something one day and I would just be like ‘dammit, I shouldn’t have let Nick explode that time.’
  • Nick: That’s a very rational way to look at the situation. And you’re right about being a better man than me.
  • Chet: Well, could you just walk a few feet in front of me?
  • Nick: Yeah, I can do that. Thank you.
  • Chango: Did you miss me?
  • Juicy: Of course I miss you, baby.
  • Chango: Don’t lie to me.
  • Juicy: Guys in there get Juicy, but you get Chocolate.
  • Chango: Ah, cool Chocolate. Here’s what I want, first I want my money, then I wanna kill that old motherfucker. Now I wanna get get the fuck out of here, right?
  • Juicy: Well that’s how it’s gonna go. We’re just waiting for the call.
  • Chango: Man, see, look. Here’s what I’m doin’ right here.
  • [he closes his eyes]
  • Chango: See my…my impatient face? See my impatient face right here?
  • Juicy: Well, I think I can keep you entertained.
  • [Chet is sat with his laptop looking at websites for bomb disarming]
  • Chet: Okay, we’ll saw off both your arms, slip the vest over your head then go to the hospital. They’ll reattach your arms, we’ll just keep your arms on ice the whole time.
  • Nick: Fuck that!
  • Chet: Well, I don’t know what to do, man! All these site say different shit. There’s not a lot of consensus in the bomb disarming community. What do they do in the Hurt Locker?
  • Nick: I don’t know. I…I didn’t see it.
  • Chet: Yeah, me neither. I Netflixed it like six months ago, it’s just been sitting on my coffee table. So dumb, I pay like twelve ninety nine a month and just keep the same three movies at my house.
  • [Nick opens the toilet door where he’s sat on the toilet trying to get the bomb vest off]
  • Nick: Stop! Jesus! Just keep looking online, okay?
  • Chet: Fine. You can’t expect me to become a bomb disarming expert after looking online for five minutes.
  • [referring to the vest]
  • Nick: It’s too tight.
  • Chet: I’m telling you, man, that last thing I looked up online was how to make a quiche and I fucked it up, bit time!
  • Nick: These guys said they’d be following me. I have no idea what they look like, they could be anywhere.
  • Chet: Call the cops!
  • Nick: No, we can’t. If they see the cops show up, they blow the vest and cut their losses. What do I do, Chet? What do I do?
  • Chet: I don’t know, man! I guess you gotta just rob the bank.
  • Nick: Fuck! Fuck!
  • Chet: It’s gonna be okay. No, it’s not going to be okay! I’m going to fucking blow up!
  • [suddenly Chet slaps Nick hard in the face]
  • Chet: Come on!
  • Nick: Woh! Ow!
  • Chet: Get yourself together!
  • Nick: Fuck, Chet!
  • Chet: You know exactly how to rob a bank
  • Nick: What are you talking about?
  • Chet: Point Break, that movie’s a ‘how to guide’ for bank robberies. You just bust in, masks, guns, move fast, stick to the tellers and don’t bother with the vault.
  • Nick: Yeah, you’re right. I guess it is pretty simple. And it’s just a local bank too, it’s The Donner-Wells on Charles Road.
  • Chet: The one by the Olive Garden? That’s my bank! Small, standard security, totally manageable for one dude.
  • Nick: One dude? You mean you’re not gonna do it with me?
  • Chet: No, but I’m happy to five tips, advice, motivational speeches.
  • Nick: Oh, Chet! Please! Jesus Christ! I need you on this, okay? Okay? I can’t take this alone. If I do it alone I’m dead. Please!
  • Chet: Okay, just tell me this. How many times did you sleep with my sister?
  • Nick: Just once. I swear to God. Graduation night.
  • Chet: Okay, I’ll help you on one condition. You never mention my sister again and you never speak to my sister again.
  • Nick: Okay. Okay. Yes, we can do this.
  • [getting their robbery supply from a Family Dollar store]
  • Nick: Okay, here we are. Is the uh…handguns or the Uzis? What do you think?
  • [Chet picks one of the fake looking guns still in it’s plastic packaging]
  • Chet: These look to be real.
  • [he practices doing the robbery and hold the gun at at Nick and start shouting]
  • Chet: Get down on the groun…
  • Nick: Wait! Shhh!
