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Touchstone Pictures' 10 Things I Hate About You - iTunes Movie Poster

EXT. PADUA HIGH SCHOOL - DAY

          

Welcome to Padua High, your typical upper-middle-class high school in

Seattle, Washington.


EXT. PADUA HIGH SCHOOL, THE STREET OUTSIDE - DAY


Two cookie-cutter-cute girls sing along in their car to a bit of popular

fluff music.


KAT STRATFORD, eighteen, pretty -- but trying hard not to be (and failing)

-- pulls her rundown car up next to theirs and scowls with indignation at

their choice of music.


          

EXT. PADUA HIGH SCHOOL, FRONT STEPS- DAY

          

Kat hurries toward the front door of what appears to be the Wayne Manor version

of an ordinary high school. She approaches another cookie-cutter-cutie pasting

an advert for prom on the wall, and tears it down in passing.


PROM POSTER GIRL

Hey!


          

INT. GUIDANCE COUNSELOR'S OFFICE - DAY

          

CAMERON JAMES, a clean-cut, easy-going new kid at school with an optimistic,

innocent face, sits facing MISS PERKY, a conservative spinster stereotype

turned on its head. She’s in the middle of composing some racy

lines from her pulp romance-novel-in-progress on her laptop.

          

MISS PERKY

So, Cameron. Here you go. (reviews his transcript)

9 schools in 10 years, my my... Army brat?


CAMERON

Yeah. My dad’s a...


MISS PERKY

That’s enough.

I'm sure you won't find Padua any

different than your old school. Same

little asswipe shit-for-brains

everywhere.

          

CAMERON

Excuse me. Did you just say... Am I in

the right office?


MISS PERKY

Not anymore you’re not. I’ve got deviants to see

and a novel to finish. Now scoot. Scoot!


CAMERON

Okay. Thanks.

          

Cameron rises to leave and passes PATRICK VERONA, a smug, longhaired

Australian, who’s on his way in.

          

Miss Perky looks down at her file and up at Patrick

          

MISS PERKY

(continuing)

Patrick Verona. I see we're making our

visits a weekly ritual.

          

She gives him a disapproving glance. He answers with a charming

smile.

          

PATRICK

Only so we can have these moments together.

Should I, uh, get the lights?


MISS PERKY

Oh very clever, kangaroo boy. Says here you exposed yourself

in the cafeteria?

          

PATRICK

I was joking with the lunch lady. It was a bratwurst.

          

MISS PERKY

Bratwurst?

(glances at his loins suspiciously)

Aren’t we the optimist? Next time keep it in your

pouch, okay? Scoot!


After he leaves, she goes back to writing her novel, adding the word

“bratwurst” to the sentence she's working on.

          


INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY - DAY


MICHAEL ECKMAN, a typical, overachieving, brainy senior with a young

republican’s sense of style, introduces himself to Cameron among the

bustle of the hall.

          

MICHAEL

Michael Eckman. I’m supposed to show you around.

          

CAMERON

Oh hi.

(seems relieved)

Thank God! You know, normally

they send down one of those audio/video geeks.

          

MICHAEL

(flustered)

You know, I do. I know what you mean, yeah.


An audio/video geek pushing a cart full of film equipment rolls along

side them.


A/V GEEK

Hey Michael, where should I put those slides?

          

MICHAEL

(brushes off the A/V Geek)

Michael?!

(Turns back to Cameron)

So, uh,

(checks a piece of paper)

...Cameron. Here’s the breakdown:

          

They begin to walk down the hallway.


MICHAEL

(Continuing)

Over there you’ve got your basic beautiful people.

Now listen. Unless they talk to you first, don’t bother.

          

CAMERON

But wait. Is that your rule or theirs?

          

MICHAEL

Watch.

(To an ironically not very good looking jock as they pass)

Hey there.


JOCK

Geek.

          

MICHAEL

(To Cameron)

See that?


The Jock and his friends glare as if offended as the two walk away.



EXT. SCHOOL COURTYARD - DAY


Groups of students stand around. Michael and Cameron continue their walk.

          


MICHAEL

(Continuing)

To the left we have the coffee kids.


COFFEE KID 1

Whoa!

(spills his coffee)


COFFEE KID 2

That was Costa Rican, butthead!

          

MICHAEL

Very edgy. Don’t make any sudden moves around them.


They step down and pass a table full of white boys with dreadlocks and

prerequisite Jamaican berets.

          

MICHAEL

And these delusionals are the White Rasta.

Uh, they’re big Marley fans. They think they're black.

Semi-political, but mostly...


CAMERON

Smoke a lot of weed?


MICHAEL

Yeah.


They now approach a few kids dressed as urban cowboys.


MICHAEL

(continuing)

These guys...


CAMERON

Wait wait. Let me guess. Cowboys?


MICHAEL

Yeah but, the closest they’ve come to a cow is

Macdonald’s.

(laughs at his own lame joke)

Hah hah...Macdonalds!

          

They approach a group of studious-looking teens who are bent over

textbooks at a table.

          

MICHAEL

These are your future MBAs- We're all Ivy League accepted.

Yuppie greed is back, my friend.

(to the group)

Hey guys. How ya doin’?


One of them looks annoyed and mutters something about “Bogie”. It is, in fact

BOGIE LEVENSTEIN himself, leader of the academic geeks. Why does he mutter his

own name? Maybe he just likes to speak in the third person...

          

MICHAEL

(continuing as they walk away)

Yesterday I was their god.


CAMERON

What happened?


MICHAEL

Bogie Levenstein started a rumor that I...that I buy

my Izods at an outlet mall.


CAMERON

So they kicked you out?


MICHAEL

Hostile takeover. But don’t worry. They’ll pay.

Now over here...


CAMERON

(Suddenly distracted)

Oh my god!


BIANCA, a young cream puff of a blonde girl, walks by in slow motion.

Cameron is in deep smit.


CAMERON

(Continues)

What group is she in?


MICHAEL

The “don’t even think about it” group.

That’s Bianca Stratford. A sophomore.


CAMERON

I burn! I pine! I perish!

          

MICHAEL

Of course you do. You know, she’s beautiful and deep. Pure.

          

Bianca walks with her friend, CHASTITY, a cute and seemingly less loquacious

version of herself.


BIANCA

Yup, see, there’s a difference between “like”

and “love”. Because I like my Sketchers, but I love my Prada

backpack.


BIANCA’S FRIEND

But I love my Sketchers.


BIANCA

That’s because you don’t have a Prada backpack.


BIANCA’S FRIEND

(Enamored of Bianca’s wisdom)

Ohhh!

          

MICHAEL

(To Cameron)

Listen. Forget her. Incredibly uptight father,

and it’s a widely known fact that the Stratford sisters aren’t

allowed to date.

          

CAMERON

Uh huh...yeah. [What if?]

         

          

INT. ENGLISH CLASS - DAY

          

A room full of bored seniors doodle and stare off into space.

MR. MORGAN, an educated, no-nonsense man in his early thirties

presides.

          

MR. MORGAN

Okay then. What did everyone think of The Sun Also Rises?

          

A girl raises her hand and offers her appraisal.


ROMANTIC GIRL

I loved it.

(She sighs)

It was sooo romantic.


Kat, the girl we saw as we entered the school, is wearing a camo top in

preparation for her daily war against high school ignorance.

       

KAT

(disgusted)

Romantic? Hemingway?! He was an abusive alcoholic

misogynist who squandered half his life hanging around Picasso

trying to nail his leftovers.

          

The other students roll their eyes.

          

JOEY DONNER, a slicked-back knock-off of Slater from Saved By The Bell

makes fun of her from his row.

          

JOEY

As opposed to a bitter self-righteous

hag who has no friends?

          

A few giggles. Kat fumes from her seat without looking back.

          

MR. MORGAN

Pipe down, Chachie.

          

KAT

I guess in this society being male and an asshole

makes you worthy of our time.

What about Sylvia Platt or Charlotte Bronte or

Simone de Beauvoir?

          

Patrick suddenly steps into the classroom, late.

          

PATRICK

What’d I miss?

          

KAT

The oppressive patriarchal values that dictate our education.


PATRICK

Good.

(immediately turns and leaves)


MR. MORGAN

(Shouting after him)

Hey, hey!


JOEY

Uh, Mr. Morgan. Is there any chance we could get Kat to

take her Mydol before she comes to class?


More snickers from the class.


MR. MORGAN

Some day you’re gonna get bitch-slapped and I’m not gonna do

a thing to stop it. And Kat. I want to thank you for your

point of view.


She smiles to herself, her social indignation justified.


MR. MORGAN

(continuing)

I know how difficult it must be for you to overcome all those

years of upper middle class suburban oppression. It must be tough.


She deflates and becomes bitter again.


MR. MORGAN

(continuing)

But the next time you storm around the PTA crusading for better

lunch meat, or whatever it is you white girls complain about,

ask them why they can’t buy a book written by a black man!


Two of the White Rasta kids from earlier take up his cry of inequality.


WHITE RASTA CHORUS

That’s right mon!


MR. MORGAN

Don’t even get me started on you two!


They grumble apologetically and quickly shut up.

Kat is fuming again.


KAT

Anything else?


MR. MORGAN

Yeah. Go to the office. You’re pissing me off.


KAT

What?! Mr. Morgan!


MR. MORGAN

Later!


Kat gets up in a tiff and on her way out hits Joey in the face with her books.



INT. GUIDANCE COUNSELOR'S OFFICE - DAY

          

Miss Perky sits in front of her laptop, composing her sleazy novel.

          

MISS PERKY

Undulating with desire, Adrienne removes her crimson cape...

...excitable, stiff and...

(frustrated, calls to attendant)

Judith!

          

Judith appears at the door.


MISS PERKY

What’s another word for...engorged?


JUDITH

I’ll look it up.


MISS PERKY

Okay.

(returns to composing)


Kat approaches the office and overhears Miss Perky searching for the

right word.


MISS PERKY

(continuing)

...swollen...turgid...


KAT

Tumescent?


MISS PERKY

Perfect! So I hear you were terrorizing Mr. Morgan‘s class.

Again.

          

KAT

Expressing my opinion is not a

terrorist action.

          

MISS PERKY

The way you expressed your opinion to Bobby Ridgeway?

By the way, his testicle retrieval operation

went quite well, in case you're

interested.

          

KAT

I still maintain that he kicked himself

in the balls.

          

MISS PERKY

The point is Kat...


She suddenly makes the connection between Kat’s name and the picture

of a cat on her coffee mug. She finds it amusing and points to the mug.


MISS PERKY

Cat!

(She giggles, then turns back to Kat)

People perceive you as somewhat ...

          

KAT

Tempestuous?

          

MISS PERKY

"Heinous bitch" is the term used most often.

          

Kat is unflattered.

          

MISS PERKY

(continuing)

You might want to work on that. Thank you.

          

Kat rises from her chair.

          

KAT

(sarcastic)

As always, thank you for your excellent

guidance. I’ll let you get back to Reginald’s

quivering member.


Kat leaves the office.


MISS PERKY

(to herself)

Quivering member... I like that.



EXT. SCHOOL COURTYARD - DAY


Joey and his COHORT, a tough-looking kid, are standing around people

watching. His Cohort notices Bianca and Chastity entering the courtyard

and calls Joey’s attention to Bianca.


COHORT

Virgin alert. [Favorite].


Joey turns to look at Bianca. The girls pass by, noticing Joey.


JOEY

Looking good, ladies.


COHORT

They’re outta reach, even for you.


JOEY

No one’s out of reach for me.


COHORT

You wanna put money on that?


JOEY

Money I’ve got. This I’m going to do for fun.


Across the way, Cameron and Michael have been watching Bianca and Cameron

notices Joey’s admiration.


CAMERON

Who’s that guy?


MICHAEL

It’s Joey Donner. He’s a jerkoff. And a model.


CAMERON

He’s a model?


MICHAEL

A model. Mostly regional stuff. But he’s rumored to have

a tube sock ad coming out.


CAMERON

Really?


MICHAEL

Really.


They have a laugh at Joey’s expense. Cameron turns back to watching Bianca.


CAMERON

Man, look at her.


MICHAEL

(not impressed)

Is she always so...vapid?


CAMERON

How can you say that? She’s totally...