  • [Chet quietens his voice]
  • Chet: Get down on the ground and give me the money in the bank!

Nick: Oh, how am I supposed to get the money if I’m on the ground?

  • Chet: Go get the money in the bank and then get down on the ground afterwards!
  • Nick: Alright, I’ll be right back.
  • [Dwayne and Travis are watching Nick and Chet parked in the parking lot of Family Dollar store and listening to a mixed tape]
  • Dwayne: Dude, you totally fucked up this mixed tape.
  • [Dwayne takes the tape out and tosses it at Travis in the passenger seat]
  • Dwayne: We’re not a bunch of Frat guys trying to finger bang girl to match-box twenty, alright? We’re trying to mastermind a heist here! It should be like some industrial shit, some fucking German techno.
  • Travis: Sorry Dwayne, that song means a lot to me.
  • Dwayne: Well, it doesn’t mean a lot to me. It means a fucking headache to me. I just want this guy to fucking hurry up.
  • Travis: Aren’t you worried about the other guy? The whole fucking mini genie.
  • Dwayne: No, man. He picked him up from a school. As long as he’s not a cop, I don’t give a shit. He can bring the whole fucking faculty for all I care, as long as he gets me my money.
  • [referring to the tanning salon he wants to set up]
  • Dwayne: You know I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and I want you to start out at the front counter. I know it sounds like a demotion but it’s not, alright. It’s a very important job. We’re gonna be using a lot of code words and shit.
  • Travis: For what?
  • Dwayne: Well, say a gentleman walks in and says ‘Hello, good afternoon. I’d like a tan’. Well that just means that he wants a tan.
  • Travis: Okay.
  • Dwayne: But if a guy comes in and is like ‘Yoh, I want a deluxe tan.’ That means he wants a tan and a blow job. Which means you would have to go to the back grab…
  • Travis: And blow on him?!
  • Dwayne: No, you have to find a girl to suck him off.
  • Travis: Oh, okay.
  • [at the check out counter a register woman swipes their items]
  • Register Woman: Guns. Mask. You sure you all don’t wanna grab some condoms?
  • Nick: No. Why?
  • Register Woman: Because this is usually what men buy before they rape someone.
  • Chet: Oh, we’re not rapists! Us two, small fries? No way.
  • [she gives them a cold unbelieving look]
  • Register Woman: Is it gonna be cash or credit for your rape kit?
  • [Chet put a box of hamburger slider kit on the counter]
  • Chet: Hey, is a slider station in a rape kit? Cause we’re gettin’ one of those too.
  • Nick: We’ll pay cash.
  • Chet: Not into rape, just into sliders.
  • Travis: That puts anal into the hard anal count?
  • Dwayne: No, the anal will tip it off too much.
  • Travis: Alright. What if a black guy comes, will he get a tanning glover?
  • Dwayne: No, we’re not going to profile racially our clients. We don’t say anything if it’s a black guy who comes in. If a dude comes in and wants a black chick, then yeah that would be a tanning glover.
  • Dwayne: What code’s for that? Do we have codes for missionary, for anal, for black chicks? I’ve a whole glossary of terms in my files back at home. But I’m not gonna go into that right now because you my friend are supposed to be on the look out and I know how terrible you are with multitasking.
  • [suddenly Travis sees Nick and Chet pulling out of their parking space and driving away]
  • Travis: Woh, they’re getting away, dude. He’s getting away.
  • Dwayne: Oh, shit!
  • [singing as he’s spray painting the fake guns]
  • Chet: Paint our guns. Paint our guns. Paint our guns for the bank robbery. Cause we’re goin’ with our plastic guns and the cops will shoot us in our face. Cause we’re goin’ with our plastic guns…
  • Nick: Look, can you please be more careful! You’re getting paint all over the car.
  • Chet: Really? You’re worried about getting paint in this car?
  • Nick: Yeah.
  • Chet: Your car is a total piece of shit.
  • Nick: Yoh, please!
  • Chet: No, your car is garbage. It’s like you bought a Mustang and the Mustang got aids, and you’re worried about paint in it?
  • Nick: Yeah.
  • Chet: Alright, fine.
  • [as Chet is about to spray paint the fake guns again]
  • Nick: And don’t turn that over, it’s still wet.
  • Chet: What? It’s fast drying.