MICHAEL

Conceited?


CAMERON

What are you talking about? There’s more to her than you think.

I mean, look... look at the way she smiles.

And look at her eyes, man. She’s totally pure. I mean,

you’re missing what’s there.


MICHAEL

(unconvinced)

No, Cameron. No.

What’s there is a snotty little Princess wearing a strategically

planned sun dress to make guys like us realize we can never touch

her, and guys like, uh...


He looks around and notices Joey making his way toward the girls.


MICHAEL

(continuing)

...Joey, realize they want to.

She, my friend, is what we’ll spend the rest of our lives

not having. Put her in the Spank Bank. Move on.


CAMERON

No.


MICHAEL

Move on.


CAMERON

No!

You’re wrong about her. I mean, you know, uh,

not about the spanking part. But the rest. You’re wrong.


MICHAEL

Alright. I’m wrong? You wanna take a shot? Be my guest.

She’s actually looking for a French tutor.


CAMERON

Are you serious? That’s perfect!


MICHAEL

Do you speak French?


CAMERON

Well no. But I will.


          

          

EXT. SCHOOL PARKING LOT - DAY

          

Kat and MANDELLA, her best friend--beautiful and attired in quasi-Renaissance

clothes--walk toward Kat's car. Joey pulls up

beside them in his red sports car.

          

JOEY

(referring to Kat‘s camouflage top)

Hey. Your little Rambo look is out, Kat.

Didn’t you read last month’s Cosmo?

          

KAT

(barely notices him)

Run along.


She and Mandella continue walking.

Further along, Bianca and Chastity are walking, embroiled in meaningful

conversation.


CHASTITY

I know you can be overwhelmed.

You can be underwhelmed.

But can you ever just be whelmed?


BIANCA

I think you can in Europe.


Joey pulls up alongside them.


JOEY

Hi ladies. Would you sweet young things

like a ride?


They look at each other and immediately hop in, climbing over his

upholstery.


JOEY

Careful on the leather.


Across the lot, Kat and Mandella watch this display from inside Kat’s

clunker.


MANDELLA

(sarcastic)

That’s a charming new development.

          

KAT

It’s disgusting.


Meanwhile, Michael has mounted an old motorcycle equipped with a plastic

dork basket on the handles. He jets a bit out of control and kills the engine

in front of Kat’s car. Pissed off, she shouts out the window.


KAT

Remove head from sphincter, then drive!


Michael regains control and pulls out of the way to where Cameron has

been watching.

          

CAMERON

You all right?

          

MICHAEL

Yeah, yeah. Just a minor encounter with the

shrew. Your girlfriend’s sister.

          

CAMERON

What? That's Bianca's sister?

          

MICHAEL

Mmm hmm. The mewling, rampalian wretch herself.

Stay cool, bro.


He jets off once again, risks another near collision, and ends up

flying right off the road and sliding halfway down a grassy hill.

Recovering his composure, he realizes half the school is watching

from the top of the hill. He raises his hands in the air and

gives a victory yell, drawing cheers from the crowd.



INT. STRATFORD HOUSE - DAY

                    

WALTER STRATFORD, Kat and Bianca’s overly-protective father--an

obstetrician--enters through the front door rifling through the mail.

          

WALTER

(to Kat)

Hello Katarina. Make anyone cry today?

          

KAT

Sadly, no. But it's only four-thirty.


Walter smiles proudly as Bianca walks in and kisses him on the cheek.

          

BIANCA

Hi Daddy.


WALTER

Hello, precious.


KAT

And where've you been?


BIANCA

(gives Kat a sour look)

Nowhere.

          

Walter, who hasn’t raised his eyes from the mail, is inspecting a letter.

          

WALTER

What's this? It says Sarah Lawrence?

          

Kat snatches it away from him and runs across the room in a flurry of

excitement, tearing it open and reading the contents silently.

          

KAT

I got in! I got in!

                    

WALTER

Uh, honey that’s great. But isn’t Sarah Lawrence on the

other side of the country?

          

KAT

Thus the basis of its appeal.

          

WALTER

Yeah. I thought we decided you were gonna stay here and

go to U Dub like me. Be a husky.


He makes some inspiring growling noises.

          

KAT

No, you decided.


WALTER

Oh okay. So you just pick up and leave, is that it?


BIANCA

(brimming at the idea)

Let’s hope so.

          

Kat gives Bianca a spiteful look then smiles sweetly.

          

KAT

Ask Bianca who drove her home.

          

WALTER

Kat, don’t change the...drove?

(to Bianca)

Who drove you home?

          

Bianca glares at Kat then turns to Walter

          

BIANCA

Now don't get upset, daddy, but there's

this boy...


KAT

Who’s a flaming imbecile.


WALTER

Please...


BIANCA

(continuing)

and I think he might ask me...

          

WALTER

Please. I think I know what he’s going to ask you.

And I think I know the answer: No. It’s always no.

What are the house rules? #1: no dating till you graduate.

  1. 2: no dating till you graduate. That’s it.


BIANCA

Daddy, that’s so unfair.


WALTER

Alright. You wanna know what’s unfair?

(to Kat)

This is for you too.

(continues)

This morning I delivered a set of twins to

a 15 year old girl. Do you know what she said to me?


BIANCA

I’m a crack-whore who should have made my sleazy

boyfriend wear a condom?


Walter pauses and thinks for a moment.


WALTER

Close. But no. She said: I should have listened

to my father.


BIANCA

She did not.


WALTER

Well, that’s what she would’ve said if she wasn’t

so doped up.


BIANCA

Can we focus on me for a second please? I am

the only girl in school who’s not dating.


WALTER

Oh no you’re not. Your sister doesn’t date.


KAT

And I don’t intend to.


WALTER

And why is that again?


Walter is pleased and points to Bianca, expecting Kat to justify him.


KAT

Have you seen the unwashed miscreants that go to that school?


BIANCA

Where did you come from? Planet Loser?


KAT

As opposed to planet “look at me! look at me!”?


WALTER

Okay, here’s how we solve this one. Old rule out.

New rule: Bianca can date...


Bianca lights up and Kat looks upset.


WALTER

(continuing)

...when she does.

(points at Kat)

          

BIANCA

But she's a mutant! What if she never dates?

          

WALTER

(very pleased with his new rule)

Then you‘ll never date. Oh, I like that. And I'll get to

sleep at night. The deep slumber of a father who’s

daughters aren’t out being impregnated.


His beeper goes off and he heads for the door. Kat heads for the

stairs.


WALTER

(to Kat)

We’ll talk about Sarah Lawrence later.


KAT

Fine.

          

BIANCA

Wait! Daddy!


WALTER

I gotta go.


He leaves.

          

BIANCA

Can’t you find [a sad enough] retard to take you

to the movies so I can have just one date?


KAT

I’m sorry. Looks like you’ll just have to miss out

on the witty repartee of Joey “eat me” Donner.


BIANCA

You suck.


KAT

(imitating Bianca)

You suck.


          

INT. TUTORING ROOM - DAY

          

Cameron sits at a table prepping for the French lesson he has scheduled

with Bianca. Bianca arrives and plops down across from him.

          

BIANCA

Can we make this quick? Roxanne,

Korrine and Andrew Barrett are having an

incredibly horrendous public break- up

on the quad. Again.

          

CAMERON

Oh, yeah, um, okay. I thought we'd start with

pronunciation, if that's alright with you.

          

BIANCA

Not the hacking and gagging and spitting part. Please.

          

CAMERON

Well, there is an alternative.

French food. We could eat some together. Saturday night?

          

BIANCA

You're asking me out? That's so cute.

What's your name again?

          

CAMERON

Cameron. Listen. I know that your dad doesn’t let you

date. But I thought that if it was for French class it...

          

BIANCA

Oh, wait a minute. Curtis...

          

CAMERON

Cameron.

          

BIANCA

My dad just came up with a new rule. I can date

when my sister does.


CAMERON

You’re kidding! Well let me ask you, do you like sailing?

‘Cause I read about this place that rents out boats...


BIANCA

A beaucoup problemo, Calvin. In case you haven’t heard,

my sister’s a particularly hideous breed of

loser.

       

CAMERON

Yeah yeah. I noticed she’s a little anti-social.

Why is that?


BIANCA

Unsolved mystery. She used to be

really popular, and then it was like...she got

sick of it. Or something. There is a [bet] as

to why, but I’m pretty sure she’s just incapable

of human interaction. Plus, she’s a bitch.

          

CAMERON

Well yeah, but I’m sure, you know, that there’s lots of

guys who wouldn’t mind going out with a...difficult woman.

I mean, you know, people jump out of airplanes, ski off

cliffs. It would be like extreme dating.


BIANCA

You think you could find someone that extreme?


CAMERON

Yeah sure, why not?

          

She reaches out and touches his arm

          

BIANCA

Would you do that, for me?

          

CAMERON

Oh yes! I mean, you know, I could look into it.

          


EXT. A STAIRWELL ON CAMPUS - DAY


Michael leads Cameron down a set of concrete steps to a secret gathering

of dating candidates for Kat.


MICHAEL

Now, I have gathered a group of guys. Couldn’t be more

perfect. Padua’s finest.


They enter a dank room, wherein waits a very motly crew of the most

unlikely specimens one would expect. Cameron shoots Michael an

unsatsfied grimace.


CAMERON

Hi. How ya doin’? Would any of you be interested

in dating Katarina Stratford?


What follows is a truncated interview process, where each candidate

in turn sits in the interview chair and gives his response.


CANDIDATE 1

(laughs histerically)


CANDIDATE 2

(stares blankly)


CANDIDATE 3

Ho, I’ve never been that ripped.


CANDIDATE 4

Maybe if we were the last 2 people alive, and

there were no sheep... Are there sheep?



          

INT. BIOLOGY CLASS - DAY

          

Several dissection charts of frog anatomy hang on the walls.

The class is busy dissecting frogs. Michael and Cameron, naturally,

are lab partners. Patrick and his punk rock friend, SCURVY, are

hacking away at their own specimen behind them.

          

MICHAEL

Did I, or did I not, tell you it was pointless? No

one will go out with her.

          

Patrick pulls out a butterfly knife and impales his frog violently

with it. Cameron has noticed the display.

          

CAMERON

Hey, what about him?

          

MICHAEL

Him? No no. Don’t look at him, okay?

He's a criminal. I heard

he lit a state trooper on fire. He just

did a year in San Quentin.

          

CAMERON

Yeah, well, then at least he’s horny.

          

MICHAEL

I'm serious, man, he's whacked. He

sold his own liver on the black market

for a new set of speakers.

          

Patrick has taken out a cigarette, but just as he lights

it on the Bunsen burner, Scurvy seizes it and snuffs it out.

Frustrated, Patrick plays with the Bunsen burner instead.


CAMERON

He’s our guy.


Patrick notices them watching him and they quickly turn away.


          

          

INT. WOODSHOP - DAY

          

Boys and a few stray girls nail their pieces of wood. Cameron

and Michael enter, and Cameron approaches Patrick optimistically.

          

CAMERON

Hi. How ya doin’? Listen, I...

          

In response, Patrick brandishes a loud power tool and drills

a hole in the middle of Cameron’s beloved French book.

          

CAMERON

(continuing)

Okay... later then.

          


INT. A HALLWAY - DAY


Michael is staring through the new window in Cameron’s French book.


MICHAEL

How do we get him to date Kat?


CAMERON

I don’t know. I mean, uh, we could pay him.

But we don’t have any money.


MICHAEL

Yeah, well, what we need is a backer.


CAMERON

What’s that?


MICHAEL

Someone with money who’s stupid.


They both look pensive.


          

INT. CAFETERIA - DAY

          

Joey and his pals sit at a table while Joey draws a pair of boobs

on a cafeteria tray with a magic marker.


JOEY

Oh yeah!

          

Michael walks up and sits at the table, casual as can be.

          

MICHAEL

Is that a peach Fruit Roll-Up? ‘Cause you

don’t see many...


Joey’s friend grabs his wrist as he reaches for the Roll-Up.


MICHAEL

(continues)

...oh, okay. Yeah, Alright.


His wrist is released as he withdraws his hand.

          

JOEY

Are you lost?

          

MICHAEL

No, actually, I just came by to chat.

          

JOEY

We don't chat.