  • Nick: Fast isn’t the same as instant, okay? You gotta let it sit for like twenty minutes.
  • Chet: Alright. We don’t have time to sit around and literally watch paint dry, okay? Aren’t we headed straight to the bank?
  • Nick: Alright, I was actually thinking we gotta stop and steal a car first.
  • Chet: What?! Why? We have a car!
  • Nick: Yeah, we have my car. Okay? I can’t use this as the getaway vehicle, they’ll trace plates. Even if we do get away we’ll be promptly arrested.
  • Chet: Well, how are we gonna steal a car? I don’t know how to hot wire a vehicle. Do you know how to hot wire a vehicle
  • Nick: Uh-uh. That’s why I was thinking we gotta stop and steal the one from your parents’ friends. The Fishers. Remember how they used to pay us to clean their garage? They leave the keys in there and they got a Datsun. That’s a fast car.
  • Chet: I’m not stealing the Fishers Datsun, okay? Let’s steal one of your parents’ friends cars.
  • Nick: Okay!
  • [suddenly Nick pulls over and stops the car]
  • Nick: What friends? What friends? My parents don’t have any. My dad moved away when your big mouth humiliated him and ruined his marriage and no one wants to hang out with a mom who everyone knew fucked a life guard.
  • Chet: You never should have told me! I was thirteen years old! I couldn’t process information like that. I thought it was cool your mom fucked a life guard. Fuck! I’m sorry.
  • Nick: Okay. I accept your apology.
  • Chet: That’s it? You don’t apologize for sleeping with my sister?
  • Nick: You told me not to mention it.
  • Chet: Right.
  • [after Fisher catches Nick and Chet in his garage]
  • Nick: Okay, now listen. Uh…we’re obviously stealing the car and I don’t want you to report it stolen until later tonight. Let’s say uh…uh…five o’clock or six to be safe.
  • Chet: Six fifteen!
  • Nick: Yeah, right! Six fifteen.
  • Chet: Don’t even bother calling the cops. We own the cops.
  • Nick: Good. Okay. And if you mess with us, I swear to God I will…I will shoot your son!
  • Chet: Dillon Fisher.
  • Nick: Yes! Dillon Fisher and I know where he works too. He works at the travel agency.
  • Chet: He’s a douchebag with the bangs.
  • Nick: That’s right.
  • Mr. Fisher: No, please! Don’t do that, I won’t…I won’t say a thing, I promise. Just…just leave Dillon alone.
  • Nick: Okay, good. But if you call the cops, there’s gonna be an undertaker styling his stupid fucking bangs.
  • Chet: Cause he’ll be dead!
  • Nick: That’s right! Cause he’ll dead! Now, open the fucking garage door
  • [Fisher presses the button that opens the garage door]
  • Chet: Do you have any snacks? Granola bars or yogurts?
  • Nick: Not now. Not now.
  • Chet: I’m hungry.
  • [to Fisher]
  • Nick: Okay, remember our deal. Six fifteen and not a minute early.
  • Mr. Fisher: Yeah!
  • [to Chet as he gets into the car]
  • Nick: Move over.
  • Mr. Fisher: Please, just go!
  • Nick: I’m driving.
  • [to Fisher as they drive off with his car]
  • Chet: Thanks! Have a great afternoon!
  • [after stealing Fishers’ car]
  • Chet: Man, I’m totally implicated! What if he saw my brown hands? There’s only like four Indians living in Grand Rapids.
  • Nick: I don’t know, the guys not the map locker. He’s Fishers, he’s a fucking CPA. I think you’ll be okay.
  • Chet: Awesome! Stuck inside and even smaller car with you and bomb. Next time why don’t we steal a Smart car?
  • [as they’re driving in the stolen car]
  • Nick: There’s actually something I want to do first.
  • Chet: Uh, get something to eat! Thank you. Let’s go to Western Burger.
  • Nick: Mmm…actually I wanna go tell my boss to fuck off.
  • Chet: What? Are you joking? You wanna run a personal errand on a way to a bank robbery?!
  • Nick: You wanted to go to lunch!
  • Chet: Yeah! Because I’m hungry! I thought it would be nice to have one last burger before I’m incarcerated.
  • Nick: Chet, this is not a personal errand, alright? This is very important to me.
  • Chet: Oh, okay. And so this is your big moment, huh? Put in your two weeks notice at a pizza place?!