          

MICHAEL

Well, actually, I thought that I'd run an

idea by you. Just to see if you're interested.

          

JOEY

I’m not.

          

MICHAEL

Well, hear me out. Now...


Joey grabs Michael by the side of the head and proceeds to

draw a penis on his cheek with the magic marker. Michael

suffers the indignity and speaks undaunted.

          

MICHAEL

(continues)

...you want Bianca, right?

But she can't go out with you because

her sister is this insane head case and

no one will go out with her, right?

          

JOEY

Does this conversation have a purpose?

          

MICHAEL

What I think you need to do is, you need to hire

a guy who'll go out with her. Someone who

doesn’t scare so easy.

          

Michael points to Patrick, who sits with Scurvy. Patrick spits

a stone from a piece of fruit at his tray.

          

JOEY

          

That guy? I heard he ate a live duck once.

          

MICHAEL

Everything but the beak and the feet.

Clearly he’s a solid investment.


          

Joey turns to look at Michael.

          

JOEY

          

What's in it for you?

          

MICHAEL

Hey. I’m walkin’ down the hall and say hello

to you. You say hello to me.


JOEY

Yeah yeah. I get it. You’re cool by association.

I’ll think about it.


Michael looks pleased and bobs his head as if grooving to music.


JOEY

(continuing)

We’re done now.


MICHAEL

Yeah.


He gets up and walks to the back of the room where Cameron waits

anxiously.

          

CAMERON

(upset)

What are you doing getting him involved?


MICHAEL

Relax now, relax. We let him pretend he’s

calling the shots. While he’s setting things

up, you have time with Bianca.


CAMERON

That is a good idea.


Cameron leaves.


          

EXT. A HILL OVERLOOKING THE STADIUM - DAY


Bogie Levenstein has gathered his club of future yuppies for

a golf lesson.


BOGIE

Now remember guys. Grip it, and rip it.


He hits the golf ball down into the stadium field, where it is

collected by a kid holding a basket of balls.

The field is filled with students exercising. The women’s soccer

team is practicing.

Joey makes his way toward Patrick, who is sitting with Scurvy and

smoking.


JOEY

Hey, how ya doin’?


Patrick ignores him completely.


JOEY

(tries to break the ice)

I had some great duck last night...


PATRICK

Do I know you?


JOEY

See that girl?


He turns to see Kat playing soccer on the field.


PATRICK

Yeah.


JOEY

That’s Kat Stratford. I want you to go

out with her.


PATRICK

(sarcastic)

Yeah sure, Sparky.


He and Scurvy laugh at the idea.


JOEY

Look. I can’t take out her sister until Kat

starts dating. You see, their dad’s whacked

out. He’s got this rule where the girls...


PATRICK

That’s a touching story. It really is.

Not my problem.


JOEY

Would you be willing to make it your problem

if I provide generous compensation?


PATRICK

You’re going to pay me to take out some chick?


JOEY

(pleased)

Mmm hmm.


PATRICK

How much?


JOEY

Twenty bucks.


Patrick turns to have another look at Kat. She violently body checks

another girl and knocks her down.


JOEY

(continuing)

Fine. 30.


PATRICK

Well let’s think about this. We go to the movies.

That’s, uh, 15 bucks. We get popcorn. That’s, uh,

53. And, uh, she’ll want Raisonettes, right? So,

uh, we’re lookin’ at 75 bucks.


JOEY

This ain’t a negotiation. Take it or leave it,

trailer park.


PATRICK

50 bucks and we’ve got a deal, Fabio.


Joey hands him 50 dollars.



EXT. SOCCER FIELD - DAY

          

Kat and the rest of the team complete their practice

session. MR. CHAPIN, the coach, calls the girls in over his

megaphone.


MR. CHAPIN

Great practice, everybody.

          

Patrick snuffs out a cigarette and approaches Kat.


PATRICK

Hey there, girlie. How ya doin'?

       

KAT

Sweating like a pig, actually. And

yourself?

          

PATRICK

Now there's a way to get a guy's attention, huh?

          

KAT

My mission in life.

          

She stands there undaunted, hand on hip.

          

KAT

(continuing)

But obviously I've struck your fancy. So,

you see, it worked. The world makes

sense again.

          

She walks away. He follows.

          

PATRICK

Pick you up Friday, then

          

KAT

Oh, right. Friday. Uh huh.

          

PATRICK

The night I take you to places you've

never been before.

          

KAT

Like where? The 7-Eleven on Broadway?

Do you even know my name, screwboy?

          

PATRICK

I know a lot more than you think.

          

KAT

Doubtful. Very doubtful.

          

She walks away quickly, leaving him standing alone.

          


ACROSS THE FIELD Cameron and Michael watch.

          

CAMERON

We are screwed.


MICHAEL

Hey, no, hey. I don’t want to hear that defeatist

attitude. I want to hear you upbeat.


CAMERON

We are screwed!


MICHAEL

There you go.


As they watch, the coach gets hit with a golf ball and falls to the

ground. We cut back to Bogie and his group of MBA nerds.


MBA KID

Run Bogie!


Bogie is motionless, a super-cheese smile glued to his face.




INT. STRATFORD HOUSE/BATHROOM - NIGHT

          

Kat washes her face at the sink. Bianca enters behind her.

                    

BIANCA

Have you ever considered a new look? I

mean, seriously, you could have some

definite potential buried under all this

hostility.

          

KAT

I’m not hostile. I’m annoyed.

          

BIANCA

Why don’t you try being nice? People wouldn’t know

what to think.


KAT

You forget. I don’t care what people think.


BIANCA

Yes you do.


KAT

No I don’t. You don’t always have to be who they want

you to be, you know.


BIANCA

I happen to like being adored, thank you.


KAT

Where’d you get the pearls?


BIANCA

They’re mom’s


KAT

(upset)

And you’ve been what? Hiding them for 3 years?


BIANCA

No. Daddy found them in a drawer last week.


KAT

So you’re just gonna start wearing them now?


BIANCA

It’s not like she’s coming back to claim them.

And besides, they look good on me.


KAT

Trust me. They don’t.

         



EXT. DOWNTOWN STREET - DAY

          

Kat emerges from a store. Patrick is waiting for her,

leaning casually against her front fender.


PATRICK

Nice ride. Vintage fenders.

       

KAT

Are you following me?

          

PATRICK

I was in the laundromat. I saw your

car. I came over to say hi.

          

KAT

Hi.

          

She moves to open the door, but he slides over and blocks her way.

          

PATRICK

Not a big talker, huh?

          

KAT

Depends on the topic. My fenders don't

really whip me into a verbal frenzy.


PATRICK

(seems genuinely intrigued by her resistance)

You’re not afraid of me, are you?


KAT

Afraid of you? Why would I be afraid of you?


PATRICK

Well, most people are.


KAT

Well, I’m not.


PATRICK

Well, maybe you’re not afraid of me. But I’m

sure you’ve thought about me naked, huh?


He gives her a knowing wink.


KAT

(sarcastic)

Am I that transparent? I want you, I need you,

Oh baby, oh baby.


She opens the door and forces him out of the way.

          

She starts to pull out and is blocked by Joey's sports car,

which pulls up perpendicular to her rear and parks.

          

Joey emerges and heads for the stores.


KAT

What is it? Asshole day?

(to Joey)

Hey! Do you mind?

          

JOEY

Not at all.

          

He continues on into the store. Kat stares at him in

disbelief... then backs up fast.

          

Her vintage fenders crash into the door of Joey's precious

ego-mobile.

          

Patrick watches with a delighted grin as Joey races back to

his car.

          

JOEY

You bitch!

          

Kat watches with an innocent look of surprise.


KAT

(sarcastic)

Whoops.


          

INT. STRATFORD HOUSE - NIGHT

          

Walter paces as Kat sits calmly on the couch.

          

WALTER

Whoops?! My insurance does not cover PMS.

          

KAT

Well, then tell them I had a seizure.

          

WALTER

Is this about Sarah Lawrence? Are you

punishing me because I want you to stay close to home?

          

KAT

Aren’t you punishing me because mom left?

          

WALTER

You think you could leave her out of this?

          

KAT

Fine. Then stop making my decisions for me.

          

WALTER

I’m your father. That's my right.

          

KAT

So what I want doesn't matter?

          

WALTER

You're eighteen. You don't know what

you want. And you won't know what you want until you're

forty-five. And if you get it, you’ll be too old to use it.

          

KAT

I want to go to an East Coast school! I

want you to trust me to make my own

choices. And I want you to stop trying to control

my life just because you can’t control yours.

          

WALTER

Oh yeah? Well you know what I want...


Walter's BEEPER goes off.


WALTER

(continuing)

We’ll continue this later.


KAT

Can’t wait.

          

She heads out of the room and is intercepted by Bianca, who’s

just off the phone.


BIANCA

(angry)

Did you just maim Joey’s car?


KAT

Yeah. Looks like you’re gonna have to take the bus.


BIANCA

Has the fact that you’re completely psycho

managed to escape your attention?


Kat walks away.


BIANCA

Daddy!



          

INT. HALLWAY - DAY

          

Patrick shuts his locker revealing

Joey's angry visage, glowering next to him.

          

JOEY

When I shell out fifty, I expect

results.

          

PATRICK

Yeah, I'm on it.

          

JOEY

Watching the bitch violate my car doesn't

count as a date.


JOEY

If you don’t get any, I don’t get any.

Let’s go get some.

          

Joey starts to walk off

          

PATRICK

I just upped my price

          

JOEY

(turning)

What?

          

PATRICK

A hundred bucks a date. In advance.

          

JOEY

Forget it.

          

PATRICK

Forget her sister, then.

          

Joey thinks for a frustrated moment, then peels another

fifty out of his wallet.

          

JOEY

You better hope you're as smooth as you

think you are, Verona.

          

Patrick takes the money with a smile.




INT. SHOP CLASS - DAY


Michael and Cameron enter the class. Scurvy brushes by them.


CAMERON

Go.


MICHAEL

No, you go.


CAMERON

I went before.


Cameron makes his way to where Patrick is working at the buffer.


CAMERON

(to Patrick)

We know what you’re trying to do,

with Kat Stratford.


PATRICK

Is that right? And what do you plan

to do about it?


CAMERON

Help you out.


PATRICK

Why’s that?

          

MICHAEL

The situation is, my man Cameron here

has a major jones for Bianca Stratford.

          

PATRICK

What is it with this chick? She have

beer flavored nipples?


CAMERON

Hey!

          

MICHAEL

I think I speak correctly when I say

that Cameron's love is pure. Purer than

say -- Joey Donner's.

          

PATRICK

Look. I'm in on this for the cash.

Donner can plow whoever he wants.


CAMERON

Okay. There will be no plowing!

          

MICHAEL

Patrick, uh, Pat. Let me explain something

to you here. We set this whole thing up so

Cameron can get the girl. Cameron. Joey's just a pawn.

          

PATRICK

So you two are gonna help me tame the wild

beast?

          

MICHAEL

(grinning)

We’ll do some research. We’ll find out what she

likes. We are your guys.

          

CAMERON

And he means that in a strictly non-

prison-movie type of way.


MICHAEL

Let’s start here. Now, Friday night.

Bogie Levenstein is having a party. It’s the

perfect opportunity.


PATRICK

Opportunity for what?


MICHAEL

For you to take out Kat.

          

PATRICK

I‘ll think about it.

          

He walks away, leaving Michael and Cameron grinning at each other.

          

MICHAEL

(continuing)

And for a little payback. This is gonna be some party.

          

Close-Up on a party invitation Michael holds up. It advertises

a “wine and cheese” party. Transition. The words “wine and cheese”

are replaced by “free beer”. “Don’t call” and “just show up” are

printed at the bottom next to Bogie’s address in Seattle.


MICHAEL

Let’s do this.


Slow motion shot of them dumping a pile of fliers down the school

stairwell. Students’ hands reach out and grab them as they fall.



          

INT. HALLWAY - DAY

          

Joey stands at his open locker with Bianca.


          

JOEY

Okay now, this is important.

Which do you like better?

          

He holds up two identical glamour model photos. In one, he's

wearing a white shirt. In the other, he's in a black shirt.

          

BIANCA

Um, I think I like the white shirt better.

          

Joey nods thoughtfully.

          

JOEY

Yeah. It's more...

          

BIANCA

Pensive?

          

          

JOEY

Damn. I was going for thoughtful.

So, you going to Bogey Lowenbrau's

thing on Friday night?

          

BIANCA

Yeah. I might.

          

He gives her his best flirtatious smile

          

JOEY

Good, 'cause, you know, I'm not gonna bother if

you won't be there.

          

The class bell rings.


JOEY

See you there.


BIANCA

Okay.


JOEY

Bye.


She walks away. He turns to a mirror hanging in his locker

and winks at himself, then unhappily adjusts an out-of-place hair.

          

          

EXT. UNDER A BRIDGE - DAY



Bianca and Cameron are on a nice walk together. No one else is around.

          

CAMERON

So have you heard about Bogey Lowenstein's

party?


BIANCA

(pouting)

Yes. And I really, really, really wanna go, but

I can't. Not unless my sister goes.

          

CAMERON

Yeah I know. I'm workin' on that. But so far she’s

not goin’ for my guy.

          

He fishes for information.

          

CAMERON

(continuing)

She's not a...

          

BIANCA

KD Lang fan? No. I found a picture of

Jared Leto in her drawer once, so I'm

pretty sure she's not harboring same-sex

tendencies.

          

CAMERON

Okay. So that's the kind of guy she likes?

Pretty guys?

          

BIANCA

I don’t know. All I've ever heard her say

is that she'd die before dating a guy

that smokes.

          

CAMERON

Okay. All right. What else?


BIANCA

You’re asking me to investigate the inner workings

of my sister’s twisted mind? I don’t think so.


CAMERON

Well nothing else has worked. I mean, we need to

go behind enemy lines here.


          

INT. KAT’S BEDROOM - DAY


Bianca rifles through Kat’s drawers while Cameron watches with

notable interest.


BIANCA

Okay, here we go.


As she names off pertinent discoveries, she hands them to Cameron.


BIANCA

(continuing)

Class schedule, reading list, date book,

coffee tickets, um, concert tickets.

Ah ha! Black panties!


CAMERON

What does that tell us?


BIANCA

She wants to have sex some day, that’s what.


CAMERON

(flustered by this intimate detail)

She could just like the color...


BIANCA

You don’t buy black lingerie unless you want

someone to see it.


CAMERON

(perhaps encouraged by this development)

Oh. So, uh, can I see your room?


BIANCA

No. A girl’s room is very personal.


CAMERON

Oh.


          

EXT. BIKER BAR - NIGHT


Michael and Cameron arrive on Michael’s dumpy motorbike and

park next to a hard-looking cat on a heavy bike.


BIKER

Nice bike.


MICHAEL

Yeah? You think so?


The biker roars off without answering.



INT. BIKER BAR - NIGHT


Michael and Cameron make their way through the surly denizens

of the saloon, who watch them in wonder.


CAMERON

Wow. Is this what a bar looks like?


MICHAEL

Don’t touch anything. You may get hepatitis.


They head toward Patrick, who plays pool by himself. As they

pass another table, Michael picks up the eight ball, ruining the

game-winning shot a tough guy is making, and tosses it back onto

the table without realizing what he’s done.

          

PATRICK

So what've you got for me?

          

CAMERON

A little insight into a very complicated girl.

          

MICHAEL

(to Patrick)

Just one question before we start: should you be

drinking alcohol when you don't have a liver?

          

PATRICK

What?!

          

MICHAEL

Nothing. Nothing.

          

CAMERON

First thing: Kat hates smokers


Cameron plucks the cigarette out of Patrick’s fingers and drops

it on the floor. Patrick isn’t pleased.


PATRICK

You’re telling me I'm a -

(spits the word out)

"non-smoker"?

          

MICHAEL

Yeah. But just for now.

          

CAMERON

And there’s another problem. Bianca said that

Kat likes -- pretty guys.

          

This is met with silence. Then:

          

PATRICK

Are you telling me I’m not a pretty guy?

          

MICHAEL

He's very pretty! He’s a gorgeous guy.

          

CAMERON

I wasn't sure. I didn’t know.

          

Cameron pulls out a list of information.

          

CAMERON

(continuing)

Alright. Okay -- Likes: Thai food, feminist

prose, and "angry, girl music of

the indie-rock persuasion". Here’s a list of

CDs that she has in her room.

          

PATRICK

So I'm supposed to buy her some noodles and a

book and sit around listening to chicks

who can't play their instruments, right?

          

MICHAEL

Have you ever been to Club Skunk?

          

          

CAMERON

Her favorite band is playing there tomorrow

night.


PATRICK

I can’t be seen at Club Skunk, alright?


CAMERON

But she’ll be there. She’s got tickets.

          

MICHAEL

Just assail your ears for one night.

          

CAMERON

She has a pair of black underwear, if that helps.


MICHAEL

(with a wink-wink-nudge-nudge voice)

Couldn’t hurt, right?

          

          

INT. CLUB SKUNK - NIGHT

          

Patrick walks down the hallway toward the stage and is eyed

suspiciously by various girls in the hall. He enters, searches

the crowd, and finds Kat dancing with Mandella. He sits at the bar.


BARTENDER

Verona! What are you doing here tonight?


Kat stops dancing and shouts at her friends.


KAT

I need agua!


She heads for the bar.


KAT

(to the bartender)

Two waters.


She spots Patrick ignoring her and looks disgusted.


KAT

(to Patrick)

If you’re planning on asking me out again, you

might as well just get it over with.


PATRICK

(pretending to be absorbed by the music)

Would you mind? You’re kind of ruining this for me.


KAT

You’re not surrounded by your usual cloud of smoke.


PATRICK

I know. I quit. Apparently they’re bad for you.


KAT

(too surprised to be sarcastic)

You did?


PATRICK

You know, these guys are no Bikini Kill or Raincoats,

but they’re not bad.


He stands and heads into the crowd. Stunned for a moment, Kat

rushes after him.


KAT

You know who the Raincoats are?


PATRICK

Why? Don’t you? I was watching you out there before...


The song ends and there is a moment of silence in the club as he

continues to use his loud-club-volume voice.


PATRICK

(continuing)

I’ve never seen you look so sexy.


The crowd hears him clearly and laughs. He grins with embarrassment.


PATRICK

(continuing)

Come to Bogie’s party with me.


KAT

You never give up, do you?


She begins to walk away through the crowd.


PATRICK

Was that a yes?


KAT

(shouting over her shoulder)

No.


PATRICK

Well, was that a no?


KAT

No.


PATRICK

(shouting after her)

I’ll see you at 9:30 then.



          

INT. STRATFORD LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

          

Bianca and Chastity are dolled-up in party clothes and are

attempting to sneak down the stairs and out the door.

Walter is reading the paper, facing the opposite direction.


WALTER

You should have used the window.

          

She pretends everything is normal.


BIANCA

Hi Daddy.

          

WALTER

Hi. Where are we going?

          

BIANCA

Well, if you must know, a small study

group of friends.

          

WALTER

Otherwise known as an orgy?


CHASTITY

Mr. Stratford, it’s just a party.


WALTER

And Hell is just a sauna.

          

Kat comes walking down the stairs, oblivious of what’s going on.

Walter directs his attention toward Kat.

          

WALTER

You know about any party?

          

Kat shrugs and shakes her head.

          

BIANCA

People expect me to be there!

          

WALTER

If Kat's not going, you're not going.

          

Bianca turns to Kat.

          

BIANCA

Why can’t you be normal?

          

KAT

Define normal.

          

BIANCA

Bogey Lowenstein's party is normal.



WALTER

What's a Bogey Lowenstein?


KAT

Bogie’s party is just a lame excuse for all the

idiots at our school to drink beer and rub up

against each other in hopes of distracting

themselves from the pathetic emptiness of their...


Chastity and Bianca are familiar with this old rant and chime in

to finish her sentence for her.


BIANCA/CHASTITY

...meaningless, consumer-driven lives.


Kat stops short. Surprised she’s become so predictable.


BIANCA

Can you, for just one night, forget that you’re

completely wretched and be my sister? Please?

Please?! C’mon, Kat, please do this for me.


She’s very sincere. Kat is swayed.


KAT

Fine. I’ll make an appearance.

          

Bianca and Chastity look at each other, thrilled, and burst

into gleeful screams, hugging Kat from either side.

          

WALTER

It's starting.

          

BIANCA

It's just a party. Daddy.

          

Walter looks dazed.

          

WALTER

I want you to wear the belly.

          

BIANCA

Daddy, no!

          

WALTER

Not all night. Just around the living room

for a minute so you can understand the full

weight of your decisions.

          

He rushes to a cupboard and pulls out a padded faux-

pregnancy jacket. Bianca limply holds out her arms in defeat.

He hangs it on her.


BIANCA

I am perfectly aware...


WALTER

Listen to me. Every time you even think about

kissing a boy, I want you to picture wearing

this under your halter top.

          

BIANCA

You are so completely unbalanced.


WALTER

Uh huh.

          

KAT

We’re going now.

          

WALTER

(to Kat)

Alright, wait a minute. No drinking. No drugs. No kissing.

No tattoos. No piercings. No ritual animal slaughter of

any kind.

(to himself)

Oh god, I’m giving them ideas...

          

Kat opens the door, and there stands Patrick.


KAT

What are you doing here?

          

PATRICK

Nine-thirty right?

          

Kat's in shock

          

PATRICK

(continuing)

I'm early.

          

KAT

Whatever. I'm driving.

          

He peeks in behind her.

          

PATRICK

Who knocked up your sister?

          




INT. MICHAEL’S HOUSE - NIGHT

Cameron and Michael are preparing to go to the party. Michael

employs a variety of questionable beautification techniques.

          

CAMERON

So, then Bianca says that I was right. That

she didn't wear the Kenneth Coles with that

dress because she thought it was

mixing genres. Right? And the fact

that I noticed -- and this is a direct quote -

"really meant something."

          

Cameron looks At Michael expectantly

          

MICHAEL

You told me that part already.

          

CAMERON

I've been thinking about it all the time...


MICHAEL

Stop being so self-involved for one minute.

How do I look?

          

CAMERON

You look like my great uncle, Milton.

          

MICHAEL

You think I should lose the tie?

          

CAMERON

(obviously)

Yeah.

          

MICHAEL

Maybe you’re right.

(very flustered and nervous)

I’m just so nervous. You know? And I’m also very

excited. I’m nervous and I’m excited. It’s all

very mixed up. I don’t know...


CAMERON

Okay, alright. Just calm down. Alright.


MICHAEL

The last party I went to was at Chuck-E-Cheeze. You

wanna talk about some fun?

(he snorts happily)

That’s a good time.




EXT. BOGEY LOWENSTEIN'S HOUSE - NIGHT


A huge pack of party-goers, carrying kegs and ready to have some

fun, charge through the night like hungry wolves, descending on

Bogey’s well-lit, upscale, suburban home.






INT. BOGEY LOWENSTEIN'S HOUSE - NIGHT

          

BOGEY, the leader of the Future MBA’s, plays the host to some stiff-looking

kids arranged on some flowery sofas in a very expensive-looking den.

He hands out cigars proudly.

          

BOGEY

Now remember guys. Don’t touch anything.


He spots one of his guests fondling a crystal vase and seizes it.


BOGEY

(continuing)

Oh...what did I tell you?


He puts it back where it came from as the doorbell rings. He

lights up and heads for the door.


BOGEY

That must be Nigel with the Brie.

          

Before he gets to the door, the room is stampeded with partiers.

Within second the house is filled to capacity. A DJ is suddenly

spinning and booze is everywhere.

          


INT. UPSTAIRS BALCONY, BOGIE’S - NIGHT

          

Michael drifts through an archway with a beer in his hand and

bee-lines for a busty blonde.


MICHAEL

(to girl)

You know, I’m thinking about getting a Tercel.

Yeah, that’s a Toyota.


She winces and she and her friend start to walk away.


MICHAEL

(shouting after her)

It has dual-side airbags and a spacious back seat.


Across the way, Kat and Patrick come up the stairs to the

balcony. Patrick encounters a very drunk and happy girl.


DRUNK GIRL

(to Patrick)

Kiss me!


She embraces him and he turns her around and nudges her into

the arms of a lonely guy on a chair.