  • Nick: Yeah, man. Yeah, that’s pretty much it.
  • Chet: Whatever, now you’re just making me depressed. Let’s go. I’m gonna go take a piss there, that’s all.
  • Nick: Alright.
  • [after telling Chet he wants to speak to his boss, instead he parks his car at the pizza place and runs to meet with Kate]
  • Nick: Something happened to me last night. I was out on this run and uh…well I started thinking, what if this is the last shitty pizza I ever deliver.
  • Kate: I’d say it’s probably a good thing. Nick, I’m super busy right now. This is not the best time.
  • Nick: Okay, right now is kind of all I have.
  • Kate: Come back later and we’ll talk.
  • Nick: No, there isn’t time. Okay, can I tell you the single worst mistake of my life?
  • Kate: Okay.
  • Nick: It was sleeping with you.
  • Kate: Thanks!
  • Nick: No. No. You don’t understand. That…that’s when I knew for sure that I was in love with you. What I didn’t know is how the fuck to deal with it, so I…so I screwed it all up.
  • Kate: That was like, eight years ago.
  • Nick: I know. But I just want you to know that if today was the final day of my brief and uh… shitty existence and I could only see one more person, it would be you.
  • Kate: Nick.
  • Nick: I gotta go.
  • [as he’s about to leave]
  • Kate: Wait! Wait! Wait! You can’t just say all this and walk away!
  • Nick: Unfortunately I have to. Also I told Chet we had sex.
  • Kate: What the fuck?!
  • [talking to Dwayne on his cell phone after following Nick who’s talking to Kate on the roof of her apartment]
  • Travis: No, I don’t know. I think it’s his girlfriend or something. They’ve been up there for a while.
  • Dwayne: Bet you homeboy’s trying to get one last blow job in case he don’t make it. I like his style.
  • [leaving a voice message on for Juicy]
  • Dwayne: Yoh, Juicy. What’s happenin’? This is King Dwayne. I uh…have been thinking about you a lot and I don’t know, I just feel cool inside. I’m excited to get this money and me and you to kinda start our…our thing. I’ve been thinking a lot about the polishing the scepter deal. I know that’s not really for polishing the scepter, that you’re just sucking my dick, but uh…I just want you to know that it’s going to be mutual. You won’t just have to polish my scepter. I will also lick your crown, which is a euphemism for you know, eating your pussy. Okay, well give me a call when you get the chance. Okay, goodbye.
  • [outside the bank before they’re about to rob it]
  • Chet: I can’t believe we’re doing this.
  • Nick: Okay, you go for the money. I’ll cover the crowd. In and out.
  • Chet: I’m not feeling great, man. I drank like three of those five hour energy drinks and it’s too much energy! I’m like cramping up and all the energy in my arms are generating…
  • Nick: Dude! Settle down. You ready for this?
  • Chet: Yes.
  • Nick: Let’s do it. Come on.
  • Chet: What do I call there if I need to tell you something?
  • Nick: Uh…call me Tivon. You’ll be Darius.
  • Chet: I can tell you’re not a black guy through the mask.
  • Nick: Uh…right. You’re still Darius, I’m Luis.
  • Chet: What if we’re both Hispanic, like we met in a gang in prison?
  • Nick: I like that. I like that. We stabbed a prison guard and we escaped and now we’re on the run.
  • Chet: Yes! We’re two local motherfuckers and that’s how we gotta be when we role in there.
  • [as they are about to enter the bank]
  • Chet: Wait!
  • Nick: What?
  • Chet: I still don’t have my Hispanic name.
  • Nick: Oh, yeah. You’re Cruz.
  • Chet: That’s a great fucking name! Let’s do this!
  • [they put on their ski masks and open the bank door]
  • [as they’re holding up the bank]
  • Chet: Don’t make any sudden moves! Okay!
  • [one of the customers keeps his head up and looks at Chet]
  • Chet: Mustache, stop looking at my face! We just killed a prison guard and we’re not afraid to kill again!
  • [holding his fake gun at the security guard]
  • Nick: Yeah, we stabbed him in the eye with his spoon! Now very slowly, get down and take your gun out and toss it.
  • [the guard does what he says very slowly]
  • Nick: Come on! Quicker!
  • Security Guard: Alright.
  • [he takes out his gun, lays it on the ground and shoves it away, the gun slides right into the hands of a sobbing mom]
  • Mom: No! I…I don’t want this gun!
  • Nick: Did you do that on purpose?
  • Security Guard: No, it was an accident.
  • Chet: Are you guys working together? What’s going on here?
  • Mom: Please, take this gun away!
  • Nick: Just toss it, lady!
  • [she slides the gun away it slams hard against the wall and fires shooting a guy in the leg]
  • [after one of the customers in the bank has been accidentally shot in the leg by the sliding gun]
  • Big Guy: [in pain] Oh! I think she hit the femoral artery!
  • Mom: I’m so sorry! It was an accident!
  • Big Guy: Fuck you! Who slides a gun like that!?
  • [to Nick]
  • Chet: Dude, this guy just got shot in the leg and he’s bleeding everywhere and he’s gonna die and we’re gonna go to prison.
  • Nick: No! No! Luis and Cruz are never going back prison
  • Big Guy: Why isn’t anybody getting me help!
  • Nick: Sir, let me see where you’re hit.
  • [he looks at the guys wound]
  • Nick: It’s just a flesh wound, man. You’re gonna be okay.
  • [he turns to Chet who is staring at the wounded man’s leg]
  • Nick: Cruz, how are we doing on the money?
  • [Chet snaps back to attention]
  • Chet: Oh…uh…sorry, Luis. Um…
  • [turns his fake gun to the people on the ground]
  • Chet: Don’t make a sound!
  • [points his fake gun at one of the bank tellers lying on the ground]
  • Chet: You! What’s your name?
  • Sandra: Sandra.
  • Chet: Right. Sandra, if you get us a bag with a hundred thousand dollars, well grab it and get the fuck out of here and no one will get hurt. Can I trust you?
  • [she quickly nods her head]
  • Chet: Alright! Let’s go! Let’s go! Let’s get some money.
  • [she gets up to go to the bank vault]
  • Nick: Woh! Woh! Woh! Cruz, you’re breaking our rules.
  • [turning to Sandra]
  • Chet: Woh!! Not the vault! Not the vault! Stick to the tellers.
  • Nick: Right.
  • Sandra: I don’t have that much money at the counter. I have to go in the vault.
  • Chet: Fuck it! Go to the vault. Let’s go.
  • [as Sandra has filled up some bags with money and they turn to leave]
  • Nick: I’m sorry everybody! I know we probably fucked up your day.
  • [he looks at the wounded man]
  • Nick: I’m thinking of you in particular, sir. Actually, you know what…
  • [he goes to the wounded man and offers the bank bag]
  • Nick: Here, peel a few bills out. On me.
  • [turning to the other people lying on the ground]
  • Nick: Anybody rats this guy to the cops, I’m coming after you. I remember faces. Right, Cruz?
  • Chet: He remembers faces.
  • Nick: There you go, sir.
  • [the wounded man hesitantly reaches into the bag and as he takes out some bills a blue dye explodes all over his face]
  • Nick: Woh!
  • Big Guy: Fuck! What the hell?
  • [to Sandra]
  • Chet: What the fuck was that? What happened to our trust?
  • Sandra: I’m sorry! They make us do it!
  • Nick: Hey Sandra, we need you here. We all do. So would you kindly please fill another bag? And not a bank bag this time. A garbage bag. And Cruz, will you watch her.
  • [Sandra takes the garbage bag and starts feeling it with money from the vault]
  • Chet: Let’s go, Sandra. Come on! And don’t do anything this time. Go! Go! Fill it up. I’m watching you. We’re not friends no more. Give me the bag quickly!
  • [she gives him the bag]
  • Chet: Thanks, Sandra.
  • [as they are about the leave the bank with the money the alarm bell goes off]
  • Nick: Which one of you assholes hit the alarm?
  • Chet: Sandra, don’t tell me you did that too?
  • Sandra: No, it was Mark. He pushed the button when you guys came in.
  • [she points to one of the men lying on the floor]
  • Bank Manager: Shut up, bitch! Now they’re gonna kill both of us!
  • Sandra: Fuck you! You’re the manager!
  • Nick: No, fuck both of you! I am a regular guy and you fucked me. So thank you for fucking a regular guy!
  • [he walks backs towards the bank door and turns walks out]
  • Chet: And his partner Cruz!