PATRICK

Kiss him.


She immediately falls upon the lucky guy’s lips. He manages

to tear himself away for a moment as Patrick passes.


LUCKY GUY

(to Patrick)

Hey, thanks man!


In doing so, he forgets about the girl and drops her on the ground.

Meanwhile, Kat has made her way into the next room, where she is

met by Joey.

          

JOEY

Sweet! Lookin' fresh tonight, Pussy-Kat.

          

Kat gives him a dark look and then stops and points at his

forehead.

          

KAT

Wait -- was that?-- Did your hairline

just recede?

          

He’s flustered for a moment. When he recovers she's already walking away.

          

JOEY

Hey, where ya goin?

          

KAT

Away.

          

JOEY

Your sister here?

          

KAT

Stay away from my sister.

          

JOEY

(smirking)

Oh I’ll stay away from your sister. But

I can’t guarantee she’ll stay away from me.

          

A ruckus sounds from the next room and a jock jumps in next to them.

          

JOCK

Fight!


JOEY

Ooo! Fight!

          

He and the Jock run off to watch. Two guys are slugging it out in the den.

Bogie watches in horror.


BOGIE

You guys, please! Take it outside!


They wrestle and crash through the bay window onto the grass outside.


BOGIE

Thank you.

          

Kat pushes through the gathered crowd to get away and encounters Joey

with Bianca on his arm.

          

JOEY

Hey Kat. Look who found me.


Joey and Bianca walk away. She ignores Kat.


KAT

Bianca, wait!

          

BIANCA

(annoyed)

Please don’t address me in public.


KAT

No wait. There’s something I need to tell you.


BIANCA

Look. I am busy enjoying my adolescence, so

scamper off and do the same.


JOEY

(loving this)

Bye bye.

          

They leave a dejected Kat behind. A guy with a tray of shots

sidles up next to Kat.


SHOTS GUY

Want one?


Patrick appears behind her as she snatches a shot and downs it with

a grimace of intense discomfort.


PATRICK

What’s this?


SHOTS GUY

Right on, sister!

          

PATRICK

(to Kat)

I’ve been looking all over the place for you.

          

KAT

(mocking)

"I'm getting trashed, man." Isn't that

what you're supposed to do at a party?

          

PATRICK

I dunno. I say, do what you wanna do.

          

KAT

Funny, you're the only one. Later.

          

She pushes away into the crowd.


          

INT. BOGEY'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

          

Michael spots another pair of girls and tries his luck again.

He does a weak impression of an Irish jig.

          

MICHAEL

Lord of the Dance. Hi Heather.


HEATHER

Bite me.


She walks away.


MICHAEL

(undaunted and still quite cheery)

Should have kept the tie.


Cameron comes up behind him.

          

CAMERON

Hey. Have you seen her around anywhere?

          

Michael spots Bianca and Chastity coming down the stairs

and points Cameron in her direction.

          

MICHAEL

Relax. Relax. I’m telling you,

follow the love, man.

          

Cameron walks over to the girls.


CAMERON

Hi Bianca.

          

BIANCA

Oh, hi Cameron.


BIANCA

Um, you know Chastity?


A bit uncomfortable, she pushes Chastity between them.


CAMERON

(to Chastity)

Yeah. I think we have art together, right?

          

CHASTITY

(not amused)

Great.


CAMERON

(to Bianca)

So, uh, you really look amazing.


Chastity shows pitiable disdain at his obvious pass.

          

BIANCA

(uncomfortable)

Thanks.

          

Joey comes down the stairs and has overheard Cameron’s

compliment. Chastity looks him up and down approvingly.


JOEY

We all know I look amazing.


The girls both giggle.


JOEY

Bianca, let’s go. We’re all congregating

around Mr. Cuervo.


BIANCA

(to Cameron)

Um, I’ll see you around, okay?

          

Joey and the girls walk away as Cameron stares in disbelief.

Joey looks back just long enough to flash him a thumb’s up.

Cameron is crushed.

          

          

INT. A ROOM, BOGEY'S HOUSE - NIGHT

          


Bianca walks next to Joey as he blathers about modeling.

          

JOEY

So I've got the Sears catalog

thing going -- and the tube sock gig.

That is gonna be huge!


He pauses as someone screams and falls off the roof outside

the window.


JOEY

(continuing)

And I’m up for a hemorrhoid cream ad next week.

          

Bianca looks truly offended.

          

JOEY

(continuing)

I know it sounds kind of bogus, but...I get getta

do some acting.

          

He pauses again, this time to place his empty can of Budweiser

atop a large beer-can pyramid. He then strikes a pose. Bianca

isn’t watching.


JOEY

You see what I did there?


BIANCA

Um... uh huh.

          

JOEY

That was underwear. I’ll show you the bathing suit

one next.


It’s exactly the same.


JOEY

(continuing)

You see the difference?

          

She turns away looking disgusted again. He notices her lack of

interest and takes it in stride, turning immediately to someone

behind him.


JOEY

(to other person)

Okay, I’ll show you.


Bianca uses the opportunity to slip away.


          

INT. BOGEY'S DEN - NIGHT



A cowboy sits with another kid chewing tobacco. He unloads a mouthful

of it into a nice crystal vase. Bogie takes the vase from them and

moans woefully.


Bianca passes, searching the crowd, and spots Joey through an archway

striking poses for a crowd. She turns away and faces Cameron, who is

obviously not happy with the evening’s turn of events.


Bianca decided to avoid the inevitable conflict and pulls Chastity in

the opposite direction.


BIANCA

(to Chastity)

Is it just me, or does this party all of a

sudden suck?


They walk away. Cameron looks sour.



          

INT. BOGEY'S KITCHEN - NIGHT



Patrick is searching for Kat. He passes the Drunk Girl and Lucky

Guy from earlier, and the guy grabs his shirt.


LUCKY GUY

Really. Really! Thank you!


Patrick gives him a pat on the shoulder and moves on. He spots Kat,

who is already very drunk, standing with a fresh shot in her hand.

Patrick tries to remove a shot glass from Kat's hand.

          

PATRICK

          

Hey hey hey! Why don’t you let me have this one, huh?

          

Kat is fierce in her refusal and pulls the shot away.

          

KAT

No! This one’s mine.


She rushes off.

Joey enters, grabbing Patrick by the shoulder, distracting

him from following Kat.

          

JOEY

My man! How did you get her to do it?

          

PATRICK

Do what?

          

JOEY

Act like a human.

          

They both notice Kat has climbed up on a table in the next

room and is dancing. Joey is very pleased and rushes to watch.


JOEY

Yeah! Alright!

          

Others form a crowd, clapping and cheering her on. Bianca

sees her from the balcony and rushes off. Kat completes her

dance by falling off the table. Patrick catches her.


          

PATRICK

Are you okay?

          

KAT

I'm fine.

          

She tries to sit up, but falls back again.

          

PATRICK

You're not fine. C’mon.


He helps her to walk away from the table and down the hall.

          

KAT

I just need to lie down somewhere.

          

PATRICK

Uh, uh. You lie down and you'll go to

sleep

          

KAT

Sleep is good.

          

PATRICK

Yeah. Not if you have a concussion.



          

EXT. BOGIE’S HOUSE - NIGHT


A few partygoers stand around as Patrick guides her toward a

stone bench.


PATRICK

C'mon. Here, sit down. Sit.

          

As Patrick sits Kat down, Cameron comes up next to him.

          


CAMERON

(to Patrick)

Hey, hey. We need to talk.

          

PATRICK

I'm a little busy right now.

          

CAMERON

Can you give me a second?


Patrick steps aside with him.


CAMERON

(continuing)

It's off, okay? The whole thing’s off.

          

PATRICK

What’re you talking about?

          

CAMERON

She never wanted me. She wanted Joey the

whole time.


Patrick doesn't have time for this.

          

PATRICK

Cameron -- do you like the girl?

          

CAMERON

Yeah.

          

PATRICK

(impatient)

Yeah. And is she worth all this trouble?


CAMERON

Well, I thought she was. But, you know, I...


PATRICK

Well she is or she isn’t. See, first of all, Joey

is not half the man you are. Secondly, don’t let

anyone ever make you feel like you don’t deserve

what you want. Go for it!


Kat begins to fall off the bench and Patrick catches her again.

He stands her up and they walk away.


PATRICK

(to Kat)

C’mon.



Patrick continues walking an oblivious Kat away from the party.

Cameron stands there, unsure how to make use of this advice.

          



EXT. THE STREET OUTSIDE BOGIE’S HOUSE - NIGHT

          

Patrick marches Kat down the street, holding her up. They head

up a hill.

          

KAT

(annoyed at being held up)

You’re so patronizing.

          

PATRICK

Leave it to you to use big words when

you're smashed.


She pushes his arm off and tries to walk on her own.


KAT

I don’t think so.


She falls down and stands back up again.


PATRICK

Okay...

          

KAT

Why are you doing this?

          

PATRICK

I told you. You may have a concussion.

          

KAT

You don't care if I never wake up.

          

PATRICK

(he grins)

Sure, I do.

          

KAT

Why?

          

They reach a set of two swings hedged by ivy and stop.


PATRICK

Well then, because then I'd have to start taking

out girls who actually like me.

          

KAT

Like you could find one.

          

PATRICK

See that, there? Who needs affection when

I have blind hatred?

          

KAT

Let me sit down for a while.

          

She walks over to the swings and plops down,

moving her hands to hang onto the ropes.


She sits and looks at him for a moment with a smile. Then

falls over backward, just in time to be caught--again.

          

PATRICK

Jesus.

          

Patrick sits on the other swing.

          

PATRICK

(continuing)

So why'd you let him get to you?

          

KAT

Who?

          

PATRICK

Joey.

          

KAT

I hate him.

          

PATRICK

Well, you’ve chosen the perfect revenge:

mainlining tequila.


They both laugh.

          

KAT

Well, you know what they say...

          

He stops the swing

          

PATRICK

No. What do they say?

          

Kat is asleep, her head resting against the swing's rope. He’s

concerned about her falling asleep with a possible concussion.

          

PATRICK

(continuing)

No no no no! Kat! C’mon, wake up! Look at me!

Listen to me, Kat. Open your eyes!

          

He slaps her and she slowly opens her eyes.


KAT

(waking)

Hey. You’re eyes have a little green in them.

          

He sighs with relief and smiles. They make meaningful eye

contact, and she then vomits at his feet.



          

EXT. BOGEY LOWENSTEIN'S DRIVEWAY - NIGHT

          

Kids loiter outside. Bianca and Chastity are waiting.


BIANCA

I don’t know if we should go...


Joey comes up to them.

          

JOEY

Hey. A bunch of us are going to Jaret's

house. Ready?

          

BIANCA

Uh, I have to be home in twenty minutes.

          

CHASTITY

(eagerly, to Joey)

You know, I don't have to be home 'til two. So...

          

JOEY

(to Bianca)

One more chance...


BIANCA

(not interested)

Oh, man. I can’t. Damn.


CHASTITY

That’s a shame.

(to Joey)

Well?


JOEY

(to Chastity)

You wanna go?


CHASTITY

Sure.


BIANCA

Chastity!


CHASTITY

Hey, you passed.


Chastity leaves with Joey.


BIANCA

(to herself)

Bitch.

          

Cameron exits the party and stops when he sees Bianca

standing alone.

          

CAMERON

(slightly accusatory)

Hey. Have fun tonight?

          

BIANCA

(unenthused)

Tons.

          

He starts to walk on.

          

BIANCA

(continuing)

Cameron?

          

He stops. She gives him a helpless smile.

          

BIANCA

(continuing)

Do you think you could give me a ride home?


He stops, facing away from her. He looks very put-out.



          

INT. KAT'S CAR - NIGHT

          

Patrick drives as Kat sits in the passenger seat. She listens

to the stereo.

          

KAT

I should do this.

          

PATRICK

Do what?

          

KAT

This.

          

She points to the radio.

          

PATRICK

Start a band?

          

KAT

(sarcastically)

No, install car stereos. Yeah, start a band.

My father would love that.


Patrick pulls up to her house and stops the car.

          

PATRICK

You don't strike me as the type that

would ask your father’s permission.

          

She turns to look at him.

          

KAT

Oh, so now you think you know me?