  • [Chet follows Nick out the bank door]
  • [as soon as they walk out the bank door police car pulls up and cop gets out with his gun]
  • Cop Outside Bank: Drop your weapons!
  • Chet: Fuck!
  • Cop Outside Bank: Put your hands on your head!
  • [they put their hands on their heads]
  • Cop Outside Bank: Now slowly get your ass on the ground. Do it now!
  • Nick: Guess what?
  • [Nick opens his jacket to reveal the bomb vest]
  • Nick: You just brought a gun to a bomb fight, officer! I pull these wires out and we all go! So you got ten seconds to drop your weapon. One, two…
  • [the cop puts his gun the ground and turns to run]
  • Cop Outside Bank: Fuck this!
  • [he starts running away fast]
  • Chet: That was awesome.
  • Nick: He was tempting a desperate motherfucker.
  • [after getting away from the cops]
  • Nick: There’s a hundred grand in here. A hundred fucking grand, man! Which we stole from a bank.
  • Chet: I told a bunch of people I was gonna shoot ’em. I was like you fucking move, and I’ll kill you where you stand!’
  • Nick: I was ready to blow up a cop. But you never said ‘I will kill you where you stand.’
  • Chet: Yeah, I know. But shit did get pretty crazy.
  • [after getting away from the cops]
  • Nick: There’s a hundred grand in here. A hundred fucking grand, man! Which we stole from a bank.
  • Chet: I told a bunch of people I was gonna shoot ’em. I was like you fucking move, and I’ll kill you where you stand!’
  • Nick: I was ready to blow up a cop. But you never said ‘I will kill you where you stand.’
  • Chet: Yeah, I know. But shit did get pretty crazy.
  • Nick: And there is no one I would have rather taken down a fucking bank with. I mean that.
  • Chet: Me neither.
  • Nick: And as for all that shit I said, and that shit I did, I just hope you can forgive me. I’m sorry I’ve been such a dick. I don’t think there’s anybody else I can be friends with.
  • Chet: Come on! You’re talking to a guy who slept with his best friend’s ex-girlfriend, split up his parents’ marriage and sat on the sidelines and watched ’em go through a downward spiral. I mean those are the actions of a shitty human being. I don’t know who else would be best friends with me.
  • Nick: Well then it’s a good fucking thing that we know each other. Come here.
  • [he steps closer to hug Chet]
  • Chet: Woh! Woh! Woh! You still have a bomb strapped to your vest.
  • Nick: Yeah. Let’s take care of that. But you owe me a hug.
  • Chet: Sure.
  • [Nick calls Dwayne to tell him he has the money]
  • Dwayne: Is this who I think it is?
  • Nick: Can’t you hear the ticking in the background?
  • Dwayne: Ah, funny guy, huh? Well, can it. This shit ain’t over yet. Save the fucking routine. There’s an old rail road bridge out on Commerce, past the highway. Be there in twenty.
  • Nick: I’ll be there ten.
  • Dwayne: Well then you’ll be standing there with your dick in one hand and my money in the other.
  • Nick: No, you will.
  • [Dwayne hangs up]
  • Nick: Hello…? He heard it.
  • Dwayne: I’m not ashamed to admit, Travis. I’ve had some dark times these last few years. Depression, anorexia, addiction and all kinds of shit that I’m not gonna even go into. Starting today all that shit’s the past. I’ve finally fucking done it, man. I finally pulled it off.
  • Travis: Yeah, man. We did, dude. Together, you and me. We make a pretty good team.
  • Dwayne: Do we?
  • Travis: Yeah, dude.
  • Dwayne: Yeah? Alright then. Would you do it?
  • [he puts his cell phone on the table and slides it over to Travis]
  • Dwayne: Would you push the button?
  • Travis: Why would you want me to do that?
  • Dwayne: It’s just a question, Travis.
  • Travis: I thought you said that nobody gets hurt, Dwayne.
  • Dwayne: He hasn’t even made the drop anyway. So I wouldn’t ask you to blow him right now, that would be stupid. Eat your taco’s. I gotta take a shit, dude. Wooh!
  • [Chango arrives at the pick up point to pick up the money from Nick]
  • Chango: You got the money?
  • Nick: Yes.
  • [he hands over the garbage bag with the money]
  • Chango: Oh, my God! It’s so pretty! It’s so pretty, bro!
  • Nick: Yes.
  • Chango: Look at it! Oh, my God! What did you do, rob a bank?
  • Nick: Yeah.
  • Chango: You did?
  • Nick: Yeah.
  • Chango: Alright. That’s cool, man. I’m proud of you, bro. Check you later.
  • [he turns to leave]
  • Nick: Wait. Hey, man. Yoh! Where’s the code?
  • Chango: I don’t know no code. What you talkin’ about? What code?
  • Nick: Come on, man. Just give me the code, okay?
  • Chango: Like Da Vinci Code? Like Code Red? Like the Contra Code? Like up-down, up-down, select, select, a-b, a-b, left-right, left-right? That one?
  • Nick: Okay! Yoh, dude! Come on! Stop messing with me! Just give me the fucking code, okay?
  • Chango: No, I don’t have no code , bro.
  • [he unzips his jacket to reveal the bomb vest]
  • Nick: Give me the fucking code to the bomb, okay!
  • Chango: Who brings a fucking bomb to a drop, homey?
  • Nick: I don’t know! Your fucking boss put this on me!
  • Chango: I am my boss!
  • Nick: Good, then give me the code.
  • [Chango pulls his gun on Nick]
  • Chango: Say code again, motherfucker. Please. Say it one more time, one more time. Say it, say it, say it.
  • Nick: No.
  • Chango: I’ll just shoot you in the face! I’ll shoot you in the face so that you don’t explode and mess up my shit. Say code one more time. Just say, I just want to hear it.
  • Nick: I want the money back.
  • Chango: Oh, you want this money right here?
  • Nick: Yes.
  • Chango: This motherfucking money, right here? The money that you just gave to me, huh?
  • Nick: Yes! Give me the money back.
  • Chango: Yeah, the only way you’re gonna get it is if you kill to me, homey. Which you ain’t gonna do. Cause you’re a pussy.
  • Nick: Come on! Come on, man! You don’t know what I’ve been through for that money!
  • [Chango hold up his gun at Nick again]
  • Chango: Do I fucking look sympathetic, homey? Now step the fuck aside. Now!
  • [suddenly Chet comes up behind Chango and hits him in the arm]
  • [after getting away from Chango Nick calls Dwayne]
  • Dwayne: So did you drop the money?
  • Nick: No, I still have the money. We cracked your friends face open!
  • Dwayne: Why the fuck would you do that?
  • Nick: You lied! You said I’d get the code.
  • Dwayne: Uh…he did not give you the code? I gave him the code.
  • Nick: You didn’t give him shit! I want the code right now or you’ll never see this money!
  • Dwayne: Just settle down, big boy. Alright? You’re not exactly negotiating from a point of leverage here.
  • Nick: I’m holding the money, okay? I blow up and it blows up. So where’s the leverage now? Why don’t you go ahead and press the button, okay?
  • [to Nick as he’s talking on the phone to Dwayne]
  • Chet: No! What are you doing?
  • Nick: Press the button, asshole! Push it!
  • Chet: No! No! Don’t tell him to push the button while you’re driving the car!
  • Nick: Push it!
  • Dwayne: You should watch what the fuck you’re saying. I own you, alright? I tell you to rob a bank, you rob a fucking bank. If I tell you to give me the money, you give me the God damn money and you hope that I give you mercy.
  • Nick: I’m tired of this bullshit. I’m already dead, right? So fuck you! At least I’ll die rich. I can’t say the same for you.
  • [Nick hangs up the phone]
  • Chet: Get me out of the car! Pull over and let me get out of the car right now!
  • Travis: Dwayne, you never told me you weren’t gonna give him the code.
  • Dwayne: Well, we’re not amateurs, Travis. Alright? He’s a fucking loose end, man. I mean, do you know what happens if you let a loose end go away? I could just be sitting in my fucking mansion, dude, and all of a sudden the FBI, the CIA, the fucking NASA, they’ll all converge there because he’s turned into evidence. And they could fucking lock me away! You know what? Fuck that. Fuck it. I’ll just kill the Major myself. I don’t need a fucking hit man.
  • Travis: Don’t do it, man!
  • Dwayne: I’m going to fucking smoke him. I gave him chances and he fucking blew it. He fucking wants to be an asshole, wants to be a fucking big man, he’s gonna fucking die now.