          

PATRICK

I'm gettin' there

          

Her voice loses it's venom

          

KAT

The only thing people know about me is

that I'm "scary".

          

PATRICK

Yeah, well, I'm no picnic myself.

          

They eye each other, sharing a moment of connection.

          

PATRICK

(avoiding the tension)

So what ' s up with your dad? Is he a

pain in the ass?

          

KAT

No. He just wants me to be someone I'm not.

          

PATRICK

Who?

          

KAT

Bianca.

          

PATRICK

Ah... Bianca. No offense or anything, I mean,

I know everyone digs you're sister. But, um...

She’s without.

          

Kat stares at him with new admiration.

          

KAT

You know, you're not as vile as I

thought you were.

          

She leans drunkenly toward him.

          

Their faces grow closer as if they're about to kiss And then

Patrick pulls away.

          

PATRICK

Maybe we should do this another time.

          

Kat stares at him, pissed. Then gets out of the car

and stomps off.

          


CAMERON'S CAR - NIGHT

          

Bianca and Cameron ride in silence.

He pulls up in front of her house and finally breaks it.


CAMERON

You never wanted to go sailing with me,

did you?

          

BIANCA

(lying to be nice)

Yes I did.


CAMERON

No. You didn’t.


BIANCA

Well, okay. No. Not actually.

          

CAMERON

(upset and disappointed)

Well, then that's all you had to say.

You always been this selfish?

          

BIANCA thinks for a few seconds.


BIANCA

(meekly)

Yes.

          

CAMERON

You know, just because you're beautiful, doesn't

mean you can treat people like they don't matter.

I mean, I really like you. Okay? I defended you

when people called you conceited. I helped you

when you asked me to. I learned French for you!

And then you just blow me off...

          

She looks at him for a moment, then grabs his face and

gives him a kiss on the lips. He is stunned. She smiles, then

gets out of the car without another word.

          

Cameron looks as though he’s just been told he’s inherited a

billion dollars as she turns, smiles, and walks away.

          

CAMERON

(regaining his composure)

And I'm back in the game!



INT. ENGLISH CLASS - DAY

          

Kat enters the class. DEREK, a White Rasta, pokes fun at her for

dancing at the party the night before.

          

DEREK

Kat, me lady, you sway to the rhythm of

me heart.


CLEM, a cowboy, chimes in as she makes her way to her seat.

          

CLEM

Dance for me, cowgirl.

    

JOEY

Kat, babe, what do we owe you for the table dance?

          

MR. MORGAN

(to the class)

Allright, not that I care, but how was everybody’s

weekend?

          

JOEY

Oh, I don’t know.

Maybe we should ask Kat.

          

MR. MORGAN

Unless she kicked the crap out of your dumb butt,

I don’t wanna hear about it. Okay, let’s open up

our books to page 73, sonnet 141. And listen up:


He quotes from Shakespeare’s sonnet with a modern rapper lilt.

          

MR. MORGAN

(reciting)

“In faith, I do not love thee with mine eyes.

For they and thee a thousand errors note.

But ‘tis my heart loves what they despise,

who in despite of view is pleas’d to dote.”

(continuing as normal)

Now, I know Shakespeare’s a dead white guy.

But he knows his shit, so we can overlook that.

I want you all to write your own

version of this Sonnet.


The class groans in disapproval.

Kat raises her hand. Mr. Morgan is unpleased. He’s obviously

accustomed to her opposition.


MR. MORGAN

Yes, Miss I-have-an-opinion-about-everything?


KAT

Do you want this in iambic pentameter?


MR. MORGAN

You’re not going to fight me on this?


KAT

No. I think it’s a really good assignment.


MR. MORGAN

(laughs)

You’re just messin’ with me, aren’t you?


KAT

No. I’m really looking forward to writing it.


MR. MORGAN

(thinks she’s mocking him)

Get out of my class.


KAT

What?


MR. MORGAN

Out. Get out!


She looks confused, slowly rises and leaves.


JOEY

Thanks Mr. Morgan.


MR. MORGAN

Shut up.



          

INT. HALLWAY - DAY

          

Mandella is at her locker. Drawings of William Shakespeare

adorn the door. Michael walks up.

          

MICHAEL

Hey. That’s a cool picture. What’s the collar for?

Is it to keep him from licking his stitches?


He laughs at his own joke, then notices her lack of amusement.

          

MICHAEL

(continuing)

Kidding. No, because I know you’re a fan of Shakespeare.

          

MANDELLA

More than a fan. We’re involved.

          

MICHAEL

Okay.

          

She continues to ignore him.

          

MICHAEL

(quoting from Shakespeare)

“Who could refrain that had a heart to

love and in that heart...“


MANDELLA

(finishing the quote for him)

...courage to make love known?

          

Michael thinks for a minute.

          

MICHAEL

Macbeth, right?

          

MANDELLA

(happily stunned)

Right.

          

MICHAEL

So, listen... I have this friend...



          

EXT. SOCCER FIELD - DAY

          

Cameron sits next to Patrick on the bleachers as they watch

the girls practice.

          

          

CAMERON

What'd you do to her?

          

PATRICK

I didn’t do anything.

Would’ve been too drunk to remember.


CAMERON

But the plan was working.


PATRICK

What do you care? I thought you wanted out.


CAMERON

Yeah, well I did, but, uh, that was until she

kissed me.

          

PATRICK

(grins)

Where?

                              

CAMERON

In the car.


Michael is jogging up to them from across the jogging track. As he

crosses it, he is nearly run over by two joggers.


MICHAEL

Sorry.


JOGGERS

Dweeb! Putz!


MICHAEL

I’m Sorry!


He sits with Cameron and Patrick.


MICHAEL

Alright. I talked to her. I got the scoop.


CAMERON

What did she say?


MICHAEL

Hates him with the fire of a

thousand suns. That's a direct quote.


PATRICK

Thanks, Malcolm. That’s very comforting of you.

          

CAMERON

We don’t know. She could just need a day to cool

off.

          

A soccer ball flies past them from the field, narrowly missing their

heads. Kat stands menacingly glaring at them.

          

PATRICK

(continuing)

Maybe two.


          

INT. SCHOOL COURTYARD - DAY

          

Kat and Mandella walk. Kat sees a prom flyer and tears it down as the

flier posting girl watches.

          

PROM POSTER GIRL

Hey!


Kat doesn’t hear her and just keeps walking.


KAT

Can you imagine who would go to that antiquated

mating ritual?

          

MANDELLA

(raises her hand)

I would. But I don’t have a date.

          

KAT

Do you really want to get all dressed up so

some Drakkar Noir-wearing Dexter with a boner

can feel you up while you’re forced to listen

to a band that by definition sucks?

          

MANDELLA

Alright, alright. We won't go. It's not like

I’ve got a dress anyway.


          

KAT

You ' re looking at this from entirely the wrong

perspective. We're making a statement.

          

MANDELLA

(unconvinced and sarcastic)

Oh, goody. Something new and different

for us.


          

EXT. ARCHERY FIELD - DAY

          

Mr. Chapin instructs as boys and girls shoot arrows at targets.

Joey swaggers up to Bianca, who is taking careful aim.

          

JOEY

Hey there, Cupid.

          

BIANCA

(not looking at him)

Hi, Joey.

          

JOEY

You're concentrating awfully hard

considering it's gym class.

          

She turns to look at him and releases the arrow at an angle. A cry

is heard off-camera. Bianca clearly isn’t interested in talking to Joey.


BIANCA

Can I help you?

          

JOEY

I want to talk to you about prom.

          

BIANCA

Look, you know the deal. I can't go if Kat

doesn't go.

          

In the background, Mr. Chapin crumples to the ground with an arrow

sticking out of his rear end. Chastity scurries over to help him.

          

JOEY

Your sister is going.

          

Bianca looks at him, surprised

          

BIANCA

Since when?

          

JOEY

Oh, let’s just say I'm taking care of it.

          

Joey takes an arrow and hands it to her as he walks away.




INT. HALLWAY - DAY

          

Joey hands 2 $100 bills to Patrick.


JOEY

Here. This should take care of the flowers, the limo,

the tux, everything. Just make sure she gets to the prom.

          

Patrick’s conscience seems to be bothering him.

          

PATRICK

You know what? I’m sick of playing your little game.

          

He hands back the cash. Joey reaches into his pocket again and looks around.


JOEY

You sick of, let’s say, 300?


Patrick looks a bit tortured, but eventually takes the money.



INT. GUITAR STORE - DAY


Kat is playing a guitar with headphones on. Patrick comes up behind her,

then decides to leave her alone.



INT. BOOK STORE - DAY

          

Patrick scans the store for Kat, sees her, and follows her from the next

row of books. When the reach the end of the aisle, he confronts her.

          

PATRICK

Excuse me, have you seen The Feminine

Mystique? I’ve lost my copy.

          

KAT

(not pleased)

What are you doing here?

          

PATRICK

I heard there was a poetry reading.

          

KAT

You're so...

          

PATRICK

Charming?

          

She turns and begins to walk away.

          

PATRICK

(continuing)

Wholesome.

          

KAT

(turning back)

Unwelcome.

          

PATRICK

You’re not as mean as you think you are, you know that?


KAT

And you’re not as badass as you think you are.


PATRICK

Ooo, someone still has their panties in a twist.

          

KAT

Don't for one minute think that you had

any effect whatsoever on my panties.

          

PATRICK

Then what did I have an effect on ?

          

KAT

Other than my upchuck reflex? Nothing.

          

She heads for the door, handing him a copy of The Feminine Mystique as

she leaves.


          

INT. CAFETERIA - DAY

          

Cameron and Michael flank Patrick as he piles food onto his tray.

          

PATRICK

You’re right. She's still pissed.

          

MICHAEL

Sweet love, renew thy force!

          

PATRICK

Hey, man! Don't say shit like that to me.

People can hear you.

          

CAMERON

Look. You embarrassed the girl. Sacrifice

yourself on the altar of dignity and

even the score.


Patrick scowls and walks away.

          

MICHAEL

Listen. Don’t say shit like that to him. People

can hear you.

          


INT. HALLWAY - DAY


Patrick hands a wad of cash to a pudgy kid and smiles.



          

INT. FIELD ANNOUNCER’S BOOTH - DAY


A pair of hands are scanning the controls for the school stadium’s audio

setup. One hand holds a cordless microphone, the other turns up the volume

on a switch labeled “Field Mic Announce”.



EXT. THE BLEACHERS - DAY


Looking down on the field where the girls are practicing soccer, Patrick

stands atop the bleachers with the microphone in his hand and begins to

sing an old love song to Kat.


He completes the first verse, as everyone watches, then gives a

signal to the pudgy kid he met in the hall earlier. The kid is the leader

of the school marching band, which then chimes in and begins playing the

music for the song. Kat is thrilled.


Patrick continues singing and dancing around on the bleachers, until two

cops arrive. They grab him as the soccer team applauds his performance.


He breaks free and continues hamming about, spanks an officer’s bum as he

passes, then runs away. Kat is obviously flattered.


          

                    

INT. DETENTION HALL - DAY

          

Patrick and several other miscreants sit quietly, mulling

over their misfortune as Mr. Chapin presides. Mr. Chapin tries to sit

on the edge of the desk, grimaces in pain from his arrow wound, and

someone in the classroom giggles.

          

MR. CHAPIN

(to a stoner kid)

You look pretty nervous.


STONER KID

Yes sir.


MR. CHAPIN

You’re sweating like a pig.


STONER KID

Yes sir.


MR. CHAPIN

Your eyes are all...bloodshot.


STONER KID

Yes sir.


MR. CHAPIN

You’ve got pot, don’t you?


Stoner Kid hands him a bag of weed.


MR. CHAPIN

I’m confiscating this.


He turns around and sees a bag of Cheetos on another kid’s desk, which

he also takes, revealing possible future plans for his contraband...


MR. CHAPIN

This too.


Kat suddenly enters the room and approaches Mr. Chapin. Patrick looks

up and sees her.


KAT

Um, sir? I have some ideas on how we can improve

the girl’s soccer team.


MR. CHAPIN

Great! Let’s talk about it later.

          

He turns away and she uses the opportunity to motion to Patrick.


KAT

(whispering to Patrick)

The window.

(he doesn’t get it)

Window!