  • Travis: Dwayne, don’t! Just seriously don’t!
  • Dwayne: Three, two, one.
  • [Dwayne keys in the speed dial code to blow up Nick’s vest]
  • Travis: Boom. Just killed somebody.
  • [suddenly a recorded voice comes on Dwayne’s phone]
  • Recorded Male Voice: Hello and welcome to Movie Phone.
  • Dwayne: Why the fuck was that Movie Phone?
  • Travis: It’s in my head, man. Alright? I switched it out when you were taking a shit at Taco Boy, alright? You’re out of control, Dwayne.
  • Dwayne: I’m out of control?
  • Travis: Yeah.
  • Dwayne: I’m in prefect fucking control!
  • [he suddenly charges towards Travis and starts hitting him]
  • [after Dwayne has gotten off the phone with Chango who’s told him he’s going to kill him now]
  • Travis: What did he say? Are we good?
  • Dwayne: He says he’s gonna kill me. The fucking assassin is now going to kill me.
  • Travis: Oh, shit! Are you serious?
  • Dwayne: He’s gonna fucking shoot me now. I’m gonna die. Game over!
  • Travis: Hey, come on, man. Don’t say that, Dwayne. We’re gonna get the money just like we planned. Okay? We just have to get the leverage back.
  • Dwayne: How do we do that?
  • Travis: We hit that pizza fuck where it hurts.
  • Dwayne: What, in his dick?
  • Travis: No. In his pussy.
  • Dwayne: Oh!
  • Chet: Maybe I should just become a bank robber. I was pretty good at it. Teachers don’t make shit. Bank robbers make bank.
  • [Nick meets Dwayne in the scrap yard who wearing the gorilla mask again]
  • Nick: I got the cash. So give me the code and Kate.
  • Dwayne: Or maybe we can just chill out. Wait for money shot.
  • Nick: That’s very funny. Now give me the fucking code.
  • Dwayne: Fine. Sixty nine, sixty nine, sixty nine.
  • Nick: You gotta be fucking kidding me!
  • Dwayne: Oh, man, don’t judge me. It’s my favorite sexual position.
  • [after Nick’s been freed from the bomb vest and he’s exchanged the money for getting Kate back]
  • Nick: You know, I actually I have the sneaking suspicion that once we turn you’re gonna put a bullet in both of our backs and uh…this is just a guess, he’s gonna burn our bodies.
  • Dwayne: Well they say great minds think alike. I guess in this case so do we.
  • Nick: No, I know. I figured that. That’s…that’s why I have a gun pointed at you too. Yeah, I got a sniper and he’s locked on you right now. His name is Cruz and he’s a local motherfucker. Hey, Cruz!
  • [a red dot appears on Dwayne gorilla mask forehead]
  • Dwayne: Yeah, right. Bullshit.
  • [we see Chet hiding in behind some scrap aiming his laser pointer at Dwayne’s forehead]
  • Dwayne: How dumb do I look? Nice try. Yeah, a sniper.
  • [Travis takes off his gorilla mask]30-minutes-or-less-8
  • Travis: Holy shit, Dwayne! On your forehead.
  • Dwayne: What?
  • Travis: There’s a red dot on your forehead, dude. You look like one of her people.
  • Dwayne: There’s a what?
  • [Dwayne takes off his mask and looks down to see the red dot on his chest now]
  • Travis: Shit!
  • Dwayne: Oh, you son of a bitch!
  • [last lines; after they get away from Dwayne and Travis and Dwayne chases them in his van but his van suddenly explodes]
  • Kate: Why did that van just explode?
  • Nick: Remember that bomb I was telling you about? I kind of typed in the code, reactivated it and put it in the back of that guy’s van.
  • Chet: What? That’s some John McClane shit. Yes!
  • Kate: How did you remember the code?
  • Nick: It was uh…it doesn’t…it doesn’t matter. Anyway, we are alive and we are rich.
  • Chet: This money is going to change my life. First off, Grand Rapids Elementary, fuck you kids! I’m done! Okay? I’m gonna do all the stuff I’ve wanted to do, you know? Like travel the world, spend a little time in Italy. Maybe summer in France.
  • [as he flips the bills the blue dye explodes in his face]
  • Chet: Aahh!! Sandra!!