Mr. Chapin turns back around and she laughs.


KAT

(continuing to Mr. Chapin)

As you know, we have a really big game with Hillcrest High...

          

Patrick runs for the side of the room as she distracts Mr. Chapin.

Mr. Chapin begins to turn, but she grabs his arm to stop him.


KAT

(gasps)

You’re bicep is huge! Oh my god. The other

one’s even bigger. You don’t take steroids, do you?

Because I’ve heard steroids can severely disintegrate

your...package.


The classroom murmers, including an inexplicable older, balding guy in the

back row, who seems to be a badly cast extra.


KAT

(continuing)

That’s not the point.


MR. CHAPIN

Let’s hope not.


He hears Patrick make a creaking noise and tries to turn. She stops him.


KAT

The point is, they kick our butts every year. I was

thinking. I devised a plan that will enable us to

finally defeat them.

          

MR. CHAPIN

Which is?

          

Patrick is sneaking toward the window behind him, next to

a big sign that reads: “All’s Quiet on the Western Front”.


KAT

(continuing)

That thing you taught us.


MR. CHAPIN

What thing?


KAT

Misdirection.


MR. CHAPIN

I taught you that?


KAT

Yeah. You, or Siegfried, or Roy. Anyway,

that’s not important. The...

          

He tries to turn again and she grabs his chin to stop him.


KAT

Think about it! Um, they’re looking left, and

we’re running right. Bang! We score. We win.

          

Kat starts to panic, as Patrick has yet to make it out the window.

          

MR. CHAPIN

Okay. But how do we get ‘em to look left?


KAT

(in desperation)

Um, like this.

          

She lifts her shirt just long enough for Patrick to escape.

          

The miscreants cheer, for both the daring escape and the

flash of skin.


KAT

Okay. Well, now that you’ve seen...The Plan,

I’m gonna go and show The Plan to someone else. Okay.


She walks away as the classroom applauds.

          


          

EXT. IN THE BAY - DAY

          

Patrick and Kat peddle a small, rented leisure boat. They are

laughing together.

          

PATRICK

I can’t thank you enough for helping me sneak out of

detention. Very cool.

          

KAT

No problem.

          

PATRICK

I thought for sure I was busted when I was climbing

out that window, I tell ya. So how did you keep

him distracted?

         

KAT

I dazzled him with my... wits.


PATRICK

(after a pause)

So what's your excuse?


KAT

For?


PATRICK

Acting the way we do.

          

KAT

I don't like to do what people expect.

Why should I live up to other people’s

expectations instead of my own?

          

PATRICK

So you disappoint them from the

start and then you're covered, right?

          

KAT

Something like that

          

PATRICK

Then you screwed up

          

KAT

How?

          

PATRICK

You never disappointed me.

          

PATRICK

(after a romantic pause)

Are you up for it?

          

KAT

Up for what?

          

He motions to the SIGN for a paint-ball game.

          


EXT. PAINTBALL PARK - DAY


They chase each other around and get covered in paint,

having a good time of it. Eventually, they end up

falling down and literally rolling in the hay, caught

in an embrace and a short bit of lip action before the

game continues.

                  

  

EXT. STRATFORD HOUSE - DAY

          

Patrick pulls up outside Kat's house and they get out. Paint still

streaks their hair.


PATRICK

No. None of that stuff is true.

          

KAT

State trooper?

          

PATRICK

Fallacy. Uh, dead guy in the parking lot?

          

KAT

Rumor. The duck?

          

PATRICK

Hearsay. Bobby Ridgeway’s balls?

          

KAT

Fact. But he deserved it. He tried to grope me

in the lunch line.


PATRICK

Fair enough.


KAT

The accident?


PATRICK

It’s real. I lived in Australia until I was 10.


KAT

With the Pygmies?


PATRICK

Close. With my mom.


KAT

Where were you last year?

I know the porn career's a lie.

          

PATRICK

Do you?

          

They pause for a moment, then laugh.

          

KAT

Tell me something true.

          

PATRICK

Something true? I hate peas.

          

KAT

No. Something real. Something no one

else knows.

          

PATRICK

(in-between kissing her neck)

Okay. You're sweet. And sexy. And

completely hot for me.

          

KAT

You're amazingly self-assured. Has

anyone ever told you that?

          

PATRICK

I tell myself that every day, actually.


He kisses her.


PATRICK

Go to the prom with me


KAT

Is that a request or a command?

          

PATRICK

C’mon, go with me.

          

KAT

No.

          

PATRICK

No? Why not?

          

KAT

No, I won't go with you

          

PATRICK

Why not?

          

KAT

Because I don't want to. It's a stupid

tradition.

          

PATRICK

C’mon. People won't expect you to go.

          

Kat turns to him, getting angry.

          

KAT

Why are you pushing this?

What's in it for you?

          

He plays the role of the guilty, accused husband, answering with

an accusatory question.

          

PATRICK

Oh, so I need to have a motive to want to be

with you?

          

KAT

You tell me.

          

PATRICK

You need therapy, you know that? Has anyone ever told

you that?

          

KAT

(suspicious and a little hurt)

Answer the question, Patrick

          

PATRICK

(angry)

Nothing! There is nothing in it for me.

Just the pleasure of your company, okay?

          

He takes out a cigarette. She throws it away before she

storms off and SLAMS the door to the house.


                    

INT. STUDY HALL - DAY

          

Cameron and Bianca sit together at a table. She stares at him.

          

CAMERON

(speaking in French)

May I offer you a parsnip?

          

BIANCA

(in French)

No, you may not.

          

CAMERON

(in French)

Where is my uncle’s pencil?

          

BIANCA

(in French, impatient)

I don’t know. Perhaps it’s up your ass?

          

CAMERON

(flustered, in English)

Wait. Wait a minute. That, that’s not on this page.

          

BIANCA

(in French, angry)

Let me ask you a question, Cameron. When

are you going to ask me out?


She gets up and storms off. Cameron, perplexed at this development,

obviously didn’t understand what she said. He flips through his

French book for an explanation and evidently finds one.

          

CAMERON

(in French)

Shit.

                    

          

INT. HALLWAY - DAY

          

Mandella opens her locker. Hanging inside is a beautiful period-style

green dress with a note. Mandella holds the dress up to read the note.

          

The note reads: "0 Fair One. Join me at the prom. I will be

waiting. Love, William S."

          

Mandella seems pleased.


          

EXT. STRATFORD HOUSE/PATIO - DAY

          

Walter does crunches on an abdominal machine. He is struggling

magnificently.

          

WALTER

(grunting)

Seven!

(He stops and catches his breath)

Good.

          

He stands up as Bianca enters.

          

BIANCA

Daddy?


WALTER

Hi, honey.


BIANCA

Um, I want to discuss tomorrow night. As you know,

it's the prom...


He has been using a stretchy arm workout device, and it suddenly

flies away off the balcony.

          

WALTER

The prom? Kat has a date?

          

BIANCA

Well, no.

          

WALTER

Don’t think you’re fooling me for a second.

I know who you want to bend the rules for.

It's that hot rod Joey.

          

BIANCA

What’s a "hot rod"?

          

WALTER

It’s a... If your sister’s not going, you're not going.

End of story.

          

BIANCA

Okay, let’s review. Kat: not interested.

Me: dying to go.

          

WALTER

You know what happens at proms?

          

BIANCA

Yes, daddy. We'll dance, we'll kiss, we'll

come home. It’s not quite the crisis situation

you imagine.

          

WALTER

Kissing, huh? That’s what you think

happens? Got news for you. Kissing isn't what keeps

me up to my elbows in placenta all day long.


BIANCA

Can we for 2 seconds ignore the fact that you’re

severely unhinged and discuss my need for a night

of teenage normalcy?


WALTER

What’s normal? Those damn Dawson’s River kids

sleeping in each other’s beds and whatnot?


BIANCA

Daddy, that is so not...


WALTER

Got news for ya. I’m down. I’ve got the 411.

And you are not going out and getting jiggy

with some boy. I don’t care how dope his ride is.


She groans and leaves.


WALTER

(to himself)

My mama didn’t raise no fool.


The stretchy arm device now comes flying back onto the patio and lands

in the hot tub.


WALTER

(shouting)

Thanks, Bill.


          

INT. BIANCA'S ROOM - DAY

          

Bianca lies on her bed watching The Real World Seattle. A knock sounds.

          

BIANCA

(annoyed)

Come in.

          

Kat enters.

          

KAT

(kindly)

Listen I know...


Bianca isn’t listening. Kat turns off the TV.


KAT

(continuing)

Listen, I know you hate having to sit at

home because I'm not Susie High School.

          

BIANCA

Like you care.

          

KAT

I do care. But I'm a firm believer in

doing something for your own reasons, and

not someone else's.

          

BIANCA

Well, I wish I had that luxury. You know, I'm the only

sophomore that got asked to the prom and

I can't go, because you don’t feel like it.

          

KAT

Joey never told you that we went out, did

he?

          

BIANCA

(doesn’t believe her)

Yeah, okay.

          

KAT

In 9th. For a month

          

BIANCA

(can tell she’s serious and is confused)

Why?

          

KAT

(self-mocking)

Because he was, like, such a babe.

          

BIANCA

But you hate Joey

          

KAT

Now I do.

          

BIANCA

So what happened?

          

Kat indicates with a nod and a raised eyebrow that they

went all the way.


BIANCA

Oh! Please tell me you’re joking.

          

KAT

Just once, right after mom left. Everyone was doing

it, so... I did it. Afterwards, I told him I

didn't want to anymore because I wasn't ready

and he got pissed and dumped me.

          

Bianca stares at her, dumbfounded

          

KAT

(continuing)

After that I swore I'd never do

anything just because "everyone else"

was doing it. And I haven't since.

With the exception of Bogey's party and my

stunning digestive pyrotechnics.

          

BIANCA

(stunned)

How is it possible that I did not know about this?


KAT

I warned him that if he told anyone, the cheerleading

squad would find out how small his dick is.


BIANCA

Okay. So why didn't you tell me?

          

KAT

I wanted to let you make up your own

mind about him.

          

BIANCA

(angry)

Then why did you help Daddy hold me hostage?

          

Bianca stands up slowly

          

BIANCA

(continuing)

It’s not like I'm stupid enough to repeat your

mistakes.

          

KAT

I guess I thought I was protecting you.

          

BIANCA

By not letting me experience anything for myself?

          

KAT

Not all experiences are good, Bianca.

You can't always trust the people you

want to.

          

BIANCA

Well, I guess I'll never know, will I?

          

She rises and holds the door open for Kat, then slams it

behind her.


          

INT. KAT'S ROOM - DAY

          

Kat lies in bed, staring at the ceiling. She rolls over and

looks out the window. Bianca is looking pitiful in a tire swing.


          

INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

          

Walter sits on the couch, transfixed by an ad for an aerosol product

that covers baldness.

          

WALTER

Interesting...


Kat descends the stairs in an elegant blue prom dress and heads for the door.


KAT

Bye, dad. I'm going to the prom.

          

WALTER

(without looking up, thinks she‘s joking)

Funny, sweetie.


Kat shuts the door behind her.

          

Bianca walks into the living room. She's wearing a prom

dress. Walter sees and immediately crosses to where she stands.


WALTER

What’s that?


BIANCA

A prom dress.

          

WALTER

I seem to be hearing that word a lot lately.

          

The doorbell rings and Bianca opens it. There stands

Cameron in a tuxedo. He takes in Bianca's outfit.


BIANCA

Hi.

          

CAMERON

Wow. I, um... wow.


BIANCA


Bye, daddy.


WALTER

Stop. Turn. Explain.


BIANCA

Okay. Remember how you said I could date if Kat

dated? Well, she found this guy who’s actually

kind of perfect for her. Which is actually kind

of perfect for me, because Cameron asked me to go

to the prom, and I really really really wanna go.

And since Kat went, I guess I’m allowed to, based

on the aforementioned rule, and it’s previous

stipulations, of course.


CAMERON

(extends his hand to Walter)

Nice to meet you.

          

BIANCA

(intercepting his hand)

Let's go.

          

They dash away down the walk.

          

WALTER

(shouting after them)

I know every cop in town, bucko!

(to himself)

This is not good.

          

          

INT. PROM/DANCE FLOOR - NIGHT


A band that does not exactly suck by definition plays to a very

responsive crowd.



INT. PROM/BALCONY - NIGHT

          

Kat ascends the grand staircase and stops. Patrick notices and

comes up behind her.


PATRICK

Wow.


KAT

You too.


He hands her a rose.

          

KAT

Where'd you get a tux at the last minute?

          

PATRICK

Oh, just something I had. You know, lying around.


KAT

Oh...


PATRICK

Where'd you get the dress?

          

KAT

Oh, just something I had. You know, lying around.


He smiles.

          

KAT

Listen. I'm really sorry that I

questioned your motives. I was wrong.

          

Patrick sighs.

          

PATRICK

You’re forgiven.

          

KAT

Okay. Ready for the prom?


PATRICK

Yes, ma’am.



INT. STRATFORD DOORWAY - NIGHT


Joey arrives in a tux and knocks on the door. Walter opens it.

          

JOEY

Hi, Mr. Stratford. I’m Joey.

I'm here to pick up Bianca.

          

Walter gives him an icy glare in silence and then slams the door

in his face without saying a word.



          

INT. PROM/DANCE FLOOR - NIGHT

          

Patrick and Kat enter.

Kat steps forward, looking around and spots Cameron and

Bianca dancing cheek to cheek.

          

ACROSS THE ROOM

          

Mandella enters nervously, in the long Elizabethan gown,

hair piled on top of her head. She spots Kat and hurries

over, distressed.

          

MANDELLA

Have you seen him?

          

KAT

Who?

          

MANDELLA

William - he asked me to meet him here.

          

KAT

Oh, Mandella. Tell me you haven't

progressed to full-on hallucinations.

          

Patrick looks toward the stage and nods. Mandella turns to look.

          

Michael - in Shakespearean-like attire bows in their direction.

Mandella beams.

          

Michael makes his way through the crowd over to her.

          

MICHAEL

Milady.

          

MANDELLA

Good sir.

          

Michael kisses her hand in courtly manner.



INT. PROM/DANCE FLOOR - SHORTLY AFTER

          

Kat and Patrick clap as the band finishes a song. A new

song begins and Kat recognizes it. It’s by her favorite band.


KAT

Oh me god! It’s...


PATRICK

I called in a favor.

          

Kat stares in honest appreciation as the lead singer of her favorite

band appears on stage and makes her way to the crowd to sing directly

to Kat. She turns back toward the stage and Patrick kisses Kat. The

music plays.


          

INT. PROM/LADIES ROOM - NIGHT

          

Bianca is at the mirror. Chastity emerges from a stall.

          

BIANCA

(surprised)

What are you doing here?

          

Chastity is aloof.

          

CHASTITY

Oh, I know you didn’t think you were the only sophomore

at the prom? Joey just picked me up.

          

BIANCA

Well congratulations. He’s all yours.

          

Chastity maintains her snooty tone.

          

CHASTITY

Very generous, princess.

And just so you know, Joey only liked you for

one reason. He even had a bet going with his

friends. He was gonna nail you tonight.

          

Bianca, very disturbed, runs away.


          

INT. PROM/DANCE FLOOR - IMMEDIATELY AFTER

          

Patrick and Kat continue to slow dance in good spirits.

          

PATRICK

Milwaukee.

          

KAT

What?

          

PATRICK

That's where I was last year. I wasn't in

jail, I don't know Marilyn Manson, and I

didn’t sleep with a Spice Girl--I don’t think.

You see, my grandpa, he was ill, so

I spent most of the year on his

couch watching Wheel of Fortune and making

Spaghettios. End of story.

          

KAT

(laughs)

No way!

          

He's interrupted by Joey pulling him aside.

          

JOEY

(angry)

Hey! What's Bianca doing here with that

cheese dick? I didn't pay you to take out Kat

so that some little punk could snake me with Bianca.


Kat has heard everything. Patrick looks at her pleadingly.


KAT

Nothing in it for you, huh?


She leaves. Patrick follows.

          

ACROSS THE ROOM

          

Michael spots the altercation and dances Mandella over to

Cameron and Bianca.

          

MICHAEL

(to Cameron)

The shit has hiteth the fan...eth.

          

Michael and Cameron leave Mandella and Bianca and head for Joey.

          

ACROSS THE ROOM

          

Michael and Cameron approach Joey quickly.

          

MICHAEL

Joey, pal, compadre. Listen...

          

Joey pushes him roughly to the ground. Cameron passes Joey to help

Michael.

          

JOEY

You messed with the wrong guy, and

now you’re gonna pay. You, and

that little bitch.

          

Cameron doesn’t like the sound of that. He turns and faces Joey.

          

CAMERON

Alright, that’s enough! Okay?

You crossed the line.

          

Joey punches Cameron in the face, knocking him to the ground.

          

JOEY

Oh come on! Get up, you little punk!

          

He turns around, just in time to catch one in the nose from a

very pissed off Bianca.


JOEY

Shit, Bianca! I’m shooting a nose spray ad tomorrow!

          

BIANCA

That's for making my date bleed...

          

She belts him again.

          

BIANCA

(continuing)

That's for my sister...

          

And again.

          

BIANCA

(continuing)

And that's for me.


She pushes him onto the ground with Michael and Cameron. She

and Mandella help their dates off the floor.


BIANCA

(to Cameron)

Are you okay?


CAMERON

(smiling big)

Never been better.


She kisses him and they begin to dance. Everyone slow dances as

Joey groans on the floor and holds his crotch.


          

INT. HOTEL STAIRWAY- NIGHT

          

KAT heads for the stairs and Patrick catches up to her as they reach

the top.

          

PATRICK

Would you give me a chance...

          

KAT

You were paid to take me out! By

the one person I truly hate. I knew this

was a set-up!

          

PATRICK

Kat, it wasn't like that, okay?

          

KAT

Really? What was it like? A down

payment now and then a bonus for sleeping

with me?

          

PATRICK

No, I didn't care about the money, okay?

I cared... I cared about you.

          

She turns to face him with a countenance of both sadness and anger.

          

KAT

You are so not who I thought you were.

          

In desperation, he grabs her and kisses her. After a second,

she jerks away and flees down the stairs and out of sight.

          

Bianca comes running from behind Patrick, sees what has happened,

and stops. She seems guilty now for dragging Kat to the prom and

into this mess.


                    

EXT. STRATFORD HOUSE - DAY

          

Kat is sitting on the balcony railing with a sketchbook in hand.

Bianca breezes in, bearing a cup of tea, and offers it to Kat.


BIANCA

You want?


Kat takes the tea.


KAT

Thanks.

          

BIANCA

So, you sure you don't want to go sailing

with us? It'll be fun.

          

KAT

No, I'm fine.

          

BIANCA

Look. I don’t know if I ever thanked you for going

last night, but it really meant a lot to me.

          

KAT

I’m glad.

          

Cameron comes jogging up the steps to the balcony, looking very

chipper indeed. He notices the seriousness of the situation.

          

CAMERON

(to Bianca, quietly)

Hey.


BIANCA

(quietly)

Hey.


CAMERON

You ready?


BIANCA

Mm hmm.


CAMERON

(to Kat)

See you later.


KAT

(waves)

Bye.


Bianca and Cameron walk away from Kat.


CAMERON

(to Bianca, quietly)

Is she okay?

          

BIANCA

I hope so.

          

They leave and moments later Walter enters the balcony from the house.

          

WALTER

Where’s your sister going?

          

KAT

(sarcastic, as usual)

She’s meeting some bikers. Big

ones. Full of sperm.

          

WALTER

(not amused)

Funny. So tell me about this dance.

Was it.. hoppin‘?

          

She smirks at his attempted use of hip, young lingo.


KAT

Parts of it.

          

WALTER

Which parts?

          

KAT

The part where Bianca beat the hell out

of some guy.

          

WALTER

Bianca did what?

          

KAT

What's the matter? Upset that I rubbed

off on her?

          

WALTER

No. Impressed.

          

Kat looks up, surprised at her father‘s approval.

          

WALTER

(continuing)

You know, fathers don't like to admit it

when their daughters are capable of

running their own lives. It means we've

become spectators. Bianca still lets me

play a few innings. You've had me on

the bench for years. And when you go to

Sarah Lawrence, I won't even be able to

watch the game.

          

KAT

(hopeful)

When I go?

          

WALTER

Oh, boy. Don't tell me you've

changed your mind. I already sent 'em a

check.

          

Kat, overjoyed, reaches over and gives him a hug.


          

ENGLISH CLASS - DAY

          

Mr. Morgan stands at a podium and faces the class with an open book

in front of him.

          

MR. MORGAN

All right. I assume everyone has found

time to complete their poem. Except for

Mr. Donner...


He begins to laugh, very pleased. Joey sulks at his desk behind

a pair of sunglasses.


MR. MORGAN

...who has an excuse.

(to Joey)

Shaft, lose the glasses.


Joey reluctantly removes his shades to reveal severe damage. The

class snickers.

          

          

MR. MORGAN

(continuing)

Alright. Anyone brave enough to read theirs aloud?

          

No one moves. Then Kat slowly raises her hand.

          

KAT

I will.

          

Patrick looks up.

          

MR. MORGAN

(anticipating the worst)

Lord. Here we go.

          

Kat stands and walks to face the class. She clears her throat

before reading from her notebook.

          

KAT

I hate the way you talk to me

And the way you cut your hair.

I hate the way you drive my car.

I hate it when you stare.

I hate your big dumb combat boots

And the way you read my mind.

I hate you so much it makes me sick.

It even makes me rhyme.


She pauses, then continues.


          

KAT

(continuing)

I hate it...

I hate the way you're always right.

I hate it when you lie.

I hate it when you make me laugh;

Even worse when you make me cry.


She begins to cry as she continues to read.

          

KAT

(continuing)

I hate it when you're not around

And the fact that you didn't call,

But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you;

Not even close;

Not even a little bit;

Not even at all.

          

She looks directly at Patrick. He looks back this time, morose,

thoughtful.

          

Then she walks out of the room The rest of the class remains

in stunned silence.


          

EXT. PARKING LOT - AFTER SCHOOL

          

Students are leaving school. Kat walks to her car alone. When she

opens the door, she's greeted with the same Fender Stratocaster guitar

that Patrick saw her playing in the store before, reclining in the

front seat.

          

She picks it up slowly, inspecting every detail, as Patrick leans in

behind her.


PATRICK

Nice, huh?

          

KAT

A Fender Strat? Is this for me?

          

PATRICK

Yeah. I thought you could use it.

You know, when you start your band.

Besides, I had some extra cash, you know.

Some asshole paid me to take out a really

great girl.

          

KAT

(smiling)

Is that right?

          

PATRICK

Yeah, but I screwed up. I, um...

I fell for her.

          

He blushes and looks down.

          

KAT

Really?


PATRICK

It's not every day you find

a girl who'll flash someone to get you

out of detention.

          

Kat is surprised and embarrassed that he found out about the flashing.


KAT

Oh, god...


She laughs. He takes this as a sign to kiss her and he does.

She lets him this time, then breaks it off suddenly.

          

KAT

You can't just buy me a guitar every

time you screw up, you know.

          

He winces.

          

PATRICK

Yeah, I know. But then, you know, there’s always

drums and bass and maybe even one day a tambourine.

          

He gives her another kiss, which she breaks off again.

          

KAT

And don't just think you can...

          

He kisses her to shut her up, not letting her end it this time.


As the music plays, we pan out of the parking lot, across to the

school building, and up to where the band is playing on the roof.

The music plays, the credits roll. ​</div>

Cast

  • Julia Stiles as Katarina "Kat" Stratford
  • Heath Ledger as Patrick Verona
  • Joseph Gordon-Levitt as Cameron James
  • Larisa Oleynik as Bianca Stratford
  • Larry Miller as Walter Stratford
  • Andrew Keegan as Joey Donner
  • David Krumholtz as Michael Eckman
  • Susan May Pratt as Mandella
  • Gabrielle Union as Chastity Church
  • Daryl Mitchell as Mr. Morgan
  • Allison Janney as Ms. Perky
  • David Leisure as Mr. Chapin
  • Greg Jackson as "Scurvy"
  • Kyle Cease as Bogey Lowenstein
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